Monday, September 21, 2009

Just down the road

I have not seen my illicit sweetheart for many weeks. Since I Barbecued a fine dinner and we bobbed in an absent host's hot tub before reclining on the deck. I re-dressed of course but hid the other's clothing. I can be devilish that way.

We had planned to get together yesterday, finally. I phoned in the morning as instructed, left a message and endured long anticipation. Perhaps I have not evolved much, in the realm of love, since my first high-school infatuation. Perhaps not much at all.

The call was not returned until close to midnight.

"Hey! I'm just down the road from you! At [the friend's]!"


"Come on over! Bring some drinks. You have something to drink, no?"

So I had been forgotten about. Until the liquor ran dry. And why should that surprise? I'm not young. I'm not fun. I don't dance; not really. I am just the quiet stable one. Earnest and kind; generous; grateful; worshipful. Always there when needed but no party animal.

"No. I have no booze."

"You must have something! Bring it over. Come now. I won't be here long. I must go home soon!"

"Stop here, then, On your way home." I don't want to see you there, in front of others, where I'm forbidden to touch you.

"No. I can't. When I leave I'm going straight home."

"You could stop here for five minutes." Long enough for kisses and hugs. And wandering fingers on that bewitching youthful skin.

"No. I'm going straight home." Just like that.

That same old dark suspicion, rarely dragged into the light. Dare I say it - Am I being used? And then of course the still darker suspicion. Am I the user? What interest would I ever have taken if not for that gorgeous smile and gorgeous... everything else?

Making use of people. Isn't that the hallmark of society; our strength as a species? Leveraging one another? Cooperation, give and take, mutual parasitism. Such different connotations but might one propose they are different flavours of the same dish?

What might set such perspectives apart? Honesty, perhaps? To give and to take without false motive; without a rosy film; without posturing. Is that what makes it good and not evil? Makes it love and not... usage?

If so then what a hurdle. For honesty is a lovely idea but a phantom. The filters between instinct and consciousness are so hopelessly unnavigable and wickedly invisible and to know this is to ever mistrust myself.

If I'm to be disillusioned in this matter, let it be now! I might be happier to disengage from this infatuation; even more free.

If my love were 'true' perhaps I would have walked over there last night. But I did not go.

Perhaps the process has begun.


Anonymous said...

Heres what you do:

Imagine if that were ME with this conundrum, what would you say to me? You always have common sense thoughts to share with me :)

Anyways, take care, try to get through this with minimum self smacking.

Dave said...

Been there, done that.

I was crushing big time on someone over 14 years ago before meeting The Squeeze. Sure, this character did one or two nice things for me, but certainly my affections were not returned. We used each other for different things, but deep down I knew we were going nowhere.

I'm so grateful for having what I have now, and I see that what I had way back then was shallow and unfulfilling. The Squeeze and I have had our struggles over these 14 years (as of today, in fact!), but it has been so worth it.

I look back and say to myself 'what was I thinking?'. Maybe one day if it feels right for you, you'll do the same.

Kathleen said...

I guess you need to decide what you want with/from your "illicit lover." Are you content to use and be used? Or do you want a real relationship where you are allowed to be seen in public as a couple? It's not easy, but basically those are the questions. Good luck!

Personally, I think he's a schmuck for only using you for booze.