Friday, March 14, 2008

Post #299

Can you believe we’re approaching my 300th post since bumbling into the blogosphere? 298 posts and I still haven’t figured out what the hell I’m supposed to be accomplishing here.

I’m not that big on anniversaries, milestones and the like but this does seem a perfect excuse to take a look back on the little trek and see if there’s anything worth dragging out and dusting off.

Let’s save the “best of” moments for post #300. For today, I present:

The worst of Fantasy Writer Guy

Part one: Crimes against the English language

Some words and phrases used despite spell-check's violent protestations:

blecch patties
squint-chicken glumps
Mono Cliffs Inn and Orgasmry
New England Turdsniffers
car poolery
jumpin' jehosifats

Part Two: Violence is never a solution:

Luckily I've come a long way in terms of anger management. But my, what unsavory instances from the past:

What I really wanted was for somebody to die for what was done to me.

I could throw on a lot of olive green and a pair of boots and just burst into the Ye Olde Haircutting Co with my assault rifles and blow holes in everybody.

I could just use their scissors and stab them all to pieces

Gouging out those devious little eyes

I fling them alive into the boiling water

I'll go to her office with a gun and two bullets - one with my name on it and one with hers.

Very worst case scenario - they die as they richly deserve and I go to prison.

Is this where I kick her in the crotch and run away?’

To locate the makers of this blarney imposter - this faux tartar. And to blow up their headquarters!

before I go tramping down the aisles of the store beating myself on the head and screeching like a monkey.

'Your personal safety is in dire jeopardy little Orsi man,'

the sun comes up and your roommate wakes up and unlocks the door and steps out heading for work until you jump out from the bushes and kill him.

No firing squad, No pelting of stones, No hangman’s noose, No electric shock, No guillotine, No blade through the chest, No boot to the head, No rending of limbs, No tearing out of fingernails, No drowning, No scalping, No burning, No disembowelment, No tarring and feathering, No drawing and quartering, No lashing, No caning, No imaginable molestation could ever be harsh enough reward for those BASTARDS…

I swear to god, I want all stupid people killed. I want them all put to death now. And I want stupid TV advertisers put to death three times each.

I want blood. I want to see the responsible General Motors executives lined up and either shot or hung.

I hope you choke on pencil rubbers

My pterodactyl's commin ta kill you all

"Take that, hornet! I'll deal with your flat little hornet corpse later."

'Lady, if you ever touch me like that again I'll punch you so hard you'll sail clear through the air just like they do in those cartoons that you watch in your roach-infested apartment while you eat your Kraft Dinner and wait for Geraldo to come on.'

hauled the teenage driver from it through the window by his nose rings and snapped his neck in two.

I want your head on a platter, you... you... twit!

Part Three: Posts that just should never have been posted

Jan 24, 2006: The Morning After
An 880 word essay following the latest Federal election that blasted the Conservatives, the average Canadian, and all who don’t vote. In hindsight it contains not a word of usefulness as the realms within which the piece bears context (politics, ideology, etc) are constructed strictly of fiction and fantasy, I now know. Worse still, I didn’t crack a single joke.

Jan 31, 2006: The Penny Game
In which I praised the idea of throwing projectiles at moving vehicles.

Feb 8, 2006: Top 500 Nick-Names
I actually listed five hundred stupid things to call someone.

Sept 23-29, 2006: FWG’s More Excellent…
Six posts in which I described my dinner every night. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Dec 19, 2006: Movie – Apocalypto
In which I dismissed all who would boycott a Mel Gibson film in response to his apparent bigotry. In hindsight, why shouldn’t such substantial evidence pointing to antisemitism and homophobia put people off?

Feb 11, 2007: Do not follow this link!
A video of a kid on a toilet reciting an exhaustive list of poo types. What was I thinking?

Part Four: Worst Comments received

Or they might be the best comments received – depending on your personal criteria.

Yo Mo-Fo Beotch! Y'all jus donno wut w'all go thru in da hood. If you jus axe wut it like fo us, you get it, bro. You don know nuttin' bout bein' black but wut y'all see on da Cosby show!
It's hard out here for a pimp!

Some piddle in the middle of your little leather chair
Is not pleasin' but no reason to be wheezin' with despair

Is it weird that 2 boxes of kleenex, Halls lozenges and being tethered to a chair remind me of sex?

I named my 60G iPod 'Pod!'. Then I realized I was just holding it upside down.

I'll bet cows have cottage cheese breath. Or maybe buttermilk with a hint of grass breath.

I think Pluto needs saving from Mickey Mouse. That Mickey's a randy little cuss.

shitheadbitchbastard. and furthermore...zusmqt


Anonymous said...

hahaha, halls and kleenex! Good thing that commenter didn't say Altoids 0.o

Dr. Brainiac said...

Bwahaahaahaaa! zuxmqt! Very funny, Fwig...glad you've stuck around long enough to be able to provide such a compilation.

What sound does the word verification pig make?


Babs Gladhand said...

Um. I'm pretty sure I was the halls and kleenex commenter. I was saving the Altoids for later.