Tuesday, September 06, 2011

Strange disappearances plague Hamilton Man

September 4, 2011. Hamilton, ON -- Forty-two year-old security guard Rich Landriault, resident of Hamilton's famed London Avenue South; soon to be renamed Interesting People Avenue, is publicly voicing displeasure with Hamilton Wentworth Police Service after alleging that an "inexplicable entity" has been methodically stealing all his bath towels from the basement laundry room of the house in which he rents the attic space.

Landriault claims to have moved into the unit in October 2010 with no less than seven mid-quality bath towels ranging in condition from newish to fair, of which only one remains. He describes police response to the crisis as "apathetic and uninterested." When asked if he was putting all of his security training to work to guard his last remaining towel, Landriault responded, "No. It's clipped to my attic skylight in order to block out the sun. I work night shifts. The towels only disappear from the basement, either while waiting to be laundered or after being laundered and waiting to be taken back upstairs." He responded to suggestions that vampires also work night shifts and seek refuge from the sun, with a long silent stare followed by a deep sigh.

Sgt. Big Mac of HPS defended police inaction, stating, "This is clearly a domestic matter to be worked out between roommates. And for the last time: No, I'm in no way related to Sheriff Big Mac of MacDonalds restaurant fame. Now _ _ _ _ off."

Landriault shakes his head emphatically at this suggestion. "No. My roommate is a solid citizen. He would never touch another person's belongings. No way." When asked if the roommate could have mistaken the towels as his own and disposed of them due to to some as yet diagnosed psychotic delusion, Landriault became defensive, declaring, "Hey! He's a good guy! Sharp as a tack, smart as a whip and not at all deluded or suffering from intense Peter Pan Syndrome marked by various uncontrollable addictions. No way man. Not at all. This is clearly the work of demonic towel-eating fairies." This reporter responded with a long silent stare followed by a deep sigh.

Will Landriault be replacing these towels out of pocket? "No," he insists. "I'd rather walk around wet. Though if anyone had a ridiculous stock of old towels lying around, I'm not fussy or opposed to a little charity."

Hamilton city planners announced the name change to Interesting People Avenue upon growing public discussion around the exessive numbers of misfits and outcasts currently living on London Avenue South, the most recent addition being Queen of Brooms, also known as Broom Hilda, Broomzilla, Broomtilla the Hunn and Psychosweepingwacknut Lady, who seems bent on sweeping the entire planet Earth into oblivion beginning with the entirety of her London Avenue property exterior including lawns which she noisily attacks with whisk brooms multiple times daily. Planners have also announced that a canal will be built, to be completed August 2018, joining Interesting People Avenue to Hamilton Harbour in order to better service Chinese ocean liners delivering monthly broom supplies.

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