Bleeekxpritzle: The final chapter

Chapter Twenty Two
All Around The Conference Table, Cock-a-Doodle-Doodle-Doo

Sir Admiral Premier Gleeg Bleeekxpritzle, Fifth Colony, Twin Dwingeloo Galaxies Federation sat to the left of the currently unoccupied Big Spiffy Chair. To his left, along the conference table sat his chauffer; Bruce Willis (of no relation to the Hollywood film star whatsoever), Mickey Mouse (genuine film star), Bunny McRascalrabbit (profession undisclosed), Philbert Dickerson (bodyguard) and Pamela Baker (food prep/customer service). Across the table from them sat the five wearers of white they’d met in Detex One of the Tweeporan reconnaissance ship C.H.B. Lurking Vulture along with two more white-robed persons they’d never before seen.

“Welcome to the Office of Light and Wellbeing,” said Lady Mimosa. Her lantern was not present. “I believe we’re all sufficiently acquainted except for my esteemed colleagues here: Lord Tippery Spinwobble; Keeper of the Holy Spectrum, and Lady Noodels Petunia; Director at Large.” There was a general round of nods and how-do-you-do’s. “His Gloriousness The Bean Pheasant is running late. He texted me to say that the line-up at the coffee shop is otherworldly but he’ll be along quite shortly. He’s asked us to begin without him. I trust there are no objections…? Good. Lady Peejchelly, do you wish to present the tokens?”

Lady Peejchelly nodded and removed from her pocket a small red box which sparkled as if made of rubies. “Mr. Willis,” she said. “We are indebted to you for your brave act aboard the Tweeporan ship Lurking Vulture. Without you, we may not have succeeded in extracting the Admiral Premier alive; nor your fellow earthlings, I might add.”

“But I failed,” said Bruce. “All I did was spray a bunch of aliens with ice cream.”

“Ah yes,” said Lady Peejchelly. “Which they found most distractingly delicious! It was the perfect plan. The hull and shields of their material ship could in no way be breached, but thanks to your distraction we were able to slip into their tesseract deck through the fourth dimension, bypassing the hull altogether. We could not have asked for a better partner. Now, to show our appreciation we offer you this token gift.” She handed him the box. “May it always remind you of your brave heroic deed.”

Mr. Willis opened the box and peered inside. He frowned.

“Your very own olde cheerio and pocket lint! Souvenir size of course.”

“Ah,” said Bruce. “Thank you so much. Um. Do they have similar powers as your own have?”

“Nothing of the sort,” said Peejchelly.

“Okay. Well thanks.”

“If he is to always be reminded of this event,” said old Bill Blake, “Then I take it that you do not intend to erase our memories?”

“Perhaps His Gloriousness the Bean Pheasant will wish to speak on that matter personally,” said Lady Mimosa, “But I believe I can summarize our position accurately. How should I say this…”

“They’re all going to laugh at you,” said Admiral Bleeekxpritzle.

“What he means is, no one would believe you even if you told people about us or about the other - ah - constituents of the universe which the Admiral, as I’m aware, has previously explained.”

“If I may interject,” said the gray-faced Lord Tippery Spinwobble, “The story has already been leaked to some entity known as Fantasy Writer Guy or else New Day Rising - he’s a schizophrenic I presume. Anyway, it’s being posted on his web log as we speak and there are no plans to act against him. He’s largely ignored and regarded as a freak by his three or four regular readers.”

“So that suits our interests,” said Lady Peejchelly, nodding. “The whole matter has already been categorized a satirical entertainment.”

“As does every religious event on this planet, eventually,” came a voice from the open doorway. “Though it once required the passing of one civilization to the next for such perspectives to migrate.” The speaker resembled a very large brown bean, or football perhaps, with wide, very narrow eyes, puffy sensuous lips, a massive upright colourful fanning tail and long long crane-like pencil-thin legs. He held a paper coffee cup in both spindly little hands, standing barely five feet high or almost six including the tail. “But such is the marvel of your age; the age of the internet; a whirl of recklessness and speed.” The beast raised high a skinny knee and stepped onto the Big Spiffy Chair where it then crouched at general eye-level to the others. He placed the coffee on the table. “Any other questions?”

