Front Page News

Top headlines from Monday’s Scooterville Speculator:

(These are the accurate front page headlines from today’s paper with genuine copy below, but severely abridged and with generous poetic license...)

Christine Elliott concedes leadership to Ford

“I’m worried about Kathleen Wynne, not Christine right now,” Ford told reporters. “We’re going to defeat Kathleen Wynne and bring extra special elite prosperity “back” to extra special elite master citizens of Ontario at the lethal expense of the planet and the human race, and do it with just a teeny tiny bit more transparency then the way those extra-sneaky wolf-in-granny’s-clothing Liberals do it! Because it’s funnier and more insulting that way! Ha ha ha ha ha!”

“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa…!”

“MUAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!”

Auto body shop scams doubled repair costs

TORONTO -- Workers at auto body shops deliberately damaged cars, installed used parts but billed for new ones, invoiced for phantom repairs etc., according to an investigation by a Canadian insurer that is calling on government to help curb the problem.

Says every garage owner and mechanic everywhere: “Hey! I don’t scam customers any more than every other garage scams everybody. Why pick on me all of a sudden? That’s not fair. You’re just like all these damn women who let their husbands batter them for years and then all of a sudden complain! What the hell? If you’re going to get the everliving shit beat out of you for years and years then you have sort of given permission, haven’t you? And why should the government help you? They invented the racket of cheating everyone everyday in order to get stupidly rich!”

Hamilton ‘angel’ set to donate kidney to stranger

Christi Nolan of Hamilton is rather modest about giving a kidney to Toronto woman Jennen Johnson. Rather than draw sarcastic parallels to Hamilton’s reputation for taking care of most of the GTA’s migratory needy in terms of social services for decades, let’s just say… Christi, you’re awesome, and one hell of a legitimate human being within a culture of greed and fakery!

For the Love of Locke

Deanna Edmondson hands out hot chocolate from Goodness Me during Love Locke Day Saturday, as neighbours gathered in support of the street’s businesses following last weekend’s vandalism spree. Says landlords and tax-hungry local government officials: Unfortunately we don’t recognize Love Locke Day. Over-regulation and quadruple rent rates shall remain in place, thank you very much! We need to drive up property values and prices and bolster the coffers that are needed for corporate subsidies! And don’t worry. There are no victims from this system. The perpetrators were not victims, just random scary vandal monsters with no reason to be angry. That’s right. No victims here. Move along people. Go show a little love to the big box stores!”