Sunday, July 15, 2012

Chapters fifteen, sixteen

Chapter Fifteen
Pest Control

“Captain, you’ve got Officer Fryppr on C-2,” said Fleaman Gaakk.

“Who? Fryppr?” said Vaugnobbler. The Ouija cube floated between them unobserved. The two each had their noses in separate Earth magazines.

“Maintenance,” said Gaakk.

“Seriously?” The captain fingered his ear. “Go for Vaugnobbler.”

Captain, this is Officer Fryppr; maintenance.


We’ve got a stray human on the Tesseract Deck.

Vaugnobbler slapped the magazine closed and rolled his eyes. “Go on.”

That’s all, Sir.

“That’s all?”

Yes Sir.

“Maintenance Officer Fryppr, are you aware that I am the captain of this ship?”

Yes Sir.

“Well, Obviously then, I’m not the snork-piffling extermination department, am I!”

No Sir.

“Then why are you calling me!” Vaugnobbler made exasperated eyes at Gaakk who shook his head in disgust.

Well, Sir, I’m sorry Sir. It’s just that - it’s in such close proximity to the Dwingeloopian prisoner. I thought it might be of critical - ah - sensitivity.

“Dwingeloopian? What are you talking about, officer!”

In the detex chamber?

“How would a maintenance officer possibly come to know anything about detexees? Such information would be privileged and confidential, would it not!”



I don’t know anything about - I mean… Um…

“Officer, is there an exhaust port nearby your location?”

Yes, Sir.

“Blow yourself out it.” Vaugnobbler rammed his finger into his ear and changed the channel.

Detex One. Go ahead.

“Captain here. Get me Officer Szhueeszscheezse.”

He’s in his quarters. Shall I-

“Get me the duty officer, then.”

One moment…

Go for Acting Officer Mythros.

“Vaugnobbler here. Are you aware of any stray human in the Tesseract?”

Yes Sir. We’re tracking it. We believe it was a third party incidental in the restaurant extraction. We don’t believe this guy knows where it is. It might even be a transient. It has no shoes. Shall we exhaust it?

“Where is it now?”

One moment... Ah - it’s at our back door, actually.

“No. Leave it be as much as possible. Just observe. Prepare a full report on its actions and have my secretary file it some place where I’ll never come across it unless I get really fucking keen. Is that clear?”

Of course sir.

* * *

Chapter Sixteen
Net Working

“Dammit!” said Pamela, staring at her personal device.

“Losing at Bubble Poker?” said Philbert.

“I’m not playing games, loser! I’m trying to get us rescued!”

“You’re not actually online, are you?”


“What!” said Bleeekxpritzle. “You’re on the interwebs?”

“I think so. But facebook is the only site that works.”

“Let me see,” said the Admiral. One of his tentacles swiped the device from her grasp in the blink of an eye. He looked at the web page.

Pamela Baker
help! call FBI & CIA. Im trapped in piggly wiggly at n. broadway & chester. aliens r goin to kill me. not jking. hurry!

  Felicia Cairns
  WTF?? LOL!!! to much tekila last nite @ jj!! lolz!!!

  Brittany Boucher
  lol!!! wtf?? jenfer rat u out agn???

  Corey Bigjohnson Givner
  hey pampam got ur nelk nbmic wtf??? lol!!!

  Pamela Baker

  Dawnella Jackson
  u 2? lol!!!!!! call me L8er

  Ken Fayer
  by me sum chetos thx

“What language is this?” said the Admiral.

“Duh! English!”

The Admiral looked again. “Curious dialect, this Duh-English. Still, there’s something rather dysfunctional with these people, isn‘t there?”

“Hey! Those are my friends, ass hole.”

The Admiral began adding a new comment to the page. “Don’t delete this, whatever you do.” When he handed the device back, Pamela looked and saw this:

Pamela Baker: 1QaZxSw@  3E  dCvFr$5TgBnHy  ^7 UjM,Ki*9Ol<.:p)-k{ITYD‘?\}  =3898hgU
B09 eDu5Glty7676   !qAzXs  W2#eDcV  fR4%tGbHnY6  &uJm  ;P0_[cvz“ Kgf
ED# $5  6kj  2wp[pohfd32DFjkPpk jDEDeY|  234\9 \7654|#rfHJ3  6  76 #k8^%o6o  yC34v5&

Pamela heaved a long sigh.

“Is something the matter?”

“My friends are going to think I’m a moron.”

“That’s nice. If you get any more comments, let me know immediately.”

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