Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Checking in…

The Entourage
The Trans-Neptunians
The One
Carnival Music
Me Again
Dreamers of Swans
(untitled non-fic compendium)
(untitled biographical project)
Someone From Somewhere
(untitled interactive fiction project)

These are all full-length books I have started and not finished nor officially given up on. I only have one finished novel to my credit and two novellas (one might arguably be called a novel) and all still require a final edit.

I have at least a dozen songs I’ve yet to record (in my own very rudimentary way) and stick on youtube (and a few more I will not bother to), and at least seven which need to be improved upon and re-released on youtube – or bandcamp or soundcloud or wherever.

I have a half-finished board game prototype which I think may be unique and having exciting potential.

I have an edgy and humorous crossword puzzle collection well underway, a horoscope column of unusual aspect in the works, three major research projects barely off the ground and enough short stories and poems to half-populate a wide variety of collections.

I want to learn to paint. I want to run a youtube show. I want to create a film/video of some kind… I was actually offered a director role once, for a low-budget theatrical film; aggressively pursued actually, which was crazy because I had no clue how to direct a film (and still don’t) and said so quite plainly. I was pressured to at least read the script and it was rather dreadful so I’ll never regret passing that up. I think the producer went kind of broke before he could launch the project anyway.

I have health issues that must be catered to before they go out of control and wreak havoc on the fragile living arrangement that I depend on. Meanwhile my finances are possibly on the brink of collapse.

I’m in a demanding volunteer role which I never should have committed to because it does not well serve my goals.

I have too many interests, too many goals, not enough discipline, not enough energy and sleep too little.

I endure a particular kind of loneliness which perhaps no one in the world might understand. Or if there are compatible persons out there somewhere, I have little hope we’ll ever meet.

I would give anything to have my experience heard and understood (and to reciprocate similarly). I thought for a time that Neo was that receptor. We had a rare and brilliant connection, I perceived, as good as any two humans possibly could have. I don’t think we got to the point where he really understood me or what I actually had accomplished. I think he thinks he did but I’m not convinced. I’ll always hope though. He has a brilliant mind and I will always believe in him.

I was at my best for a time; for a few years. I zeroed in on my own particular potential for genius and regardless how close I got to it, I know I have since regressed. I see my failings regularly.  I don’t beat myself up for them. I just take note.

There is an enterprise I must devote myself to, and it is so hard to do without partners. And yet, really there is nothing to stop me but me.

1 comment:

Skeeter said...

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The next best time is today.

Chinese proverb (?!?)