Saturday, October 10, 2015

Am I detectable?

The thing about being mostly asleep following years of habitual wakefulness is -– it’s not obvious to me. I’m still affected by all the perceptions which changed through wakefulness. So the new sleepy experience does not resemble the old sleepy experience.

All the illusions of ego that I learned to see through – not just academically but intrinsically – leave me feeling rather permanently powerful and confident and loving and thankful: So even when my ego reasserts itself and I am insulted or impatient or unforgiving, these feelings are dulled because I have learned not to trust them. And just experiencing them usually serves to wake me up again. Thus they occur only briefly.

The tricky consideration is this: When I go about habitually feeling a (detached and unthreatening) sense of isolation or loneliness because I interpret that no one around me is like me; does not view the major components of our living experience in the same light as I, I must consider the obvious logic: If someone were just like me then she or he would be sleeping much of the time they are around me and thus I would dismiss them. If I came upon myself would I recognize myself as a person of wakefulness? Probably not! I would have to witness someone exhibiting sustained wakefulness – or rather – a sustained absence of illusion-seeded behavior.

Or would two partially wakeful people naturally bring it out in each other?

Assuming otherwise, no one is going to potentially spot that quality in me unless I make it a priority to stay awake all the time. So why do I never seem to care about that? Why do I never make it a priority to attempt to remain permanently awake? Why does it generally feel to me like that need not be a priority? Am I simply incapable? Is the idea an instinctively unattractive one? Is it just the ego asserting itself; its last stand? Is there an unacknowledged fear? Perhaps that sustained wakefulness would leave me too incompatible with this culture and that I would have to emigrate, and thus be far from loved ones? Surely that is not a reasonable fear if sustained wakefulness will generate sustained non-directional love as I confidently predict it will. I believe I have experienced fragments of that process. But of course the directional love area is not one of my best areas in terms of conscious evolution. That and the food instinct have been the least affected. Food, not at all, I might judge!

My head does not want to wrap itself around these questions. I seem to know that I should be capable of figuring this out but I seem to not want to, for reasons my mind wishes not to reveal to me.

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