Saturday, December 15, 2018

A New Dope Part 1 of 8


Episode IV: A NEW DOPE

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away…

It is a period of civil war. Rebels, championing pot legalization, striking with their space ships from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the stodgy conservative evil Galactic Empire.

During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire’s ultimate weapon, the GREAT BOWLING BALL IN THE SKY, an armoured space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet, and storage for more than six billion pairs of rental shoes.

Pursued by the Empire’s sinister agents, Princess Louise races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her homies and restore freedom to the pot smokers of the galaxy…


Once upon a time there was an orphan named Fluke Flyswatter who lived with his Auntie Jane and Uncle Billium on a water farm in the middle of a sandy desert on a sandy planet called Tooneyland.

One day Fluke and his uncle were sweating under the hot twin suns of their star system, planting ice cubes which would grow into water plants, completely unaware of specific goings on in the astral plains beyond the bright Tooneyland atmosphere.

“Uncle Billium,” said Fluke, “I was thinking that after this season’s crop is planted I will move on and get a gig saving the pot rebellion from the evil clutches of Lord Gaydar and his imperial cohorts; you know what I mean?”

“Give me a damn break, Fluke. Who do you think you are?”

“Um…. the son of a Jade Eye warrior? A famous one?”

“Get your head out of the stars, sand baby. Of course not.”


“No butts.”

“But you told me yourself!”

“No I didn’t.”

“Um. Yeah you did!”

“Okay maybe I did.”

“Yeah so I want to go to Jade Eye School.”

“I need you here. Nice try.”

“I’ll find you some nice robots to take my place. You won’t miss me.”

“Well, we could use some good robots. But regardless you’re not going anywhere. EVER! Now pass me some ice cubes.”

MEANWHILE… up in the astral fields of the Tooneyland dual star system a little diplomatic entourage was flying by in their Mach One Seven Blade Aeroship called the Peekin’ Pecan. On board a princess by the name of Princess Louise reclined on her space divan nibbling from a bag of Digibles brand candied spleens, the very best candied spleens in the galaxy.

WHEN SUDDENLY… she ate another candied spleen.

THEN SUDDENLY… there came a knock on her space door.

“Enter,” she said commandingly.

A man in a funny hat entered as commanded and said to her, “Princess, I have bad news. The imperial patrol ship Rebel Destroyer has issued a final warning that we shall be boarded at once, whether willingly or against our will and they will probably shoot a few people in the process and-”

“No thanks.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“I don’t want any bad news. Thanks anyway.”


“Do you want a candied spleen?”

“Uh - no thanks,” said the man in the funny hat. “I like my spleen the way it is.”

“Well take a hike then,” said the princess.

“Yes, Your Sweetness,” said the man, and he departed.

“Bozo,” muttered Louise. She popped another candy into her mouth as the explosion sounded down the hall and her space divan shuddered.


A hatch exploded inward and The Men in White poured in. The first imperial stormpooper through the hatch got blasted by a dozen rebel fighters and collapsed to the floor. “I hate being the first stormpooper through the wall. I always get blasted to death,” he muttered and promptly died. The next stormpoopers stomped all over his white hardshell poop suit shooting back at the rebels, some of whom died at once, their funny hats falling off and rolling around the hallway like spinning tops.

A few more stormpoopers were injured and more rebels died before surrendering. The men were stripped of their guns and handcuffed by the imperial invaders as a new presence appeared in the blown hatch. The man was tall and dark but not very handsome. He wore a black chihuahua mask, a black Nazi helmet, black gloves, black boots, a black cape and a black body suit with flashing chest-mounted control panel and a flashy pink belt with white fanny pack. Lord Gaydar breathed heavily through the dog mask as he approached a terrified handcuffed rebel. “Where… are… the stolen plans?” he asked huffingly.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” gurgled the rebel as the dark man grabbed him by the neck.

“I will ask you one more time -” but the rebel’s body went limp as his life drained out of him. “Pussy,” said Lord Gaydar, flinging the corpse aside. He slowly turned and pondered the cosmos. “Take me to the netherquarters,” he huffed menacingly.


Princess Louise pulled the little banking robot RBC by it’s hose down the corridor to the dispatchery hatch #2 and bent down before it. She pushed the record button and spoke: “Opie Wan Can, you are my only hope. I have stuffed this little vacuum cleaner-slash-banking robot full of crack and the imperial Bowling Ball plans. I have fallen into the clutches of imperial authorities. You need to get this data to Admiral Fish Sticks so he can plan an attack. Please Mr. Can Can. You are our only hope. Did I say that already?”

“Yes you did, princess,” came the deep menacing voice of the Dark Gaydar. She turned to see him standing at the end of the short hallway, feet askance, black gloved hands on his hips where his pink belt gleamed. Stormpoopers stood at his sides leveling blasters at the princess. “Now hand over the robots.”

“I’m sorry,” said Louise. They have urgent financial business to attend.” She punched the red Easy button on the wall and the dispatchery hatch flew open generating an immediate whirlwind. The machine RBC was instantly sucked out the hatch along with a gleaming gold robot named CIBC who muttered, “Oh my stars! I was expecting tea and biscuits, not getting dispatched into the void of space! Oh dear me!”

The hatched slammed shut again.

“Dammit,” wheezed Gaydar.

(To be continued tomorrow... if you can stand it...)

No comments: