Santa Baby

The following article was posted by dear pal The Bablatrice back at Christmas 2006 down in Arkansas. Ten years later it still remains my favorite holiday article ever. I am re-posting it here with her permission. At least I assume I would have her permission if I asked for it. But I'm not taking any chances. Now excuse me while I turn off the spell-checker:

In the local paper this week (yep - our town only has a weekly paper) there were letters to Santa from kids at the local schools. Here are a few of the better ones, with my comments. Did you really think I wouldn't comment?

Dear Santa,

Is it cold up ther? I am shr it is. dont wre it will be wrm in my house. there will be hot chaliket. i been bad and good sometimes. I hop I get the theng's I want for cricmus. I hop you will give me wut I want for cricmus.

Love,

Will

Will- I hop you get what you want for cricmus, too - as well as a few vowels. You need them.

Dear Santa,

How are you and Mrs. Claus? Thank you for the gifts that you gave me last year. I would like to have pjs also a barbie. I will leve you cookies and milk.

Merry Christmas,

Jennifer.

Jen - If Santa doesn't bring you pajamas and a Barbie, he's a big, fat mean bastard, and I will personally help you kick his ginormous, lard-filled ass.

Dear Santa,

I hope you and Mrs. Claus are okay. Thank you for the prezes. I wuld like to have for Christmas this year I'd like to have urk eestrik log shot. Id like to havv ddgn. I will leave kookez and nelk.

Zakkari

Um...Zak..are you an alien? 'Cause the last half of your letter sounds a lot like what I would imagine alien-speak to be.

Dear Santa,

I wont to send you a meshig. What I rillie want is a new puppy. Next, I rillie wont is a horse. Last, I onte is a nother puppy for crismus. I rillie want theshe things.

Love,

Kensey.

Kensey - you're entirely too young to be drinking. Lay off the sauce until you're at least in the 5th grade, okay?

Dear Santa,

My name is Autumn. I really want a baby bed for all of my dolls. I would like to say "I love you, and be safe, your going to splash your bottom going into my house."

Autumn, dear child, do you possibly live in a houseboat? Swamp? A raft in the middle of a pond? C'mon kid, I'm dyin' to know exactly how Santa's going to get a wet tush going to your house.

Dear Santa,

I hope you and Mrs. Claus are don w wenl. Thank you fur the presents. I would like to have for Christmas this year is a makn chrowch chok. And I wont is a now viteo gom. And the last sta I kan am irtnel is I wont a I wont a naw bike.

Gabe

Yo Gabe! Are you by any chance related to Zak the Alien?

Dear Santa,

Emily is my name. I would love to have a yellow moon shape touch light from the dollar tree. I would like to say "Merry Christmas and tell the rain deer hi for me."

It just breaks my heart that Emily only asks for one thing from the Dollar Tree. The Dollar Tree, people, where everything's a fucking dollar. Emily, if I knew who you were, I'd go to the Dollar Tree and buy you every single yellow moon touch lamp they had.

'Tis the EPUC season...

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New Rudolph model

Eat cat you poop

Santa misses Christmas

Ancient tapestry discovered

Octopus holiday rituals

Rudolph the red-nosed spider

Ghosts of Belle Castle

“It’s creepy,” says The Flaming Liberal, speaking of the correctional services college where, primarily new corrections officers, probation officers and parole officers do their training, not to mention the tactical crisis specialists etcetera, and where the basement of this historic primary school building has been outfitted with an authentic jail cell environment. Indeed the old place emits a lot of weird noises; all of which I attribute to after-market heating and air conditioning measures.

Such explanations are not embraced by the security guard who insists he heard voices talking to him through the intercoms at primary exterior doors during his rounds or the voice in the fitness room which told a night shift manager to “Get out of here!” all while the building should have been empty of other life.

Another manager claims that a 200 lb dummy used for some kind of training had moved positions between his visits to the gymnasium; had got itself up off the floor and seated itself in a chair.

Stories abound of guards who have left, swearing never to return to the building, including one guard who locked himself in the guard office all night and refused to do his patrols before resigning at the end of his shift.

