These Are the People in My Neighbourhood

"Hey What's Up?"

I lock my front door and turn around. Apparently he was talking to me. He's about three feet tall and wearing very cool sunglasses, a bit large on his smallish head. "Not much. What's up with you?"

"We webhjh ghur gyh en two dogs en blah blah... ruff ruff! En I tol him jl$ hafy g#dg g@d."

"I see."

"Tell him have a nice day!" says the smiling woman in lawn chair.

"Haffa nice day!"

"Okay. You too."

Freak.

V is for Vraisemblance

Welcome back to FWiG's April A-to-Z Odditorium of Forgotten English! Or -- welcome for the first time!

Vraisemblance: an appearance of truth; verisimilitude, a representation or picture. From French vrai (true) and semblance.

Example: "Society is a structure of human organization for which people utilize to leverage one another in satisfying their individual dark desires, while managing a vraisemblance to that of a creature made in their god's image."

Source: New English Dictionary (1928) William Craigie
Google hits: 70,000


Verdugo: a hangman or executioner, or an insult along similar vein.

Not to be confused with vertigo, which may very well be related given their common components involving an unhealthy separation from the ground.

A weight-bearing crane, which we call a derrick (as in oil derrick) is so named after infamous hangman Thomas Derrick of England's Elizabethan era, who not only executed more than 3000 convicts but who engineered, for his gallows, the frame and pulley system eponymous with today's cranes. Ironically, Derrick, in 1601, bedangled The Duke of Essex, who once, himself, had pardoned Derrick of the death penalty for the crime of rape; an event which had a prominent role in Derrick's originally being coerced into the hangman role.

Thomas Derrick was eventually succeeded by also-famous Richard Brandon, subject of macabre fascination and a loyal following, who received a £30 bonus for doing in King Charles the 1st and ever after feared for his own assassination. But he died of natural causes and was succeeded by Jack Ketch who was like the Kleenex of hangmen as the word ketch became the household word for executioner.

So there you have it, the holy trinity of England's gallowicious period.

Source: New English Dictionary (1926) William Craigie
Google hits: 15,000,000 (due almost entirely to the surname)


Vampirarchy: rulership by the overtly predatory.

I choose not to buy gas at Esso stations. They are brand outlets of Imperial Oil; subsidiary of ExxonMobil. Together they do alright with around $48 trillion in annual profits, largely through their exploration and production of fossil fuels and related enterprises such as oil refining, petroleum and convenience retail, natural gas processing, synthetic crude production and super-scale wildlife destruction. To get a context for the figure 48 trillion, simply imagine something you can't possibly imagine. And remember that's net profit. Not earnings.

ExxonMobil is the largest company in the world by both revenue and market capitalization and are referred to as "...one of the planet’s most hated corporations, able to determine American foreign policy and the fate of entire nations," in a 2012 article by The Daily Telegraph.

At executive board meetings, executives sing "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow..." and remind each other that fossil fuels come from a magical bottomless cup and that life on earth doesn't actually require a biosphere to survive. Then they recite the Daily ExxonMobil Prayer which closes as follows:

"...another small oil spill for man, another great shitstain on the face of mankind. Oh Lord we have more than enough buckaneros to buy our way into heaven. Amen and pass the bourbon."

No, instead I buy gas at Shell because they give me air-miles points which I later convert into free, though entirely crappy, food at Boston Pizza restaurants. See how awesome I am?

Source: New English Dictionary (1928) William Craigie
Google hits: 700

Stop! Swag time! (Exxon Mobil always finds innovative ways to spill oil and kill people.)

U is for Unthew

First off! This is not the past tense of unthaw! Secondly: There is no such word as unthaw! And that is because the reverse of thawing already has a name and that word is freeze! When someone says to you "unthaw," what they really mean is "thaw" but they're just being a nimrod.

Unthew: a bad habit; unhealthy custom. Unthewed: unruly or wanton (again, not the noodle). Unthewful: unmannerly; unseemly.

As recently mentioned, first album I ever bought (vinyl of course) as a teeny-bopper: The Monks, Bad Habits featuring hits Drugs in My Pocket and Nice Legs Shame About Her Face!

