Whoa, now hang on! He's not a racist Hitler, and he doesn't want to kill any people; just cows and pigs. Which is pretty unkind, I realize.
But he is insane and ruthless and an uncompromising tyrant. And he's irresistible. He's feared and obeyed by his subordinates. He's the agent in my brain in charge of hunger. Thank god he is not always in command. But he's the most powerful commander in my brain and will grab power at the slightest opportunity. When I'm hungry obviously. When I'm bored which is luckily practically never, and when I'm not full or necessarily hungry but around food.
He is utterly canine in his instincts. This is what my dieticians need to understand and what I have failed to fully realize in myself and failed to communicate. Trying to teach me dietary discipline is like trying to teach it to your dog. Even if Fido could understand you his instincts will not allow him to cooperate. I am no different.
Correction: I have realized my Food Hitler's presence for a long time. What I have failed to fully realize until now is just how undefeatable he is. I know now there is only one solution for me. To keep him out of the drivers seat. I need utter convenience. I need an absence of abusable food. I need a computer with controls placed on it to withhold Doordash and Skip the Humanity sites from me.
I need a strict protein/meal replacement diet for a long long time. With fibre supplements and probably some kind of simple fat source to go along with it. And a regular alarm that goes off five times a day or whatever, telling me to have a shake - or a shake and a yogurt or whatever. Simple eat-ready products that can go in my bar fridge in my room. No more kitchen. Guaranteed nothing else will work. Atkins, Weight Watchers, The Zone, the Four Hour Body and the Bariatric program have all failed for me. My only success has been with a temporary protein shake diet designed by my personal dietician and myself a couple years ago. And that is also the only diet that I could reliably jump right back on to after a cheat day,
And cheat days WILL happen. Christmas, thanksgiving etcetera. And that's okay.
The goal now is to get a dietician on board who will support me long term with this. They will know it is not ideal. But no ideal diets will ever work for me. We can't afford to fool ourselves any longer.
If I have to, I'll do it alone. But the better the dietician, the better my access to superior prescription meal replacement shakes. If I'm on my own then I have to deal with over the counter products and all of their deficiencies.
I'll do what I have to do.
Finally. No more fucking around.
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