The man I should be

I don’t wish to carry on at length with regards to the bond between Neo and myself but there is a matter of housecleaning on the subject, which must be briefly addressed out of principle. In the pursuit of honesty I must look back at my comments about broken-heartedness and alienation and try to update those observations as the interpretations of my feelings have clarified.

One: I realized shortly after reporting that “the crux of my broken-heartedness” was in losing (or so it seemed at the time) the one companion who fully “allowed me to be myself,” that that is not generally accurate but rather reflected slanted feelings at that moment. I realized quickly that what was actually hurting the most was of a parental nature: it was the thought of Neo suffering in the future and me being handcuffed from trying to help him. It was those thoughts which actually hurt most.

Two: On the subject of my feeling alien; of people not allowing me to be “myself”: I think what I have realized is that no one is stopping me from being myself more so than I am.

It is not really “myself” that is being inhibited. It is my potential that is being inhibited. What I have called "myself" is more the man I think I should be than the man I really am.

And the far majority of blame for that lack of evolution is in me and not in my associates. I can’t possibly "blame" anyone for holding me back when I myself am holding myself back.

It’s important for me to remember that. And also for me to take action in terms of that re-evolution, rather than waiting around for it to happen.