Dispatches from the Welland County General Hospital - Day Four

Sometimes We Flirt With Death and Never Know it.

Dr. Kalvorkliancookiebuscuit peeks in on me this morning and I’m alert enough to remember my questions, thanks to the vampire who’d already shaken me awake at 0700 to suck blood from my swiss-cheezified arm. He confirms that ulcer is no longer in the running, diverticulosis is the frontrunner, colon cancer very unlikely and that he would book a colonoscopy for tomorrow morning. Then I might even be released as an outpatient.

I take a deep breath and ask the BIG question: “When will I get to eat and drink again?”

Dr. Kalvorklianpastry looks only slightly stunned. “You can eat and drink all you want.”

“I CAN!”

“Sorry. I forgot to tell them that.”

You forgot… to tell them… that…

“Thank you,” I say, summoning all possible grace. Being a humanitarian of the noblest order, I have allowed him to live.



All the Better to Enhance Your Flavour, My Dear

I’m actually stunned; motionless for the longest time. I can eat! I CAN EAT! Now what do I do?

Order Pizza!

No. It’s nine-thirty in the morning. I grab R2D2 and haul him to the outer door and stand at the threshold eying the nurses’ station right across the hall. Nurse Sunshiny catches my eye and asks how I’m doing.

“I CAN EAT!”

Angels trumpet from above.

“Oh, good for you!” She comes to me.

“Whatever I want!”

“Oh, good! Well, breakfast is done but I can see if there’s anything left over. Do you want some milk? Or juice?”

“I want to know what ALL of my options are. For instance, Are there restaurants that will deliver here?”

A shadow of unease passes over her formerly sunshiny eyes.  “You might not want to get carried away just yet,” she says.

I decide to get straight to the point: “You need to understand something.  I’m about to resort to cannibalism in about thirty minutes.”

“Oh!” She raises her chubby arm before my eyes. “Well, I’m nothing but fat. No meat on me!”



“Know Thyself”

Socrates, I believe.

The hospital cafeteria has not opened yet but the lobby Country Style coffee shop has, so I go down in shoes, jeans, latex gloves and superhero gown. I carry back the jumbo organic coffee and R2D2 carries the chocolate milk, donut, cream cheese bagel and sausage breakfast sandwich all in a plastic bag.

I close both my doors and lose the shoes and jeans. Because you can’t properly enjoy food while wearing pants. And then…

I honestly thought I would savour every bite; every splendid little morsel.

Instead I gobble everything efficiently.

Hmm. So I am just a junky after all; just getting my joyless fix.

Fine then. So I know myself that much better.



All My Extremities are Swollen

Tee-hee…! Ahem…

Not only did I need to remind Dr. Kalvorkliansoupspoon that I was ready for food but I needed to remind him that I need to come off the damn intravenous after a day of too much liquid and salt. My hands and feet are all swollen now. Lovely.