Source: New English Dictionary (1926) William Craigie
Google hits: 19,500


Unroningness: Desolation.

St. Kilda is a barren treeless island; Britain's most remote landscape, 180 Km off the west coast of Scotland. As there never was an actual St. Kilda, the name is believed a bastardization of Norse Skildir.

The first steamboats to ever reach the island threw the locals into a tizzy as they thought the ships were on fire. Upon their request, the last three dozen human inhabitants of St. Kilda were evacuated August 29, 1930 and oddly, most found mainland jobs in forestry. The local seabirds and puffins declined evacuation.

Source: Dictionary of the Oldest Words in the English Language (1863) Herbert Coleridge
Google hits: 95

Ustion: the act of burning or the state of being burnt. From Latin: ustus.

Not to be confused with Houston, where people wear big hats and think they're hot stuff and temperatures have been known to reach as high as 109°C (43°F). Director Wes Anderson and actor Patrick Swayze were born in Houston,

The Chinchaga River fire, also known as the Wisp Fire of 1950 is thought the greatest in North American history burning approximately four million acres through unpopulated British Columbia and Alberta. It created so much upper-atmosphere smoke that remnants migrated all the way to Europe where the mysterious "Great Pall" caused a sensation, its nature not initially understood.

Source: Imperial Lexicon (c. 1850) Rev. John Boag
Google hits: 71,800

Torched my dinner because it wasn't cooking fast enough.

T is for Tosher

Yep. Running late again. Great excuse this time though. Lost my research notes. This evening I found them again at the parole office (where I occasionally work; I'm not on parole).

Tosher: One who steals copper from the hulls of ships.

Not to be confused with tosser: one who (somewhat ironically) spends a penny. And spending a penny, for those in the dark, is slang for spanking the monkey. Also known as flogging the bishop, waxing the carrot, grooming the schnauzer, choking the chicken, feeding the pigeons, frosting the pastries, painting the ceiling, investing in pork bellies and... running the bad boys out of town.

There. Wasn't that fun?

Source: Sailor's Word Book (1867) Adm. William Smyth
Google hits: 275,000


Tyromancy: Divining by the coagulation of cheese.

Akin to Groundhog Day, reading tea leaves and cow pie bingo.

Source: Magicall Astrologicall Diviner (1652) John Gaule
Google hits: 8700


Tib of the Buttery: a goose. Also a young lass, and in previous centuries, a wanton, which is someone unruly and lustful, and not a Chinese noodle ball. That's a wonton.

There are more than 80 bird breeds called "geese" but in fact only three are true geese, the Anser (Swan), Chen and Branta (Canada Goose).

The evening of Judgement Day is also known as St. Tibb's Eve.

Source: A Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue (1796) Capt. Francis Grose
Google hits: 2100


Toesmithing: dancing, according to theater slang.

The most famous ballet worldwide is almost surely The Nutcracker, composed by Tchaikovsky in 1891 and first performed in North America in 1944 where it remains a Christmas tradition, bringing holiday joy to children and adults alike. Just like Walmart.

Source: A Dictionary of American Slang (1934) Maurice Waseen
Google hits: 650

Newday sugar plum fairy

S is for Sockdologer

Welcome back to FWiG's April A-to-Z Odditorium of Forgotten English! Sorry I got running late again. So far, we've been highlighting three words per day but I'm having difficulty with the letter S. There are just too many great words to choose from. I'll try to keep it brief!

Sockdologer: anything overwhelming or exceptional, such as an earthquake.

Not to be confused with proctologer, whose practices, one must suppose, might feel a little overwhelming at times...

Source: Slang and its Analogues (1890-1904) John Farmer, W.S. Henley
Google hits: 35,000


Squizzle: fire, as with a gun. To let squizzle.

The word gun comes from Old Norse gunnr (battle), which first became a given name in Sweden, 1891, generally as Gunnar for males and as many derivatives for females. There are currently around 34 thousand females in Sweden named Gun; about one for every million handguns in the U.S.A., which is in the process of changing its name to United States of Arms.

