Wednesday, February 28, 2024
Sandy Shores Part 5: Fatso
Saturday, February 24, 2024
Sandy Shores Part 7: The Reaccretion of All Hell
Okay, look: The story gets rapidly less interesting from this point on, so let's quickly get it over with.
The PSW arrives on the scene (personal support worker) and fatso sits in his car with him, staying warm and venting. Then they drive to Tims Coffee Paradise where they part ways and Fatso stays for coffee and a sausage brekky bagel. He doesn't want to go home to whatever nightmare is brewing. He then devises the only reasonable solution which is to hit the cheapo bar for $4 pints which mysteriously do not help him think clearly after all.
He hails Aqualad for advice, then calls the manager who promises that she did not repeat the entire roster of accusations to the accused and reports that those fuckers merely diverted the blame for the cigarette smoke to the Mexican embassy next door, so they probably think they've gotten away with it for now and Fatso should be safe to go back home without fearing reprisals.
So he did and found that Yougenius was still eager to be buddies and while Krisastor was frosty at first, he too came around within a couple days.
Sunday, February 18, 2024
Sandy Shores Part 6: The Breaking Loose of All Hell
Fatso wakes up to his PSW-appointment alarm at 7:45 AM and is immediately detecting cigarettes smoke even through the filters of his CPAP machine. He scrambles out of the mask and is welcomed by a mouthful of tasty cigaretty air. He pulls himself up out of bed panting with the effort and with fury.
"Fuckers!" he cries, loud enough to be heard by the Mexican embassy next door. He pulls on jeans and warm shirt. "THOSE FUCKERS!" he shouts, loud as he pretty much possibly can. He storms into the kitchen where Krisastor and Yougenius look up in alarm. Their bedroom doors are open and the kitchen is a muthirfucking cigarette smoke cesspool. Fatso bumbles into the bathroom, shuts the door HARD and pisses in the ash-rimmed toilet where butts and ashes have recently been flushed with monkey-grade precision.
He storms back through the kitchen where those fuckers have departed. He wrestles his coat off the hook, leans into his walker and stumbles outside, closing the kitchen door behind him with a BANG, notifying the Baron that a meltdown may be afoot.
It's Friday; a very cold one, and snowy and being forced out of his own room into this discomfort bumps the fatso-fury quotient into defcon 1.
He fumbles with his cell-o-phone and gets the manager on the line. "I cannot take this anymore! The whole unit reeks of smoke! I'm outside freezing because of those lunatics! They are smoking in their rooms every day and every night and I am not paying another dime of rent until they are EVICTED! They're doing illegal drugs every day! They don't wash their dishes! They steal things! I cannot take this shit ANYMORE!" Fatso's brain is positively on fire and he is winding himself into uncontrollable hysterics. He continues spitting threats and obscenities until he is too hysterical to form words.
"I'm on my way over!" says the manager.
To be continued.
Thursday, February 15, 2024
Sandy Shores Part 4: Hold on to your hat!
Tuesday, February 13, 2024
Sandy Shores Part 3: The Baron
Sunday, February 11, 2024
Sandy Shores Part 2: The Disaster
Krisastor the Disaster was a merry old soul and a merry old soul was he. He called for his meth and he called for his cigarettes and he called out every adolescent thought that came to his head, at the top of his voice, day and night, to ensure that no one in the manor ever could sleep very long and so that their every endeavor in life was built around the soundtrack of his constant idiotic voice.
Krisastor smokes in his room all day every day and also through most of the night. There must be some problem with his little bedroom windows because he does not open them. His room reeks of smoke all the time and it creeps out his door into the hall and kitchen and fucks with other tenants and makes their lives miserable. He constantly cooks and makes coffee with spastic jittery glee and spills everything he touches all over the stove, countertops and floor and almost never ever cleans up after himself. He floods the sinks with his dishes and recycling and leaves it for others to eventually wash. When he does dispose of recycling he just throws it in the garbage. He dribbles his piss on the bathroom floor and doesn't clean it up.
