Wednesday, August 09, 2006

The state of all things

The state of the blog

Okay - life has been chaotic of late. The move to Streetsville. The car going ka-putz. Dear old Blue - the miracle dog - almost going ka-putz. Been playing lacrosse in two different leagues this summer. Too much. Too few moments of calm with which to put coherent editorials together.

I've been feeling a little guilty over the neglect of el-bloggo. One or two posts a week doesn't really cut it. I think a blog should ideally be updated daily, don't you?

I'm thinking I should post shorter blurbs but more frequently - and maybe not be so fussy. Generally for every two to three entries I post, I leave one unpublished, judging it too boring.

I realize I've left some stories hanging - thus the nature of this entry - a hodgepodge of updates.

Perhaps I'm starting to take this thing just a tad seriously thanks to the new counter I just installed a month ago. I'm surprised to learn I'm actually getting a few hits now and then. Whether that's just Captain Vino peaking in three times a day or just a steady patrol of search-engine robots, I don't know.




Actually I'm thinking about inviting a guest writer or two to join the roster and thus provide a little more volume and variety. We'll see how that goes.
I'd certainly have gone to Captain Vino with an offer but he's got his own forum:

Freak Magnet Dave

The state of dear old Blue, miracle dog

She has now turned 14. She also had her bandage removed finally and the procedure - thus far - appears to have been successful. She lives on - and seems happy.

The state of Fantasy Writer Guy

FWG is much too tubby. And it's time to do something about it. Or we're not going to live long enough to finish this confounded fantasy adventure trilogy. The 6-step plan:

1. Find the scale that has mysteriously failed to appear through the entire post-move unpacking process.
2. Join a gym
3. Go to godforsaken gym every other day whether we likes it or not.
4. No more dessert.
5. No more outrageously stupid food - like french-fries.
6. Publish results on the blog including any and all cheating. Perhaps fear of public embarrassment will prove motivation where other sources have failed.

The state of my xiphisternum

I never did get my tests done to ensure this lump in my chest is just a harmless lipoma and not something dire. I really should get around to that. Got to find a Streetsville physician.

The state of the eye-clicking

I once promised to conduct a research survey to determine the prevalence of eye-clickers. The results are long overdue. Here they are:

50% of all surveyed reported that they frequently experience a clicking sensation when rubbing their tired eyes.

Number of persons surveyed: 2

Fantasy Writer Guy's surveys are accurate within 2.0% one time in fifty.

The state of the banana boat

Gee willikers. I finally got the plates today. Over a week ago I'd gone to the MTO office with my bill of sale, my safety certificate, the signed permit, my old plates, the plate permit, the transfer portion of the used vehicle information package and a rhino-choking wad of cash. But I was turned away. Be warned. All this is not enough. You also need an emissions certificate.

So - I went to the Canadian Tire Service Centre on Tuesday and abandoned the boat to them for a half-hour. I scoured the nearby Goodwill store (landing seven decent novels and a VHS copy of Ferris Bueller's Day Off - all for just over ten bucks), then returned to pick up the boat and my emissions certificate for a cool $38. I passed but barely. The Customer Service Guy was very careful to point out that my parts per 'm' of 'HC' was 52 and the limit is 52 - one for every card in the deck. No Jokers aloud. I suspect 'm' stands for 'thousand'. I dunno about the 'HC'. Helpings of Crap perhaps? He was actually a little snotty about it - which got my back up. Never mind that this was only the ASM2525 reading and that at 'curb idle' I only had 27 helpings of crap under a limit of 150! Now that is some passing with flying colours right there! That's an 82% crap-helping cushion right there - but did I receive any accolades for that? No. Of course not.

"Perfect!" I told the CSR man. "That's the way I like it. I like to live on the edge!"

Okay - that's a lie. What I really said was "Perfect. That's the way I like it. Can I pay my bill now and go get on with my life?"

I realize that wasn't very polite of me but he was impolite first and more importantly - in the grand scheme of things I was more polite than the average Canadian Tire Auto Service customer. The average customer has something like this to say:

"What? Are you kidding me? Holy shit - that much? Are you crazy? You're ruining me! You're driving me to financial ruin! Why don't you just bleed my wrists! Jesus Christ!"

So there you go. I was a walk-in-the-park by comparison.

Also in the 'What - Are you kidding me' department is another tidbit of wonderment from this whole automobile transition adventure:

I tacked $6600 onto the $9000 purchase price when applying for the loan - in order to cover the provincial sales tax and to consolidate another debt. The Bank of Montreal - with whom I've enjoyed a long borrowing history (since I was 18) - mortgage, credit card, line-of-credit, car loans and credit reserves - all paid in full without incident or delay - turned down the application. I was surprised but not shocked. I brought mom into the picture as co-signer. She has over a million dollars in assets. They turned her down! At that I was plenty shocked. So we went to the Meridian Credit Union with the exact same application. They didn't know me from Adam. No history with them. They asked me why I was offering a co-signer. I didn't need one, they said. They gave me the loan straight up.

They gave me a nice comfy chair, free coffee, plenty of smiles and nice fat cheque. What a marvelous experience! A thousand middle-fingers to you, Bank of Montreal!

The state of the town-slogan project

Two new additions to the town-slogan project. The first was submitted by Porn King:

Welcome to St. Catharines: When you need a little Viagra!

It's only fair, I suppose - to point out that St. Catharines already has a slogan on their welcome signs. It is this: St. Catharines - When you need a little Niagara!

Which brings us to addition number two: Welcome to Niagara Falls: When St. Catharines just won't do!

Send in your town slogan proposals! We're compiling a database!

The state of dear old Grimace, purple blob guy

Remember Grimace - Ronald MacDonald's old purple friend with the dopey crack-head eyes? If you're like me you've been wondering what he's been up to all these years. Well - apparently he's just hanging out at burger joints, molesting small children. He just doesn't make the headlines anymore.

You know I've always been bitter towards Ronnie and his new crowd for abandoning Grimace and the old McGang. Hamburgler, Mayor MacCheese, Sheriff Big Mac and the Fry Guys. He just cut them loose without any career transition plan or even good references. He brought in that insipid bird-lady and her politically-correct friends with their healthy body types and their coherent English and their calculated personalities. To hell with them, I say. They've got no souls.

I love you Grimace! It's not your fault you're a freak!


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