Okay, that was an exaggeration  There are only about 270 million guns held lawfully by American citizens and another 4.5 million operated by Yankee military and police. The number of criminally possessed firearms is incalculable but in essence there are about as many guns in the States as people. This is unprecedented in the history of the world and mind-boggling to some.

Source: Dictionary of Americanisms (1956) Mitford Mathew
Google hits: 80,000


Squantum: as described by the New York Mirror: "A party of ladies and gentlemen go to one of the famous watering-places of resort, where they fish, dig clams, talk, laugh, sing, dance, play, bathe, sail, eat and have a general good time... Care is thrown to the wind, politics discarded, war ignored, pride humbled, stations levelled, wealth scorned, virtue exalted, and this is squantum."

If you're looking for a quaint weekend getaway, I recommend the Emirates Palace Abu Dhabi resort hotel on the Arabian Gulf. A decent suite with five-star amenities will only run your family of four about $15,000 for an average weekend.

Or if flying out to the Middle East is not your bag you could always bunk in cozy Manhattan for the same weekend in one of The Plaza's 1-bedroom suites for as little as $40,300 U.S.D. (before tax and parking of course).

Source: Dictionary of Americanisms (1877) James Bartlett
Google hits: 532,000


Scurryfunge: A hasty tidying of one's abode the moment a visitor is spotted on the driveway.

This is my favourite obsolete word so far. It should never have been allowed to fall out of style. Scurryfunges are especially vital to dog owners because you never know when your knickers might have suddenly appeared on the kitchen floor.

Source: Maine Lingo: Boiled Owls, Billdads, & Wazzats (1975) John Gould
Google hits: 3900


Slubberdegullion: a slovenly person. From slobber and gullion (wretch).

Marshall Bruce Mathers III, known as Eminem, or Slim Shady, is an American rapper and all-around vile miscreant. He is the only so-called musician in history whose voice, image or the mere mention of his name will reliably induce uncontrollable vomiting from mine very own gullet. Impressively, he has sold more than 100 million records to some millions of so-called people, every one of whom had best never enter my home lest they be struck viciously on the head by yours truly and rolled back onto the street. Nuff said. Excuse me while I go vomit uncontrollably.

Source: Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue (1811) Francis Grose
Google hits: 448,000

R is for Reiliebogie

Reiliebogie: a state of confusion, tumult or disorder. Possibly having connection to the song Reel o' Bogie, as if in reference to an irregular form of dance. From reile, to roll.

Followers of religion/philosophy Discordianism observe the Discordian calendar, consisting of five 73-day "months" named Chaos, Discord, Confusion, Bureaucracy, and The Aftermath. Their weeks consist of five days: Sweetmorn, Boomtime, Pungenday, Prickle-Prickle, and Setting Orange.

Discordianism holds that both order and disorder are illusions imposed on the universe by the human nervous system, and that neither of these illusions of apparent order and disorder is any more accurate or objectively true than the other.

Source: Etymological Scottish Dictionary
Google hits: 73


Renty: handsome; well-shaped. Spoken of horses, cows, etc.

According to urbandictionary.com, an amazing horse is one who tastes like raisins and has a purple winkie. Personally I don't find this useful. Personally, I sometimes wonder if some intergalactic court of aliens might be passing around samples of our internet right now and deciding whether earth should be blown up or not.

Source: North Country Words (1942) John Ray
Google hits: 1,800,000


Ring-time: the aptest season for marriage; spring.

Not to be confused with ring tone, a safety mechanism of the matrix; a musical alarm that goes off whenever a person might otherwise be burdened with too much peace and quiet wherein they might accidently contemplate and learn something dangerously genuine about themselves or the world.

[editor's note: He means he doesn't like phones.]

Source: Shakespeare Cyclopaedia and Glossary (1902) John Phin
Google hits: 16,800

A bird may love a fish, Signor, but where would they live?

Q is for Quaker's Bargain

Apparently it's phrase day here at FWiG's odditorium of forgotten English:

Quaker's bargain: a yea-or-nay bargain; a take-it-or-leave-it offer; non-negotiable.