Other folks have offered to share their stories and I have declined. While never having had much use for ghost stories, nor suspecting them legitimate, I am a writer after all; with an imagination, and being occasionally alone in the building and walking my rounds, I don’t necessarily want to be thinking about certain ideas.

I walked into one conversation between night shift occasionals and immediately departed again, hearing one say, Which ghost? The other said, The little boy. The first: Oh good. He’s the nice one.

The nice one! Who the hell is the other one!

It’s okay. I don’t want to know.

But wait. I am having a change of heart. I am a writer (at least in my own mind) and an explorer; a seeker. Why would I not take this opportunity to delve into something new, as I have made it my policy to, for years now?

There was an incident of sorts during the Thanksgiving weekend when all staff and residential students had departed for the entire weekend. The place was officially closed. On my first outdoor patrol I saw that the light was on in (residence) room 108. On my next indoor patrol I stopped at room 108 and discovered the door unlocked, which is a no-no, and quite strange that the Friday evening guard had not remedied this already, as there is a mandatory security room-check on Friday nights. Otherwise we do not normally touch the residence rooms.

I checked out the room; one of the few which was not currently rented. It was thus clean and pristine inside. I shut off the light and locked the door and carried on.

The next night when no one should have been in the college except for the weekend day shift guard, I did my first patrol – indoors, and suddenly found myself testing the door to room 108 which I don’t recall was my intention. The door was unlocked again and the light was on again. Very strange. The next time I crossed paths with the intervening guard, he claimed he hadn’t touched room 108.

So…

Weird.

And not terribly frightful as far as poltergeists go, I admit. Still I was creeped out.

Captain Vino

Yo kids

FWG

hey

Captain Vino

Word

FWG

Hey Jo!

Friendly Exorcist

Hi

Captain Vino

There we go

FWG

What are you doing the Friday after next, late at night?

Friendly Exorcist

let me check....

Captain Vino

Ghostbustin'!

Friendly Exorcist

apparently yes

what time?

Captain Vino

Bustin' makes me feel good!

Friendly Exorcist

oh god make him stop

Captain Vino

Boo

Friendly Exorcist

so what time do you want me there?

FWG

I don't know. I'd prefer it was just you and me in the building. Is 2AM too late?

Friendly Exorcist

can it be a bit earlier?

FWG

I'd like to say 1AM which should be safe. Everyone should be out by then but we might have to be a bit flexible.

Friendly Exorcist

Just tell them I'm the call girl

Captain Vino

I'll be your pimp

FWG

good grief

you should come too Captain. I will need someone to hide behind if things go sideways

Captain Vino

Did you just call me fat, motherfucker!?

FWG

No Captain, I didn't.

Captain Vino

Alright

Friendly Exorcist

So just a thought. If some of the others have seen things then they might want to share their stories with me. why not just tell them that you know someone that is willing to come take a look and see how they react?

FWG

I could mention you and see what they say.

Friendly Exorcist

Ya just mention me and see their reaction

FWG

tell me what to say about you

Captain Vino

Fun loving party girl

FWG

LOL

Captain Vino

Likes long walks on the beach

Friendly Exorcist

I do clearings and paranormal investigations all the time....and I'm willing to check the place out

FWG

can I call you Buffy the Ghost Slayer?

Friendly Exorcist

sure

FWG

Sorry. Okay, I will talk to them.

Friendly Exorcist

great. Let me know what they say

Captain Vino

Have you mentioned what you've encountered, to the other staff?

FWG

Only to one other guard - to ask if he unlocked the door. Which he says he did not

Okay, Jo. I will

Friendly Exorcist

K great

Friendly Exorcist

Looking forward to seeing you again and checking the place out

FWG

I think the visit would have to be unofficial. I think it would not be an income opportunity

Friendly Exorcist

understood.......I'm not going to get arrested am I??

FWG

No. You're my guest. It is just a school after all.

Captain Vino

I've been in there a few times. They like me there.

