Sunday, August 10, 2008

Ask FWG, not Jeeves - edition seven

Once again, These are my answers to the legitimate web search queries that led innocent surfers to click on Fantasy Writer Guy:

g1test fee
If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

Streetsville nut house
All are welcome. See you when you get here.

blinded by the light wrapped up like a dues
Like a dues? A dues? Are you kidding me? What’s that? Like a library dues? Your insane. Go sit in the corner and keep quiet.

sobeys nacho dip ingredients
Tomatoes, modified milk solids, jalapino peppers, onion powder, tapioca starch, elephant sperm, artificial colour, calcium extract, citric acid.

packed up like a deuce
Is that you again? Get back in the corner. Honestly. Packed? Get the wax out.

toronto "cat detector"
Voila: The Toronto Cat Detector:

how do you know you have a lump in the middle of your chest and it is not the sternum
If it speaks to you at night and whispers such things as, “I am not your sternum” or “Go and kill your father” or anything really. Authentic sternums are most definitely mute.

breakfast sausage
Holy crap! I can’t believe my little old blog came up number 3 according to South Korea’s most popular web search portal! I must be all the rage in South Korea! Sorry. To answer your question, you can usually be certain it’s a breakfast sausage and not a penis if you find it resting on a plate alongside some eggs and toast. But even then you should proceed with caution. An exploratory poke is always a good idea.

1408 what brand of cognac Cusack
I don’t know. What brand of rye guy?
What brand of vodka Vladika?
What brand of rum chum?

"madd scientists"
A committee of leading Physicists bent on the quest to determine how little red ribbons may be fixed to automobile radio antennas; lead by Dr. Alfred McSobershtingein. Also the name of an excellent blues band that very sadly, broke up.

FWG Jeans
A popular brand of apparel back when I was a kid. Until Wayne Gretzky did a commercial for them and all my clever little contemporaries began saying that FWG stood for “Fag, Wayne Gretzky” which drove the brand to extinction. No, wait a minute. It was “Gay Wayne Gretzky”. Yeah, that’s right because it was GWG jeans. Not FWG. I think you meant to say GWG. I think you made a smelling pistake. Ha ha ha! Get it? That’s a clever way to say ‘spelling mistake’. Ha ha ha. I’m so funny.

camel toe
What? You keep hearing the joke but you don’t get it? Don’t feel bad. I didn’t either for a while and now I wish I still didn’t. The answer is two, by the way. Per foot that is. Eight altogether.

cubical makeover
You spelled cubicle wrong, dipshit. Oh. And so did I. Okay, never mind.

sixteen discussion questions in back of the alchemist
They are as follows:
1. How do you turn lead into gold?
2. How do you turn gold into lead?
3. How do you turn water into wine?
4. What is your favorite colour?
5. What is the average airborne velocity of an unladen African swallow?
6. What is the average airborne velocity of an unladen European swallow?
7. How many bloggers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
8. Who’s buried in Grant’s Tomb?
9. What was your mother drinking the night she became pregnant with you?
10. How many children did George Bush Sr. have that lived?
11. Tell me why Bob Geldof doesn’t like Mondays
12. How many times is the F-word spoken in the film Scarface?
13. Do you want to pet my monkey?
14. Why doesn’t Flumadiddle come around anymore?
15. How do you spell relief?
16. Is that a half-roll of dimes in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

The information provided above is correct to the best of the author’s knowledge at the time of this release. The author bears no responsibility, financial or otherwise, for any manifestations of the use or misuse of the above counsel, including but not limited to: financial loss; data loss, stutter, chronic tardiness, arthritis, shingles, contagious penis, explosive sneezery, coastal erosion, gum disease, lead foot, shrinkage, quivers down your backbone, shakes in your thigh bone or Indian rub burn.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

GWG means "Gay Wayne Gretzky" does it? Interesting. since he is a fag. I wish I knew that before.