The 1803 Louisiana Purchase is often thought the greatest bargain in history. U.S. president Thomas Jefferson bought 828,000 square miles from France for fifteen million dollars, in effect, doubling the size of the United States for about three cents per acre.

Source: Slang and its Analogues (1890-1904) John Farmer, W.E. Henley
Google hits: 1360


In Queen Street: The fool, governed by his wife.

Example: "The joskin lives in Queen Street."

The second music album I ever purchased as a kid, after The Monks' Bad Habits, was The Game by Queen. Thirty two years later Bad Habits has devolved in my perception to a goofy bit of comedy while every song on The Game endures.

When the band Smile lost member Tim Staffell to Humpy Bong in 1970, Staffell's good friend and keen Smile fan, Farrokh Bulsara, stepped in and convinced remaining members Brian May and Roger Taylor to change their name to Queen. In '71 experiments with bassists ended with John Deacon and Farrokh changed his name to Freddie Mercury. They then evolved into one of the world's sincerest and best-loved stadium rock bands until Mercury's AIDS-related passing in 1991.

Their 1985 performance at Live Aid is widely regarded the best live act in history. Bohemian Rhapsody was voted Britain's favourite hit of all time in 2002 and in 2009 We Are the Champions, in global polls, was declared mankind's favourite song. In 2005 Guinness Book of Records reported Queen the most enduring presence in UK album charts at 26 years and counting.

Rolling Stone super-important magazine's super-important artist rankings place them at 52nd all-time, just ahead of the Allman Brothers. If anyone cares.

Source: Vocabulum, or the Rogue's Lexicon (1859) George Matsell
Google hits: 7,240,000 (of which possibly none relate to the above meaning.)


Quite the Cheese: quite the correct thing, especially in terms of costume or manner. Adapted from choice. Further refinements of the phrase: "That's prime Stilton" or "That's Double Gloucester."

Source: Popular Sayings Dissected (1895) A. Wallace
Google hits: 119,000

I don't know what you see in this cheese thing.

P is for Pulpatoon

Pulpatoon: a dish made of rabbits, fowl, etc., in a crust of stuffed meat. From Latin pulpamentum: tidbits.

In 1770, London's Newcastle Chronicle reported the baking of a nine foot diameter Christmas pie featuring geese, turkeys, rabbit, duck, woodcocks, snipes, partridges, curlews, blackbirds and pigeons. Yum. I guess.

Source: Glossary of Tudor and Stuart Words (1914) Walter Skeat
Google hits: 7200


Pooster: to toil in mud or filth; to splash among water.

Not to be confused with poofters, which reportedly do not exist in such enlightened higher-order nations as Iran. Oh, except for those framed, imprisoned, tortured and/or killed by their enlightened higher-order government. Oops, but we don't talk about that.

Source: Scots Dialect Dictionary (1911) Alexander Warrack
Google hits: 67,600


Pokeweed religion: Seemingly impressive religious excitement which springs up rapidly but without permanent value.

"We're hotter than pokeweed religion on an Ozark Sunday night!" is what John Lennon should have said, rather than the off-hand quip about Jesus Christ. It would have saved him a whole lotta splainin-to-do. Of course, then the Beatles wouldn't have got to re-sell all those albums to temporarily delirious vinyl-burning yankees.

Source: Down in the Holler: A Gallery of Ozark Folk Speech (1953) Vance Randolf
Google hits: 86

Dick Cheney pulpatoon anyone?

O is for Ornature

Aggh.. I've fallen behind...

Ornature: decoration.

Yeah, decoration. That was short and sweet, wasn't it?

Male bowerbirds of Australia and New Guinea demonstrate perhaps the rarest of courtship rituals in the natural world. They build a fairly complex structure out of sticks and spend gads of time decorating it both internally and externally with locally available trinkets, often including shells, berries, feathers and any sort of colourful debris of human origin. Females choose mates purely on their housekeeping skills and males will not only steal decorations from one another but sometimes vandalize their competitors' bowers.

