Thursday, December 20, 2018

A New Dope Part 6 of 8


 “Excuse me,” said the apparent stormpooper to the tall stormpooper as they came masked-face to masked-face in the slick indirect-lighted hallway.

“Yes?” said the tall stormpooper as he eyed the handcuffed wookie nervously, and with just a glance at the short stormpooper who rounded out the party of three.

“We’re transferring this prisoner to detention level three but I’m kind of new here and I’ve lost my way. Can you tell me how to get to detention level three?”

“Oh. Yeah sure. Um. Turn around. Um. You know what? I’m going that way. Follow me. He then carried on down the hallway while the trio turned and followed him.

MEANWHILE IN THE GREAT INTERNAL BOWLING BALL COLUMN… Opie Wan Kablooey Tin Can Toucan Soupman Can Can Wan Can the Second (and also the first) slipped carefully, quietly and gracefully along a narrow bridge toward a large black Undulation Regulator Fixture on a central pedestal. The drop below fell away for what seemed like a mile.

Ben raised his eyebrows, mouthed a silent whistle and went forth. He edged his way to the great device and pushed a few buttons upon it and then drew down a large lever. Rows of red lights greeted this manoeuvre with a constant synchronized flashing. But it was a silent flashing and one that no other persons were around to see.

MEANWHILE IN ANOTHER HALLWAY… RBC carried on, rolling along the dark shiny floor while CIBC scampered along behind him.

“Where in the blazes are you two going!” said the red-striped BMO model steamdroid who spied them from a tertiary hallway and rushed out to meet them.

“None of your beeswax,” said CIBC haughtily.

“Of course it is my business,” snapped BMO. “I’m the executive robot coordinator of the week! I am in charge of all robot scheduling and my database reveals no reason for you to be here!”

“We’re fetching tea and crumpets for Sgt. Goosestep. It’s an unscheduled task. He’s unexpectedly peckish today.”

“Well this is highly irregular.”

“As is Sargent Goosestep. He's hoping a good cup of tea will loosen his bowels. And for the record, we were not instructed to pause in our mission to jabber with the likes of you!”

“Oh piss off,” said BMO spinning about and rolling swiftly away.

The mechanical duo carried on with CIBC hissing at his dwarven steampunk companion. “You are going to get us in SO much trouble! We must return to the Aluminum Fulcrum at once!”

RBC buzzed and honked and tweeted.

“Don’t you talk to me like that. I just might go back myself then and when Master Fluke inquires I’ll say you flipped your lid and joined the Imperial forces! Yes, see if I don’t!”

But he continued to follow RBC.

MEANWHILE IN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT NEARBY… an Imperial Gopher in brown jumpsuit was leaning against his trash bin picking his nose and eating it.

MEANWHILE IN ANOTHER ELEVATOR SHAFT NEARBY… Fluke, Hand, Chewie and the tall stormpooper were humming along downward toward level D.

“You need to display your pass on level D,” said the tall Pooper whose name was Fritzopholes.

“Okay, thanks for all your help,” said Solo. “We’re good from here. Don’t let us take up any more of your time.”

“No problem,” said Fritz. “Out of the elevator I’m going right, but you go left and you can’t miss the detention block.

“Thanks again.”

“But seriously, you need to display your passes right now. It’s a high level security level. You are authorized right? You have the proper clearance?”

“Of course,” said Solo. “Prisoner relocation is mostly what we do.”

“So what are you waiting for?”


Technically I should not have directed us to this level without seeing your ID cards. I need to see them now please.”

“Right. I get it,” said Solo. He reached down into his holster, raised his blaster pistol and shot Fritzopholes right in the brain. Fluke yanked off his Pooper mask and stared in horror at the bloody mess. Dripping, spattered brain matter hung everywhere.

“Jesus, Hand!”

“Boring conversation anyway,” said Solo with a wink at his companions. Chewy just shook his big shaggy head sadly. “Put your mask on kid.”

Fluke did so, muttering, “What the hell are we gonna do with this mess?”

Solo pulled out a pretty purple patrol pad from the pooper’s pants pocket and a pen too. He tore off a page and scribbled a note. He yanked the blaster from the corpse’s holster and arranged it in the pooper’s cold dead hand which he moved up to the body’s shoulder so that the blaster pointed at the corpse’s own head. He dropped the note onto the floor. It read:

I can’t take it any more. I can’t live with myself. I can’t stand being a tool of this evil empire. P.S. Lord Gaydar Is a fag and he raped me.

Solo pondered this. Then picked up the note again and added to the end: when I was seven.

The elevator door opened and the threesome quickly stepped out and made their way leftward down the hall unseen.


“You there!” came an angry voice from behind the two robots. “You there: halt at once!”

