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Top scientists make startling discovery re tobacco

All around the world, tens of thousands of top scientists have suddenly discovered that cigarette smoking might be bad for you. Some even claim that smoking can blacken lungs, choke nearby human beings and give you cancer!

Tobacco companies have immediately responded, calling the allegations outlandish. Says Thérèse Esperdy, chairwoman of Imperial Brands, formerly Imperial Tobacco, whose brands include tobacco, tobacco and tobacco: "Everyone knows that smoking is the smartest nicest healthiest thing people can do. It gives you shiny teeth and fresh breath, makes you popular and cures cancer. And did you know that it also stops dirty underwear from appearing on your living room floor when surprise guests pop in for a visit? I am the mother of five children and I make all of them smoke a pack of cigarettes before bed time which soothes their chronic coughs and ensures they will wake up healthy - except for Little Hank and Bobby-Sue who are currently dead. We buried them in adult-size coffins loaded with cartons of Winstons so they can smoke their tiny hearts out in the after-life. Did you know that Jesus was a smoker? That's why his gob was so yellow when he spat on non-believers."

When questioned about Esperdy's claims, Jorge Bergoglio of Rome, known in some circles as "Pope Francis" replied: "One might reasonably infer that Jesus was a smoker, for he famously says, Light a man's cigarette and he will smoke for a day. Teach a man to light a cigarette and he will smoke the rest of his life though it may be short one. But Jesus never spat on people. He was a model human being; very kind and very wise. Also I would like for Jonathan Pryce to portray me in a feature film about my life but I want the movie to be more about my progressive rock endeavors and my success at Angry Birds game and less about all that churchy stuff."