Snotty Movie Criticism

Here's the scoop, movie lovers!

Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children ***

(2016) Eva Green, Asa Butterfield

Surprisingly amusing family fantasy-action flick of the sort I rarely bother with. I didn’t altogether regret it. As a prerequisite though, you must either have kids or really like fantasy.

The Birth of a Nation****

(2016) Nate Parker, Armie Hammer

Gripping and disturbing true story of one of the great struggles against blind ubiquitous evil, which, dear Americans, we have not nearly sufficiently learned from.

Truth ****

(2015) Cate Blanchett, Robert Redford

Another superb Blanchett performance and another of the endless looks into the American Empire’s ongoing destruction of life, liberty and happiness for anyone other than the ruling class. This time it’s nervy W5 producer Mary Mapes standing in the bulldozer’s path with mostly predictable results. Valuable viewing for anyone with courage.   

Eastern Promises ***

(2007) Naomi Watts, Viggo Mortensen

Plotty dramatic flick. Decent if you’re a big Mortensen fan I suppose.

Django Unchained **

(2012) Jamie Foxx

Yet another pot of Quentin Testosterino stew overflowing all over the goddam place. Bring a shovel.

Wiener-Dog ***

(2016)  Greta Gerwig, Keaton Nigel Cooke, Tracy Letts

Quirky and near-loveable look at a gaggle of Everyday Losers and the thin excuses for joy which we embrace. Some good sincere laughs. I recommend it, especially to Neo and The Healer. (Netflix)

The Last Samurai ***

(2003) Tom Cruise, Ken Watanabe

Fun but thin exploration of late nineteenth century Japanese political strife, too low in integrity and too high in masturbatory American mojo.

Mustang ****1/2

(2015) Gunes Sensoy, Doga Zeynep Doguslu, Tugba Sunguroglu, Elit Iscan, Ilayda Akdogan

Thank goodness I failed to pass on this bold and gutsy film when the previews looked dangerously chick-flickish (a cowardly accusation I know). Wonderful painful important stuff concerning one of the most morbid of human traditions and the brilliant determination of youth. Must see!

Morgan **

(2016) Kate Mara

Potentially Intriguing tableau immediately dissolves into pointless action flick with hilariously over-telegraphed plot twist. Too violent for your kids and too dumb for you. Possibly good for thirteen year old boys with a naughty penchant for girl fights?

The Light Between Oceans ****

(2016) Alicia Vikander, Michael Fassbender

Laudable tale of love and honour and if that sounds ho-hum, I don’t mean it to be.  

Regression ***

(2015) Emma Watson, Ethan Hawke

Catchy thriller on the subject of child abuse which fails to achieve the subtlety it aspires to. Quite compelling though and historically significant.

Anthropoid ****

(2016) Cillian Murphy, Jamie Dornan

Vivid and gutsy; often distressing truth-based Nazi-rebellion story ramps up as it progresses. It’s worth the punch line and just squeezes in to my holocaust movie A-List.

Life**

(2017) Jake Gyllenhaal, Rebecca Ferguson

Decent action flick according to one action flick subscriber who I happen to respect. But with such a grand title and the participation of Magnet-For-Gems Jake Gyllenhaal, I had some really high hopes as dashed to smithereens as a certain space station. Here are my suggestions for a more appropriate title:

Alien 5: The Regurgitation

My Dinner With Calvin

With Six You Get No Egg Roll

Calvin and the Ship-Munch

Sardine Wars

Jake Gyllenhaal Picks a Lemon

Okay, I’ll stop now.