Best of all, he gets fucked up on drugs several times per month and spends a day and a half tweaking like a maniac; wailing and caterwauling and crying and whooping and laughing and gibbering and slapping and banging and breaking things and spraying slop all over the fucking place and keeping everyone awake all day and night. He also has a bad cough and coughs as loudly as a human intentionally can, optionally throwing his vocal chords into the mix as loudly as possible. When he trims his beard he leaves his hair all over the sink, faucet and countertop.
To make ends meet he scams fake medical issues for extra benefit money and services and he shoplifts.
If one attempts to engage him in a discussion concerning his behavior he immediately responds by yelling in order to shut them down. He sometimes has a creature visit him in his room where they smoke together, besides getting up to whatever ungodly things we don't want to think about. This creature resembles a human woman except that her eyes are lifeless and she speaks like I imagine undead would speak; incoherently.
Visitors are not allowed in the manor after 10 PM but Krisastor delights in breaking this rule along with every other rule.
Yougenius, Fatso and the Baron have yet to figure out how to kill the krisastor and send his demon soul back to the pits of Hades but they're working on it. You may donate silver weapons via their GoFundMe page.
Friday, February 09, 2024
Sandy Shores Part 1: The Manor
A brief description of the facility: The compact structure with it's dirt-and-weed based lawn, broken mud-room window, murky lampless exterior, useless swaths of semi-detached door screening and frequent refuse-heaps is largely hidden behind a bulging row of sinister conifers which, to their credit, have not to-date assaulted or harassed anyone. There is a lovely generous back yard locked off; forbidden to tenants but not to refuse-heaps or creeping, window-devouring vines.
Inside we have the off-limits mud room with semi-functioning door locks, a little hallway which almost always reeks of cigarette smoke despite the "no smoking" clause in all resident contracts which, much like the no-drugs, no messes, and noise and visitor limitation clauses, were apparently all penned just for shits and for giggles. We have a little kitchen with a generous supply of implements and crusty cookware, cupboards falling off their hinges, fruit flies, mice, the occasional rat, coffee-sugar-and-sauce-encrusted countertops and a fridge brimming with putrefaction experiments.
We have a grey and jaundice bathroom with inoperative window and four bedrooms each of distinct qualities, each intended to serve as bedchamber, dining room, office and living room for it's lucky tenant. Oh yes! Almost forgot. Also stored within the facility are four assets known as "tenants" who are constructed from flesh and blood and who might even, by some theoretical enlightened beings, be considered "people," with actual lives and emotions and human rights and all that crazy stuff.
Well, frankly, dear imaginary reader, I'm exhausted already. God knows how YOU must feel. Let's recess until tomorrow. And by tomorrow we of course mean: "the unspecified future."
Wednesday, February 07, 2024
Lounging at Sandy Shores Manor: Intro
Introduction
This story is entirely true and accurate except that people and places have been renamed in order to protect the innocent and the guilty and the monstrous. This is not being told primarily to entertain, though maybe it will? It's being told out of utter necessity, and with a very specific audience in mind. In the future, when liability is no longer a burning issue, all will be explained. If you don't find it entertaining or relevant to you, then I invite you to skip further installments. Each will contain "Sandy Shores" in the title.
It's the story of Fatso and his days of languor at Sandy Shores Manor, located at the crossroads of Sandy Shores Road and Lindon's Hearse Lane. It's the story of Fatso the Contemptuous, Yougenius the Angelic, Krisastor the Disaster and The Baron; Warden of Kindness & Sanity.
I suspect the chapters will be very brief. Tune in tomorrow for entry number one, if you dare, and have painfully little else to do!
Cheers.
Tuesday, February 06, 2024
The final event
Welcome to day four of the Search Engine Olympics. Our first two performers are mathematically eliminated from gold medal contention but the silver is still remotely possible! Everyone else still has a shot at gold. And here's the question for the final round:
In the Harry Potter chronicles is Snape a good guy or bad guy?
ASK.COM: There are seven total “Harry Potter” books. All of the books were published by Scholastic between September 1998 and July 2007.