FWG

there you go

Friendly Exorcist

ok good

Captain Vino

Not that I intend to go at o' dark thirty

FWG

you disappoint me

Captain Vino

I disappoint a lot of people

FWG

I'll get back to you as I get feedback. The night MGRs rotate. It will be a while before I get to hear from all of them

thx for setting up this conference Captain

Captain Vino

Any time!

FWG

I'll mention you when the book comes out

Friendly Exorcist

lol

Captain Vino

The story of how two of your friends got killed at your workplace?

Friendly Exorcist

sounds good......I'm still trying to convince the Captain to join us

FWG

He really should

Friendly Exorcist

I agree

FWG

Two people screaming are better than one

(I expect Jo to keep her composure. She's a pro)

Friendly Exorcist

Lets hope

FWG

lol

Friendly Exorcist

Are you working right now?

FWG

No I'm at home not-writing

Captain Vino

Better strap on a pair of depends

FWG

I'll just have a good pee before she arrives

Captain Vino

Good call

Friendly Exorcist

Take care all!

Captain Vino

Ditto!

FWG

g'nite !!

EPUC Entourage

Another telephone-pictionary trek from the eatpoopucat gang:

Movie Tips

When folks ask me for film recommendations I have been in the habit of directing them to my facebook movies page, touting "anything I've given four or five stars." However, facebook now seems to have silenced the star-giving so it looks like the blog will be taking over that function. Here's my take on some flicks you may want to see – or avoid, given your own priorities:

Dr. Strange ***

(2016) Benedict Cumberbatch

If you’re not quite sick to death of the constant bombardment of super-hero movies, this one should do it for you. All the required shtick and a main character who is almost three-dimensional. Almost.

Arrival *****

(2016) Amy Adams

Dynamite stuff: intriguing, suspenseful and particularly resonant given the struggles of our times (and of all times). This goes deep beyond the sci-fi banner, digging up rare insights into the significance of language and the magic of human relationships. Catch it in the theatres while there’s still time!

Cartel Land ****

(2015) documentary

Gutsy, penetrating, laudably-balanced look at the criminality of drugs, the criminals who thrive from it and the devastating effects on both sides of the international border, all through the eyes of the peoples of these borderland communities. A very intimate view of their particular struggles and the conflicting beliefs for which they fight. Tense and unsettling.

Hitler’s Olympics ****

(2016) documentary

A satisfactory dissertation on the nature of the modern Olympics which we all seem to whole-heartedly embrace while imagining it is something else, and a reminder of the architect whose vision we have made a reality.

Ex Machina ****

(2015) Alicia Vikander, Domhnall Gleeson

Creepy, twisty, thrilling and fascinating. The most compelling look I’ve seen at the concept of artificial intelligence since The Matrix and by far the most emotionally and viscerally striking.

Hello My Name is Doris ***

(2015) Sally Field

Surprisingly satisfying feel-good fluff.

Entertainment ****

(2015) Gregg Tarkington

Uneasy, off-beat, perversely humorous fare with a serious creep factor. It’s like a book you want to put down but can’t.

Mad Max: Fury Road **

(2015) Tom Hardy

The wispy plot and cast of caricatures are just barely stable enough to hold this action and special effects bonanza sort-of together.

Ricki and the Flash ****

(2015) Meryl Streep

The package looks deceptively corny but Streep’s fine performance is just one of the gems that keeps this neat little effort afloat. It’s Little Miss Sunshine without the kids.

Spotlight ***

(2015) Mark Ruffalo, Michael Keaton, Rachel McAdams

Some excellent, arguably under-rated actors made an Oscar splash with this Best Picture which is nice, but is that the reason it won? I found it a routine, competent unfolding of a true story

The Boy ****

(2015) David Morse

A troubling little tale of a boy who is trapped in unacceptable circumstances and seeks a logical solution within his considerable limitations. Gripping and eerie. And if you’re a writer, don’t miss it for its modelling of tidy efficient short-story telling!

Addendum

The snowfall has turned to rainfall and the ground snow, orange here, in the orange lights, is speckled; pelted into a field of tiny stalagmites.

