Tuesday, September 11, 2007

More fun at the office

Our I.T. Acquisition Manager took a week off. Her last name is Romano. She came back to find 'Romano Manor - Population 0'.

I confess I took no part in this.

I did however take full responsibility for my boss's welcome-back present. Last time we covered his desk in thousands of goodies. This time we kept it simple. I took his page-per-day desk calendar titled 2007 Daily Aspirations. We all have one. Our company produced it. It's full of inspiring quotes - one for every day - and most of them break down into utter nonsense, quite frankly. It runs from March 1 to February 28. I sat down with my pen and modified every single quote in the boss's calendar from August 13 to Feb 28.
Some examples:
Be the change you want to see in the world. Myself, I am two dimes and a penny.
Mahatma Ghandi
A friend is a gift you give yourself. And so is masturbation.
Robert Louis Stevenson
What lies behind us, what lies before us are tiny matters, compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson speaking of his ass, nose and spleen.
If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I would spend six sharpening my ax. That's a euphemism by the way! Tee hee!
Abraham Lincoln
If you don't have time to do it right, do you have time to do it again? And what's with the locks on the toilet paper dispensers in public bathrooms? It's like they don't really want you to wipe!
Jerry Seinfeld
What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say. But my, that's a handsome jackhammer you got there.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
You will never find time for anything. If you want time, you must make it. For extra creamy time use milk instead of water.
Charles Buxton.
Knowledge is power. But being dumb is pretty OK too.
Francis Bacon
Bite off more than you can chew, then chew it. Then stick out your tongue and show people what you have done.
Ella Williams
Women hold up half the sky. So they should wear deoderant.
Chinese saying
Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower. Except for Darcy Tucker. For he is a thorn.
Albert Camus
It is by acts and not by ideas that people live.
Anatole France
It is by a river in a van that people live.
Chris Farley
Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still.
Chinese proverb
Man going sideways through metal detector going to Bangkok.
Another Chinese proverb
It ain't bragging if you can do it. eight times in one night.
Dizzy Dean
Act like you can get into the end zone. and then do a silly dance.
Joe Paterno
To infinity and beyond. and then a little bit further. And then Greenland.
Buzz Lightyear
I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship. in the bathtub. Meet Captain Ducky. Quack Quack! Aye aye Captain!
Louisa May Alcott
A vision without a plan is a hallucination.
Ron Kirk
A... VISION...! Without... A PLAN...!! IS...! A...! Hallu... CINATION...!
Captain Kirk
Okay. I think we've had more than enough of that. So who the heck is Dizzy Dean?


Anonymous said...

Oh I so look forward to your posts FWG! Love Love Love to read your posts!

My sides hurt now, maybe I love too much...

Kathleen said...

Dizzy Dean is an old baseball player...might have been a pitcher.

Now I know why you haven't been posting, you've been too busy being inspirational. You are clever, young man!!!

Kathleen said...

I'm so good.

Oh yeah, loved the Darcy Tucker reference. That man is a freak!!! He scares me.

Anonymous said...

Genius, my friend. Genius.

Anonymous said...

Damn, that is some funny shit right there. I'm hoping your manager will feel the same way.

Fantasy Writer Guy said...

The manager hasn't even acknowledged it. Mind you - the raise and title upgrade he promised 5 weeks ago has mysteriously failed to materialize.


Thanks for the tip, Kats!

Babs Gladhand said...

That was brilliant. I've always detested the daily affirmation/motivational poster crap. Which is why I love this website...Demotivators

The Guy Who Thinks He's Boss has a motivational poster up. Maybe while he's gone I should replace it with one of the demotivational posters.