Source: Imperial Lexicon (c. 1850) Rev. John Boag
Google hits: 94000


Orphanotrophy: a hospital for orphans.

Pop culture's favourite orphan, Annie, began life as a poem by James Whitcomb Riley in 1885, then in 1924, as a comic strip, drawn by Harold Gray until his death in 1968. A succession of further artists carried the project for another 42 years. The strip was ranked #1 according to 1937 polls.

Annie took form as a radio show in 1930, a broadway musical in 1977 and films in 1932, 1938 and 1982. The strip's popularity slowly declined until 2010, when running in just 20 newspapers, it was cancelled.

Source: American Dictionary of the English Language (1828) Noah Webster
Google hits: 6100


Odditorium: a collection of curiosities.

Example: "FWiG's Odditorium of Forgotten English." Hey, that's me!

Pensioner Carol Vaughn of Birmingham, UK has collected more than 5000 bars of soap from all over the world. Jens Veerbeck of Essen, Germany has gathered more than 600 different models of toasters, and Icelander Sigurdur Hjartarson had collected 143 penises from 41 different mammals as of 1997. Yes. Penises.

Eleven year old Luke Underwood sold his collection of promotional item memorabilia, including hundreds of McDonalds Happy Meal items, reportedly for ten thousand dollars.

I once had a very impressive foreign beer bottle collection ringing a basement rec room on high shelves until a home-invading squirrel knocked many of them to their smashing demise while being chased by my doberman. I finally whittled the collection down to my six favourites and now I have about 2000 books instead.

Source: A Dictionary of American Slang (1934) Maurice Weseen
Google hits: 311,000

Home of anonymous Coca-Cola collector

N is for Nink

Nink: a useless antique object preserved in worshipping the picturesque. An imitation of a bygone style. Ninkty: architecturally dishonest.

The Decoratum web site, championing 20th Century & Contemporary Design features an article on the most expensive antiques ever auctioned. Three of the top five come from 18th century China including a Ming dynasty gold tripod vessel selling for 9,397,905 British pounds (more than 14.4 million yankee dollars). Yes, once a dish is worth $14 million or more, it's called a vessel.

The article goes on to explain: "As number 5 in the top 10 most expensive antiques ever auctioned it is also the most expensive piece of Chinese metalwork to ever have been auctioned." As there are no other examples of Chinese metalworks - or any metalworks - in the top five, I kind of regarded this as being entirely self-evident. But that's the modern western world for you, isn't it? Besides having more money than brains, we have a charming knack for using a whole lot of words to say nothing.

Source: A Dictionary of Words You Have Always Needed (1914) Gelett Burgess
Google hits: 1,040,000


Nonnock: an idle whim; a childish fancy. Connected, no doubt, with nonny: to trifle; to play the fool.

on a nonnock
I drove to town
on a nonnock
I fell down
on a nonnock
I leapt a building
in a single bound
(2007) by Barbsdad2003

Source: Vocabulary of East Anglia (1830) Rev. Robert Forby
Google hits: 6700


Nabbity: Short in stature though full grown, usually said of a diminutive female. Literally deriving from nab, as though one might snatch up this person as a bird nabs an insect!

Online dictionary of slang dictionaryupdate.com, defines nabbity as the quality of being a mendacious prick. It should probably have read possessing the quality... since nabbity is obviously a verb.

Wow. I'm really being critical today, aren't I? Oh, look at that, some jackass drew Gandalf and forgot the beard...

Source: Vocabulary of East Anglia (1830) Rev. Robert Forby
Google hits: 1,600,000

M is for Melsh-dick

Welcome back to FWiG's April A-to-Z Odditorium of Forgotten English! Without further ado:

Melsh-dick: a sylvan goblin, protector of hazel-nuts.

This is a wood demon who supposedly stood guard over unripe nuts. "Melsh Dick'll catch thee lad," it was said, in order to frighten young children going nutting. Um... so there. Nothing dirty about any of that by the way.