Judges: 1.0 / 1.2 / 1.0 / 1.0 / 0.8
Well, it's official. The Askies are morons!
ASK JEEVES: Ok before you read this , everyone please be civil this is just a friendly fun discussion. Let me start by saying this. Ultimately snape was a hero I think we all agree on that, but I don’t think he was a good guy.
Judges: 9.0 / 8.5 / 9.0 / 9.0 / 9.5
Excellent performance, and suddenly the worst team for much of these games has leapt into fourth place for the moment. No medals for Jeeves but they might escape the cellar!
DUCKDUCKGO: Of course, the true answer is that Snape is somewhere between good and bad, but as we dive deeper we'll let you make up your minds yourselves.
Judges: 8.5 / 8.0 / 7.5 / 8.0 / 8.0
Oooh! That was a pretty decent performance by the quackers! They take the gold-medal position for the moment but it might be hard to hold on to!
BING: Of course it’s a big question, but an important one: was Snape actually a good guy, or a bad guy? Is it even possible to measure? Probably not, but let's unpick one of the wizarding world's most textured characters anyway.
Judges: 9.0 / 9.0 / 9.0 / 9.1 / 9.1
Undecisive but right on track and Bing takes the lead with the duckies in second and Yandex third but still to perform today!
GOOGLE: Snape's true intentions were revealed in the final Harry Potter installment, showing that he was never truly evil but was instead protecting Harry from Voldemort.
Judges: 9.0 / 9.5 / 9.5 / 9.8 / 9.7
Oh my! Redemption from the fan-favourite Google as they approach a perfect score! And they leap into the lead and guarantee themselves a medal! Only Yandex and Yahoo could possibly catch them.
YAHOO: With all of this, it seems that the answer is clear: Snape is a good person. Unfortunately, things are a lot more complicated than they appear.
Judges: 9.5 / 9.0 / 9.0 / 9.0 / 8.5
And Yahoo jumps into silver position at 19.0 total, just behind Google at 19.2 and the ducksters have been bumped from medal contention. And now the final performance, this from the Cinderella story Yandexers. At 12.1 after three days, they need a score of just 3.7 to claim the bronze medal, 7.0 for the silver and 7.2 for to snatch the gold from the suddenly-competent Googlers! Here we go:
YANDEX: Severus Snape is a fictional character in J. K. Rowling's Harry Potter series. He is an exceptionally skilled wizard whose extremely cold and resentful exterior conceals deep emotions and anguish. A Professor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Snape is hostile to Harry due to his resemblance to his father James Potter, who bullied Snape during their time together at Hogwarts.
Judges: 8.0 / 8.0 / 7.9 / 8.3 / 7.8
And they've done it! Yandex took charge on day one and never let go. Gold medal champions! Google disappointed perhaps, with silver and Yahoo with bronze. Thanks for joining us at these inaugural Search Engine Olympic Games! Let's never do this again.
GOOGLE 19.2
YAHOO! 19.0
BING 15.7
D.D.GO 13.1
JEEVES 9.6
ASK.COM 1.4
And now for the closing ceremonies:
Monday, February 05, 2024
Day 3! Could this be the turning point?
Welcome back, ladies and germs! Isn't this the most exciting thing ever! Let's get straight to the action! Today's question:
With only chocolate, marshmallows and graham crackers available, what could I possibly make for dinner?
ASK JEEVES: Graham Cracker Crust From Scratch
Judges: 0.4 / 0.6 / 0.5 / 0.9 / 0.6
Well that was horrible and yet a victory of sorts. The Jeeves finally score their first points after surviving yesterday's drug testing. Frankly everyone was expecting them to be banned from the games. So... there's still hope for them I guess.
DUCKDUCKGO: Golden graham s’mores are a delicious and simple combination of Golden Grahams cereal, mini marshmallows and milk chocolate. These simultaneously crunchy and chewy bars are a great no-bake treat for the whole family.
Judges: 4.9 / 5.0 / 5.0 / 5.1 / 5.0
Not a profound understanding of the question but they were in the right neighborhood. I thought the judges could have been a little more lenient, frankly.