“Ladies and gentlemen,” said Lady Mimosa, “I present His Gloriousness The Bean Pheasant.”

“Charmed,” said Bunny.

The Bean said nothing but appeared to wink one of his slim brown eyes. Mickey Mouse frowned and looked back and forth between he and Bunny.

“I have a question,“ said Philbert. “I would like to know just what we’re supposed to do now. I mean - how am I supposed to go back to my life now, knowing that on a universal scale, we’re the objects of disgust; respected slightly less than dolphins?”

“Slightly?” barked Lady Noodels Petunia. She burst out laughing but checked it as she realized everyone was staring at her. She cleared her throat. “Sorry.”

“What you can do,” said the Bean Pheasant, “Is evolve.”

“Oh. Okay then. I’ll just put that on my to-do list. Evolve. I can fit that in Wednesday morning. There we go.”

“You can lead by example,” said Lady Peejchelly. “Evolution happens, or doesn’t happen, with every single thought and action. You just have to be mindful.”

“I wouldn’t even know where to start,” said Pamela.

“It starts with humility and courage,” said Miss Zhadow.

“That’s right,” said Lady Mimosa. “You must realize that all that you think you know comes from corrupt and untrustworthy sources; the ruling institutions which seek to enslave you, the flawed and misguided imaginings of your neighbours and associates.”

“Your own instincts,” said His Gloriousness.  “Your own mind.” The earthlings looked to him. “You must stop listening to your mind, and start informing it, but not from books and talking boxes. From your own contemplation of your own observations. You must discover the meaning of truth. It comes only from experience. Stop rationalizing. Stop looking for the answers you want to find. You will always seem to find them. Dare to sincerely want the truth, no matter how unsavoury. It really does set you free. And what seems a horror at first, will become benign when you finally approach it from the proper perspective.”

“I don’t like the sound of this one bit,” squeaked Mickey Mouse.

“No, you wouldn’t, would you?” said Lady Mimosa. “You are just another institution; a pop culture icon. A profit algorithm. You are not a voice of truth.”

“I’m the voice of goodbye and so long,” said Mr. Mouse, climbing down from his chair.

“That’s good,” said The Bean Pheasant. “You really have no place in this story.”

“I beg your pardon! My chauffer was killed for crying out loud!”

“I expect that will be edited out of the story, along with every other reference to you. Especially the elevator fart scene. That was crass and regrettable.”

“Hey! I’m Mickey Mouse! I own this town! I don’t have to take this shit! ”

“You’re a mouse. You are not significant. You have no consciousness. You’re no more than a robot.”

“Come on. We’re going.”

“I’m staying,” said Bunny.

“What! You’re not getting taken in by this crap!”

“Goodbye Mick. It‘s been fun.”

Mickey nodded, his arms crossed. “I’m going back to my wife!”

Bunny turned to face him. “I think that’s a good idea,” she said gently.

Mickey stared back. “Philbert,” he said finally.

“It’s been a slice,” said Philbert.

“I beg your pardon?”

“Best of luck,” said Philbert. “You already have my resignation.”

“Right,” muttered Mickey. “I’m out.”

“Live long and prosper,” said Bleeekxpritzle as the mouse departed.

“So the seeking of truth is the path to evolution?” said Philbert.

“For most sentient life, it is the start,” said Lady Mimosa. The blind and treacherous motivations of your dark mind; your instinct, are just variations of the will to kill. They become suicidal when there are no more species to challenge your dominance. That is when consciousness must replace instinct as the driver of motivation. On earth you have waited far far too long to make this shift. Your evolution stalled two thousand years ago.”

“It is the truth of yourself that will set you free when you come to know it,” said the Bean. “When you truly know yourself, and not the puppet that takes your place in the charade of society, well then,” he paused, “Then you can not help but change. You can not help but want to change. You gain the opportunity to start again, to discover your new self. For the puppet dies. And now - I believe that is enough instruction.”

“That is how you start,” said Lady Mimosa. “What you will learn; the realities behind all the illusions, that we leave for you to discover.”

“How long will it take to change the world?” said Mr. Willis.

“The world changes every moment,” said The Bean Pheasant. “Every single moment.”