Here's a pretty cool tune, kind of psychedelic, by Evan Grysko, called In Which Box Harry Encounters The Melsh-Dick
http://www.last.fm/music/Evan+Grysko/_/(In+Which+Box+Harry+Encounters+The+Melsh-Dick)

Dotty and friends go nutting, from novel

Dotty Dimple Out West (1869) By Sophie May

Source: Glossary of Almondbury and Huddersfield (1883) Rev. Alfred Easther

Google hits: 3200


Meaverly: middling, as regards to health. "Art thou meaverly?" Are you pretty well?

Not to be confused with Beaverly, which is to find oneself blundering through childhood being a bit of a dope, and learning goofy life-lessons from your older brother and ridiculously square, overly-present parents.

Source: Glossary of Almondbury and Huddersfield (1883) Rev. Alfred Easther
Google hits: 5700


Marooning: a party of pleasure akin to a picnic but lasting several days.

Jessica at The Lovely Side identifies ten varieties of picnics and how to equip one's self for each:
http://www.thelovelyside.com/2012/05/10-picnics-what-to-wear-on-them.html

My friends and I marooned at a trailer park one weekend at a time for seven lucky years. On one notable occasion we socialized (read: drank) for fifteen consecutive hours from Friday 5PM until Saturday 8AM which was possibly the second dumbest pursuit I ever undertook. Top-spot in that category belongs to the activity immediately following, chronologically, the aforementioned: The intent to circumvent a locked gate, for the purpose of playing tennis, by climbing the 12-foot fence and leaping from the top.

The fractured bones healed nicely I'm happy to report.

Source: Encyclopaedic Dictionary (1894) Robert Hunter
Google hits: 47000 (of which most concern being stranded)

Picnic in the park 'neath the vomiting lark

L is for Lollop

Welcome back to FWiG's April A-to-Z Odditorium of Forgotten English!

Lollop: To lounge or saunter heavily. Loll-poop: a sluggish sedentary lounger. Literally, one who is sluggish in the stern.

The term is more endearing when applied to rabbits, especially wascally wabbits.

Not to be confused with trollop; a slovenly woman or prostitute, or trollipop; a slovenly woman or prostitute on a stick.

Source: Vocabulary of East Anglia (1830) Rev. Robert Forby
Google hits: 99400


Lug-and-a-bite: A boy flings an apple some distance. The others race for it. The winner takes a bite as fast as he can while his opponents lug at his ears. He bears it as long as he can then launches the apple. The sport is resumed.

The alternate name for this pastime might have been BAGI; acronym for Boys Are Generally Idiots.

We never played lug-and-a-bite when I was a kid but we did play Chinese Nose Torture which is about equal in sophistication and usefulness: All boys but one conspire to tackle the unsuspecting target who is held prone on his back, his head firmly stilled, while the ringleader selects a choice blade of grass, snaps it off the lawn and inserts it up the prone boy's nose. Great fun I can report, though I admit I was never the inserter or the insertee by the way; but a perennial limb anchorer. While this sport seems to have gone by the by, the term Chinese nose torture persists but now in reference to that nation's wild proliferance of coal-burning power plants.

Okay, here's the very best advice you'll ever receive: Do not Google-image the phrase Chinese Nose Torture or you will likely never sleep again. Seriously. Don't.

Source: Dictionary of Archaic and Provincial Words (1855) James Halliwell
Google hits: 1190


Lumming: The weather condition featuring heavy rain; a galloway. Akin to loom (a mist or fog)

Kaneohe Ranch, Oahu, Hawaii reported 247 straight days with rain from August 27 1993 to April 30 1994.

In Shanghai, February-March 2009, twenty days of non-stop rain marked a twenty per cent rise in depression-related healthcare events. Officials advised bright lights, music and exercise as anti-depression measures. I would have suggested staying indoors but what do I know?

Not to be confused with lemmings which are miniature workers of very brief mortality, specializing as diggers, climbers, bashers, stoppers, exploders etc. What the hell am I talking about? I don't know.

Source: Scottish Gallovidian Encyclopedia (1824) John MacTaggart
Google hits: 12900

The times we had, oh when the wind would blow with rain and snow, were not all bad.