OPENING CEREMONY !

That's right. It's time to light the torch for the Olympics; the only Olympics that matter. The first ever International Search Engine Olympics where we shall find out what search engines will champion our search needs and which are the stinking losers!

Now bear with me, 'cause this was supposed to be the first event but suddenly I found myself yammering out an opening ceremony instead so... whadda we need? A torch, a song and some fireworks? Okay. Torch:

And now here's a song which seems to be trying very hard to be funny, by someone who has apparently never experienced anything remotely funny in their entire lives. Apologies in advance:

And... fireworks:

See you tomorrow for the first event!

A new font for a new age. Sorry it's come to this.

Wh@+ d0 y0u +h!nk? !s +h!s read@ble 3n0ugh? !'m +h!nk!ng ! sh0uld s+@r+ us!ng +h!s m3+h0d f0r @ll my !nternettery. Th!s w@y ! w0n'+ g3+ hurl3d !n+0 F@c3b00k gul@g 3v3ry +!m3 ! s@y, "H3y bust3r! D0n'+ m@k3 m3 c0m3 0v3r th3r3!" @nd ! w0n'+ g3t @ Y0u+ub3 s+r!k3 3v3ry +!m3 ! s@y "!'m g0nn@ punch +h@+ [!nsert c3l3br!+y] !n +h3 n0s3 @ t!ny b!t !f ! f!nd 0u+ h3 d!ddl3d +h0s3 k!ds!" @nd ! w0n'+ g3+ susp3nd3d fr0m +h3 m!n3cr@ft s3rv3r @nym0r3 wh3n ! s@y "Pl3@s3 h3lp m3 s0m30n3 b3f0r3 ! cu+ mys3lf!"

+h3r3's @ h@lf-n@+!0nful 0f qu!3tly-r@g!ng Trump-lun@+!cs s!mm3r!ng d0wn +h3r3 d3sp3r@+3ly w@n+!ng +0 k!ll p30pl3 bu+ ! h@v3 +0 b3 D!sn3y-fr!3ndly 0n +h3 w3b.

H@v3 ! 3v3r m3n+!0n3d +h@+ +h!s s0c!3+y !f fuck3d b3y0nd fuck3d?

Holy $#!T I'm leaving the house today!

My friend the Ponderer is picking me up and we're going out for coffee and I'm gonna use my Timmy Tim Tim cards what I got for Christmas and get donuts for the Beach House Gang what I live with and I'm not even gonna poison them first.

I wonder if the Angry Poo Flinger will be there. Probably not.

 

Front Page News!

Top scientists make startling discovery re tobacco

All around the world, tens of thousands of top scientists have suddenly discovered that cigarette smoking might be bad for you. Some even claim that smoking can blacken lungs, choke nearby human beings and give you cancer!

Tobacco companies have immediately responded, calling the allegations outlandish. Says Thérèse Esperdy, chairwoman of Imperial Brands, formerly Imperial Tobacco, whose brands include tobacco, tobacco and tobacco: "Everyone knows that smoking is the smartest nicest healthiest thing people can do. It gives you shiny teeth and fresh breath, makes you popular and cures cancer. And did you know that it also stops dirty underwear from appearing on your living room floor when surprise guests pop in for a visit? I am the mother of five children and I make all of them smoke a pack of cigarettes before bed time which soothes their chronic coughs and ensures they will wake up healthy - except for Little Hank and Bobby-Sue who are currently dead. We buried them in adult-size coffins loaded with cartons of Winstons so they can smoke their tiny hearts out in the after-life. Did you know that Jesus was a smoker? That's why his gob was so yellow when he spat on non-believers."

When questioned about Esperdy's claims, Jorge Bergoglio of Rome, known in some circles as "Pope Francis" replied: "One might reasonably infer that Jesus was a smoker, for he famously says, Light a man's cigarette and he will smoke for a day. Teach a man to light a cigarette and he will smoke the rest of his life though it may be short one. But Jesus never spat on people. He was a model human being; very kind and very wise. Also I would like for Jonathan Pryce to portray me in a feature film about my life but I want the movie to be more about my progressive rock endeavors and my success at Angry Birds game and less about all that churchy stuff."

 

Has this ever happened to you?

My life in a nutshell

The PSW arrived promptly at 08:30 for bed bath time. I felt actually wakeful for the first time since the Post-COVID Droopy Dreary Dead Sleepy Syndrome came along. Washed about half the dishes that four people have accumulated in the last three days. (Three of us have been sick and the other does not do human kinds of things such as dish-washing as he in very few ways resembles a human). Made coffee. Donated another to Eugenius who also emerged from his room looking alive for the first time in days, on this occasion with cell-o-phone in hand; Hank Williams crooning out of it croonilly.

Eugene stuck around for twenty minutes, dancing a two-step and singing along with Hank Williams songs and then with George Jones songs. I refused to be outdone. I don't know the words to any country song whatsoever but that didn't stop me from trying. Wait, Actually I know some words to one country song where he says achey breaky heart a whole bunch of times, but technically those aren't words. That's only one word as neither achey or breaky are words. Or maybe they are now. I don't know.

"Sing it Hank!" I crooned. "Down in Mississippi!" I cried. "Yee haw!!" Eugenius patiently sang the "real" words at me with his two-toothed grin a-grinnin'.

"It's been lonely on the saddle siiiiiince.... the horse died," I sang sagely.

The Bro wondered into the kitchen shaking his head sadly. He stretched out his hand.

"Gimme that phone."

"This ain't - NO! - a livin'..."

"I don't want it making that noise!"

"What yooooou been givin'!"

"Luckily I have to get out of here."

"Yee haw!" I added helpfully.

"I have to go get my new glasses."

"Oh! Can I have your old ones!"

"No."

"Why can't I ever have anything nice!"

"They won't work for you!"

"You're so mean to me!"

"Oh for gods sakes"

"You'll be sorry when I'm dead!"

"Here then. Try them on."

The world went all wobbly. "They're broken!"

"They're not broken!" I snatched the fork. "Hey! Easy! What are you doing with that!"

"EEEEE! EEEEE! EEEEE!" I cried; the Psyhcopath shower scene music. I made stabbing motions with the fork.

"Oh my god."

"I kill tuna!" I cried. "I am hunter!" Bro shook his head. Eugenius continued singing; songs about the great tuna and the mighty hunter I presume. "I kill mighty canned tuna and feed my tribe!" I grunted.

Oh.

Wait.

Did I say nutshell?

I meant nut house.

 

Ask FWG

Bored from Toronto writes:

I'm bored.

Dear Bored: You can't possibly be bored in this world. We've got cell phones, bobble heads, fidget spinners, Kardashians, Joe Rogan, Kim Jong Un, Westboro Baptists, Flat Earthers, Fast & Furiouses, scream-o, planking, edible underwear, leaf blowers, democracy, Christianity and truck nutz to keep us deliriously entertained. What more do you need?

Have you tried a leaf blower?