[Editor's warning: The following announcement contains references to American politics so have a full supply of barf bags handy.]
Ladies and Gentlemen: The moment you've all been waiting for! Our very first monumentally-prestigious vegetable-of-the-week prize shall be awarded! Firstly though, sincerest apologies to the cucumber. It may shock one or two of the one or two of you to know that the mighty cucumber was set to receive this incredibly profound honour in this, its inaugural edition, especially given the very rocky relationship the cucumber has had with yours truly over the years but we really just wanted to get it out of the way early and not have further contests spoiled by distracting media speculation and rumor mongering.
But in the light of urgent media events a creature previously-considered (if barely) human-or-equivalent has been reclassified by the Science & Taxonomy Committee here at FWiGland and suddenly now qualifies in the vegetable-or-equivalent division.
Now before I announce the winner, just be advised that "we" in FWiGland have no partisan motivations whatsoever in terms of Yankee politics. We have absolutely no use for Republicans OR democrats. We're not even American; we just know a few handfuls of Americans personally, and some of them we even like! Now on with the presentation:
Ladies and Gentlemen, newly demoted from the Creepy Old White Politician category, winner of the glorious first-ever Vegetable of the Week award, I give you:
the nerdiest wannabe cowboy who wants American streets teeming with concealed guns...
the anti-choice, anti-women's rights, anti-healthcare nutcase who dementedly blurted "Americans don't need health insurance; they just need to lead good lives...!"
that most devoted boot-licker and obedient pool boy to big oil, the NRA and Department of Radical Christian Lunacy Department...
the eleven million American millionaires' most eager tool for coopting the votes of sixty million sludge-brained Yankee doodle rednecks through fear and the most childishly-delirious of obvious lies...
and all around tool...
the most delirious and aggressive poop-spewing representative from that sweet-home-skies-what-are-so-blue, yokel cousin-humping, statistically-most-dearest state to the Klu Klux Klan; Alabama...!
The racist pea-brained pile of gray-haired poop who (only in Alabama...) got elected on a platform which wholly consisted of getting the Trump Wall built any way any how, and opposing every other matter which did not lend itself to, or detracted from the funding of, getting the wall built...
the "most partisan politician in the house" according to the ratings of the Lugar Centre; a peer Republican body; the party which has lost the popular vote in every election that any sane person can remember...
the "least likely politician to ever become an adult" as voted by the Commission for Over-Age Infants (who I invented just now...)
The imbecile of epic proportions who appears to be taking tweeting posture lessons from young high school girls and who tweeted (I swear I'm not kidding) that "many Capitol assaulters were fascist ANTIFAs, not Trump supporters..." prompting chairman of the Hopeless Search for North American Brains and/or Humanity Committee to appeal that he be nationally declared Most Complete Idiot Ever and receive a life-time ban from ever opening his mouth again, reminding "...any jackass who needs reminding that ANTIFA is not fascist! ANTIFA actually... literally... stands for ANTI-FASICISM you ass hole...!"
the scumbag who tried to mitigate consequences for his direct role in assembling the notorious Capitol Hill mob by suggesting he only wanted congress persons to witness the mob through the windows and be intimidated by them, rather than allow them in for an impromptu garage sale...
The first filthy fact-murderer in congress to oppose the 2020 election certification based on a stack of evidence-free rumors which he first heard by whispering them to himself...
the pathetic sellout who goes to bed crying every night, wishing his testicles hadn't dematerialized...
the most loyal Trump-rump-kisser in the House...
the douchebag who put the "Mo" in "Moron" and who easily defeated Three Stooges' head-hammering eye-gouging Moe Howard for the Most Idiotic Mo in All of History award...
Mo Brooks!
Yes, Mo Fucking Brooks everyone! From Ala-fucking-bama of the Not-Very-United States of America!
Here's your certificate Mo. Get your mom or another adult to frame it or stick it to your refrigerator. Also, get fucked, you filthy malignant cretin, preferably in prison where you certainly belong, much more certainly, obviously, than the million or so American black men who are incarcerated without ever having seen a trial thanks to systematic misguided police and prosecutor intimidation tactics; the most obvious case of actual (state-arranged) voter fraud in the NVUSA.
Here you go, folks. Puke bags all around.
Apologies once again to the cucumber, although, frankly cucumber, you're another reason for puke bags. Whoa! Zing! Just kidding!
Tell Trudeau to brand the Proud Boys a terrorist group
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| Gooby's Garden |
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