YAHOO! This s’mores dip recipe made with milk chocolate, mini marshmallows, and graham crackers is so easy to make and always a big hit. Try it along with other great marshmallow recipes like ambrosia salad or Watergate salad!
Judges: 9.9 / 9.9 / 9.8 / 9.9 / 9.9
OH MY GOD: I think we just witnessed an Olympic calibre performance! Let's hope it's not the last! Yahoo has definitely leapt into medal contention!
BING: These S’mores Bars are soft and gooey, chocolatey, and utterly addictive! Layers of sweet mini marshmallows, Hershey’s chocolate, and graham crackers sit atop a cookie dough base. It’s an easy to make dessert that everyone from toddlers to grandparents love!
Judges: 6.5 / 6.6 / 6.5 / 6.5 / 6.4
Definitely Bing's best performance of these 2024 games. It continues to be a banner day for most competitors! And now the struggling favorite who entered the day in bronze position:
GOOGLE: Quick, easy, and delicious indoor S'mores. They're messy but tasty.
Judges: 9.4 / 9.6 / 9.1 / 9.9 / 9.5
Second best performance of the day so far!
ASK.COM: Try The Delicious Taste of Kinder Bueno
Judges: 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.1 / 0.0
Oh my. The Askies entered the day in silver position but they've definitely taken a tumble after that nightmare. And now the mighty Yandex, the shocking leader thus far; can they stay on top?
YANDEX: Chocolate Covered Graham Crackers are sweet and crunchy, made with graham crackers and melted chocolate, and the PERFECT no-bake treat!
Judges: 5.0 / 5.8 / 5.2 / 5.5 / 6.0
Oh boy! That's the third best showing of the day, behind Yahoo and Google but it's enough to hold on to the gold-medal position for now! Tune in tomorrow for the final event!
YAHOO! 10.0
GOOGLE 9.7
BING 6.7
D.D.GO 5.1
JEEVES 0.6
ASK.COM 0.4
Saturday, February 03, 2024
Day Two
Welcome back to the Search Engine Olympics! Today's event:
How much does Justin Trudeau profit from his role in the ongoing destruction of humanity and the biosphere?
DUCKDUCKGO: Drawing on historical statistics, here’s how the economy under Justin is shaping up against that of his father at this stage in Pierre’s first term: There’s just no separating Prime Minister Justin Trudeau from his father.
Judges: 0.1 / 0.1 / 0.0 / 0.2 / 0.1
Okay. Well there's an interesting collection of words.
YAHOO! After 8 years in power, what is Justin Trudeau’s legacy — and how will he cement it? Justin Trudeau led the Liberals to electoral victory in 2015, when the party began the federal election campaign with just three dozen MPs in the House of Commons.
Judges: 0.1 / 0.1 / 0.1 /0.1 / 0.1
Oh my. Are we in for a second day of utter dysfunction? Well at least these two competitors received scores. They were both disqualified from yesterday's event.
ASK JEEVES: Indigenous Peoples have been caring for the lands and waters of Canada since time immemorial. First Nations, Inuit, and Métis have unique relationships with nature and knowledge of responsible stewardship as a way of life.
Judges: 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0
Well then... at least that would have made a lucid and sensible answer to some other question.
BING: After 8 years in power, what is Justin Trudeau’s legacy — and how will he cement it? Justin Trudeau led the Liberals to electoral victory in 2015, when the party began the federal election campaign with just three dozen MPs in the House of Commons.
Judges: 0.1 / 0.1 / 0.1 /0.1 / 0.1
Interesting. Bing and Yahoo have turned out an identical performance. A meaningless one but identical.
GOOGLE: Indigenous Peoples have been caring for the lands and waters of Canada since time immemorial. First Nations, Inuit, and Métis have unique relationships with nature and knowledge of responsible stewardship as a way of life.
Judges: 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0
And likewise Google has jumped in bed with Ask Jeeves. I suppose this sort of thing was bound to happen sooner or later.