Great drops plummet from the trees, aiming for my head which contains not much of a brain or I would have worn a hat. My footprints, lingering from the previous lap, have pressed the snow into slush-bottomed pools. Dark ruined leaves fall and further muddy the scene. 

At an early age I believed that the snow fell for some noble purpose; not strictly to provide for Santa’s sled, but to purify; to virginalize, which I perceived vaguely, not knowing such words. I would trudge sparingly at times, re-tracing paths, or sometimes tracking at will, with shameless indulgence, but paying for the privilege: honoring the snow gods with a snow angel.

Ominous shore

I’ve never until now been down at the shore at night during one of these carnival snowfalls; these bright peaceful wet snowfalls where the ground is white with it and the sky immediately overhead glows with it and everything is gently illuminated by added streetlight reflection.

But standing, looking out at what should be the sea (a great lake officially), the view is arrested and without glimmer. It is no usual vista tonight nor occasional wall of fog. It is instead a dark translucence. A thick, blurry realm with a darkest imprecise layer where the horizon should be, but pressing unnaturally close to the shore, just out of reach.

Without this glowing shoreline modernity, the lake would be left alone in the darkness I suppose. A simple void, unpenetrated; unperverted.

I have never seen a natural space so visually unsettling; gloomy; foreboding. Like a giant filthy window pane; like a dome which seals from some most final dystopia. It is the edge of some dark unstable half-world.

Pipelines

Kinder Morgan

The Ponderer has been pondering the current crisis of North American oil pipeline projects and the chaos that surrounds them. She shared her latest thoughts; sensible ones, which I have responded to from a perspective of perhaps wider context:

The Ponderer:  Maybe the best way to stop the Pipelines is to stop creating a demand for the oil that it's transporting. But we can't do that can we? We have to have our cars and our vehicles and we have to heat our homes among other things. I think very few of us are willing to live without those things. It's easy to be all pro save the environment until it causes us discomfort or inconvenience. Perhaps the pipelines are the safest way to transport the oil, that we tell ourselves we so desperately need. Is there a safer way? Train? Ship? Trucks? I don't think so. Don't get me wrong I am not pro pipeline I just think the solution is a lot more complicated and I think our government made the best decision in a bad situation. And thank you to my friend Barb for giving me a different perspective.

New Day Rising:  Yes, we're very greedy, very spoiled. Life itself is not naturally easy. Life has been a very difficult thing for every species except for a small percentage of humans for a tiny blip of time. Us. But as bizarre and unholy as our circumstance is, it is our normal. It is natural for us to embrace the unnatural normal we are born into.

But it will not be our normal for long and we'd be really smart to get our stubborn heads around that and plan accordingly instead of so fully embracing this brief Disneyland with such entitlement. What we have not yet discovered about ourselves is that we do have the capacity for change and for embracing new normals. Oil will be gone in another tiny blip of time no matter how much extra destruction we wreak to get at it. And if we survive the disaster that is born of denial and inequality and our enmity against the biosphere then we'll do just fine with the next normal, as all the YA dystopia books so brightly suggest, but unfortunately the next normal's forecast grows worse and worse every day that we resist it. Every day that we refuse to cut a deal with mother nature, the less she will have to offer when we finally do, or else on the bleak day that there is no more leveraging available. The life-capacity of the biosphere is shrinking every day. We are trading it away for the gadgets and comforts which can not last, which we pay for with death. And if we never cut that deal then the Earth will have almost nothing left for us.

North Dakota

The new oil pipelines are an investment in the future. They are a commitment to expansion of death; a commitment to cut no deals. They are a migration in the wrong direction. I know its very hard not to be greedy but if I woke up tomorrow and every gas station was dry, I would be immensely delighted. Giving up my car would then be easy because we'd all be in the same situation together and we would survive just fine. We would adjust together. Where as giving up my car on my own tomorrow would seem disastrous because my society would not cooperate with me; would not bend to the changes I would require.

"Oka could happen again..."