Sunday, February 22, 2009

Twenty-Five Random Things About Me

This is a crossposted Facebook tag:

I confess these are not random. they are the only twenty-five I came up with.

1. I sometimes am subtly cynical regarding common misuse of the English language (see above).

2. I realize that language belongs to the people at large and that dictionaries only report what is happening in the general public. Thus the literate elite are always held at ransom to you bastards!

3. I boughts me some socks in China Town. Twelve pairs for ten bucks. They is grey and fuzzy and I loves them.

4. I have twice had to trim a protruding nose-hair. I propose this should mark the coming of age of a man instead of the arbitrary completion of nineteen orbits of the sun. A passing star, black hole or interstellar dust cloud, if near enough, could possibly upset the earth's orbit but nose-hair growth would remain unaffected in such an event, unless of course the resulting barrage of comets pummels the earth and kills every creature with a nose.

5. I have moved to Hamilton Ontario and am looking for a Security Guard job - a cushy one with a desk and a roof over my head - so that while I'm writing eight hours a day I can collect a paycheck for doing nothing. If anyone knows of such a sucker - I mean - security company - do let me know!

6. I’m supposed to be writing eight hours a day. I don’t think this counts.

7. I’m learning to play the guitar. It’s going well and I’m writing songs now. And that counts.

8. I am writing this while sitting next to an animal that is part Terrier, Poodle and Shiatsu. He is fondly referred to as a Terri-Poo-Shit. He looks more like a rat with a perm. Sometimes I like to play with the little ragamuffin. Other times I’d like to hurl him great distances just to see if he comes back or not.

9. I tried to throw a snowball the other day and discovered I am likely no longer a competent baseball player. And possibly a girl. I took a few steps forward and stomped the evidence into slush.

10. I’m down to 282 lbs which is the lightest I’ve been in this millennium.

11. I’m bored of this exercise already.

12. My new housemates play oldies radio precisely eighteen hours a day. I might have to go back in time and kill every musician in the free world. And then perhaps Hitler if there are enough bullets.

13. Since moving to Hamilton I’ve been in the company of nothing but drunk people. If you know anyone in Hamilton who is sometimes sober please ask them to visit me and warn them that I may need a hug. To any Hamilton Facebook friends who may be reading this - please don’t be insulted. And for fuck sakes, have a coffee or something.

14. I like my new room. The ceiling is low and the walls are that artificial wood panelling that I thought could never happen to me. I pretend that it’s a cabin on a ship and that I am the captain but not Captain Stubing and not a pirate either.

15. While sitting around in my cabin pretending to be a ship captain I have been doing some sipping and I have discovered that I’m becoming rather fond of Irish whiskey and brandy too. I thus will now accept the nicknames Mister Whiskey or Mister Whiskers or even “Whiskey McButtersworth Ching Ching Magoo” or anything you can throw at me, really. I’m not afraid. But don’t be overly vulgar or I’ll have you thrown overboard.

16. I’ve spent more money and more time out of the workplace than I anticipated and I may be sticking around paying off debt a little longer than I originally anticipated. Perhaps eighteen months. India is still on the radar for 2010. Unless of course I make the Olympics. Is there an Olympic poetry team?

17. I play “Masters” lacrosse. “Masters” is a nice way of saying “old men”.

18. I have to pee.

19. I have returned from peeing.

20. I do not have a cell phone and not because of the whole brain cancer thing but because I won’t have you bitches interrupting me every time you feel like it. But I admit it will be cool being one of six remaining earthlings when the rest of you are dead. That’s right. Because brain cancer kills. It’s not like hiccups.

21. Well, maybe it is like hiccups. But it’s like a hiccup where your head falls off.

22. I’ve been in Costa Rica, Trinidad, Ybor City, a boarded-up abandoned school, the World Trade Centre, the press box at A.C.C. and possibly your pants, depending on who you are. And if you’re wondering about that time you were really drunk and passed out - yep. You can count on it.

23. I’ve truly had enough of this.

24. I like every food I can think of except cucumbers but I burn cucumber-scented candles just to live dangerously. I don’t tell upcoming dinner hosts about the cucumber problem because nobody makes a dish with cucumbers where you can’t just pull the cucumbers out. They put them in things like salad which no one likes anyway. I pull them out of the salad and hide them between the host’s couch cushions or in their toilet tank or aquarium.

25. I am a new day rising.

1 comment:

Crushed said...

The peeing ones were TMI...

I have a mobile, but I often it switched off. It's more of a messaging device. I use my landline for outgoing calls, but I don't give the number out to that many people.