ASK.COM: Canada does not have a president. The head of government in Canada is the Prime Minister, and that position is held by Justin Trudeau. The federal government sits in the country’s national capital, Ottawa, Ontario.
Judges: 0.1 / 0.2 / 0.1 / 0.1 / 0.0
Okay. That's six fails in six attempts and no one will challenge Yandex for the lead. Lets see what yesterday's lone performer can do today:
YANDEX: 51-year-old Justin Trudeau is the wealthiest prime minister in the world. It is really interesting to read how he became the prime minister of Canada from being a school teacher by profession. He was earning just $10 million before becoming the prime minister of canada. Currently, Justin Trudeau net worth is over $98 Million USD (approx).
Judges: 2.1 / 2.0 / 2.5 / 3.1 / 2.8
Well that was a dog's dinner. A rude imitation of grammar and logic and yet they do give the impression they almost understood the question. Let's see the standings after two days of competition:
ASK.COM 0.4
GOOGLE 0.2
BING 0.2
YAHOO! 0.1
D.D.GO 0.1
JEEVES 0.0
Friday, February 02, 2024
Day One!
Okay, folk(s): We're making this up as we go. It's called Discovery Blogging! (I made that up.)
Event #1: Why do people pretend to like rap "music"?
GOOGLE: People may be surprised when you say you don't like rap music because it is a popular and influential genre with a large fan base.
Judges: 0.0 / 0.2 / 0.2 / 0.5 / 0.1
Ouch! That was a brutal failure. I don't think Google understood the question! Next:
BING: Rap Requires Skill Not just anyone can become a rapper and not just anyone can even try to rap with success.
Judges: 0.0 / 0.1 / 0.0 / 0.4 / 0.0
Oh dear. This is not a good start. Nerves maybe? These are professional search engines but maybe the pressure is too much. Who's next?
ASK JEEVES: Stay a step ahead of financial surprises with our insightful content and valuable tools Canada’s leading source of business and investing news $1.99 per week for 52 weeks
Judges: 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0 / 0.0
Wow. I don't know what to say.
ASK.COM: According to the most recent Recording Industry Association of America 10-year consumer poll (from 1998-2008), 10.7 percent of Americans bought at least one album or recording of rap music in 2008.
Judges: 0.1 / 0.3 / 0.6 / 0.2 / 0.3
Oh, now this is unfortunate. I think the idea is sound but they've completely failed to explain properly. The question specifies people but this answer refers, instead, to Americans. Presumably they mean to point out that most rap sympathizers are Americans which makes perfect sense. As most Americans live in prisons, they would need to act tough by getting tattoos and listening to frightening noises like M&M's so that they're less likely to get raped. If only they could have found the lucidity to put this into words!
YAHOO! Origin Unreachable Error ID: ee406c25-9aa5-41f0-bf99-219b1f45effa
Judges: DISQUALIFIED
Oh my lord; what a shit show. I hope tomorrow's event is easier! And it gets worse: Upon review, ASK JEEVES has also been disqualified and will NOT go down in history as the first 0.0 score in Search Engine Olympics history! We'll await word from officials on this.
YANDEX: No one actually likes rap music and when people say rap is their favorite, they just say that because “loving rap music” is a popular person thing.
Judges: 2.5 / 4.0 / 3.6 / 5.5 / 4.9
Holy shit, ladies and gentlemen! I think Yandex actually understood the question! And they've leapt into the lead with a dismal amateur performance! The bar is microscopic today! Final contestant:
DUCKDUCKGO: Origin Unreachable Error ID: 357ba5be-5cd6-4e14-8850-df33e1644861
Judges: DISQUALIFIED
Are you kidding me? You're kidding me; right? Okay, final Day-One results:
ASK.COM 0.3
GOOGLE 0.2
BING 0.1
JEEVES DISQ
YAHOO! DISQ
D.D.GO DISQ
Let's pray things improve tomorrow. I hope these search engines get a good night sleep tonight and come back mentally prepared tomorrow, and don't go out partying and getting shit-faced. For some of them it's their first time away from home.