Wednesday, June 14, 2006

FWG’s World Cup Predictions

Ten fearless FIFA World Cup soccer predictions from sports prognosticator Fantasy Writer Guy:

1. Team Ghana will score only one goal in the tournament but when they do, all six Ghanaians living in the GTA will go driving around Toronto in Khumu’s Aerostar honking the horn - until Khumu gets arrested for drunk driving.

2. Team Canada will not qualify for the World Cup - ever again.

3. Two TV announcers will suffer mild strokes while announcing goals and one will die of asphyxiation.

4. Two World Cup soccer players will get into a fight during the tournament and both will lose.

5. 138 World Cup soccer players will on one or more occasions during the tournament, fall down, apparently unscathed, writhe in agony and wail at the ref, begging him to kiss their boo-boo better.

6. At every World Cup match the grass on the field will grow marginally longer during the course of the game.

7. 5404 Italian soccer fans will get drunk in pubs watching team Italy and then go home and beat up their wives.

8. 5760 English soccer fans will get drunk in pubs watching team England and then go home and get beaten up by their wives.

9. 60,000 Brazilian soccer fans will be inconsolably and royally pissed off when their team does not win the cup.

10. 24,000 Canadians will ask each other ‘Whats up with all the flags and all the beeping eh? And when’s NHL training camp start?’

Sports prognosticator Fantasy-Writer-Guy has a solid record predicting hockey outcomes under the alias Chippy-the-Wonder-Pimp. This is his first forray into the soccer realm. Fantasy Writer Guy is not a racist. He is a proven champion of racial tolerance. He loves Italians, Englishmen and Canadians and never heard of Ghana until yesterday. His comments are all in fun and are racially colorful only because the World Cup is a multi-cultural event which is cause for great celebration in Fantasy Writer Guy's household.

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