“Oh my stars! muttered CIBC. We’re doomed! We’re screwed!” RBC made a sudden turn and a hatch opened before him which CIBC followed him through. “Hey!” came the stern voice. The hatch shut behind them. They found themselves alone in an octagonal control room full of buttons and screens. RBC immediately plugged his phallic doohickey into a matching port and gave it a spin. The hatch at once locked tight.

“Well here’s another fine mess you’ve gotten us into,” said CIBC.

RBC continued to twirl the connection port as he scanned information.

CIBC looked around the room. “Do you think there’s enough room in here to practice?”

RBC whistled in the affirmative and unplugged as CIBC began removing his feet.

MEANWHILE ON DETENTION LEVEL D BLOCK… Solo pressed the doorbell repeatedly and banged his fist on the door.

A voice came over the little speaker box. “If you can’t scan your pass then you need to say the secret password!”

“Look pal,” said Solo, “I’m new here and there’s a problem with my card and nobody gave me the password. I can’t go dicking around with admin right now because I’ve got the wookie of the year in handcuffs and as soon as he realizes he’s strong enough to break out of them we’re all as fucked as fuck!”

There was no immediate response but they could just barely hear a conversation going on inside the room. Should I let him in…? He said it…? Yeah it might have been by accident but it’s the password. The procedures don’t dictate that I use any particular judgement… He said it, didn’t he?

“Fuck?” said Solo into the box. “I think the password is fuck.”

“No it’s not.”

“Dicking? Wait, sorry. No. Ah… Strong?”

“Handcuffs,” Fluke suggested.

“Wait. I remember now!” said Solo. “The password is handcuffs!”

“Handcuffs or just hand?”

Solo looked at Fluke unbelievingly. “Hand!”

“Thank you. You may enter.”

“I should have just introduced myself from the beginning!” he whispered to Fluke. The door opened with a gentle buzz and the party walked in. Chewy cast aside the handcuffs which at this point were not locked and the three intruders began firing away with their blasters at everything that moved.

Within seconds every soldier in the detention control room lay bleeding on the floor; either dead or swiftly dying.

“Aren’t you going to say boring conversation anyway?” said Fluke to Hand Solo.

“What?” said Solo.

“Never mind.”

Solo and Fluke approached a big computer screen. “How do we find out which cell she’s in?” said Solo. Chewie meanwhile strode furrily around the room, taking weapons and wallets away from the dead and dying.

“Ask the computer?” Fluke suggested.

“I don’t know how to interface with it,” said Solo. “Computer!” he said, and received no reply.

The phone suddenly rang.

“We should answer it,” said Fluke.

“Hell, no.” said Solo.

It rang again. Fluke picked it up and brought the handset to his ear. “Hello?” he said. He paused, listening. “Hey, do you know what cell Princess Louise is in?” Solo shook his head in disapproval. “Oh, okay,” said Fluke. Then he handed the phone to Solo. “It’s for you.”

Solo’s jaw dropped as he stared at Fluke, taking the phone into his hand. “Hello?” He frowned angrily at Fluke, shaking his head. “No. Negative,” he spoke into the phone. “Everything’s fine here. Yeah, we had some fireworks so to speak. Flash fire. It’s all fine now. No, no. Don’t do that. Just stay put for now. We’ll get back to you shortly. Yeah. No. Technical malfunction. Radiation loop... Land shark... Ah… crossed wires... Girl Guides... No no no. Containment issues. Yeah ah… and the door is stuck. We’ll need a couple hours. We’re all good here. Everyone good…? Yeah, everyone says they’re good. How are you? How’s that thing you were seeing the doctor about? Oh. Oh my. That’s embarrassing. Well I better go now. No, just stay put until you hear back- what? My password? Handcuffs. No - hand! What? Oh the other pass code? Hang on, I gotta look it up.” Solo pointed his blaster at the telephone.

“Don’t do that,” said Fluke.

Solo pulled the trigger and the phone exploded into fiery bits.

Fluke sighed. “Boring conversation?”

“No, it was quite tense actually.” said Solo. “We’re gonna have company by the way.”

“I round ra rincess!” Chewingtobacca suddenly yelped. They looked down the long dark hexagonal tunnel where the wookie stood pointing at a cell door. The men swiftly joined him and peered through the tiny window at the very attractive princess Louise; one of perhaps three to four women in the entire galaxy.

“Wow, she’s beautiful!” said Fluke. “I’d totally do her.”

“For sure,” said Solo. “I’d even do her if she was my sister.”

“Ew, gross,” said Fluke.

Chewie pushed and pulled on the door to no avail.

“You got a key or something?” asked Fluke.

“Stand aside, kid,” said Solo. He raised his blaster pistol.

“Oh shit,” said Fluke, taking a step backward.

“Ruh roh,” said Chewie, following suit, as his master fired two blasts at the door. Sparks flew and a cloud of acrid smoke billowed.

Solo transferred his weight to his back foot, then canted forward kicking high. The cell door burst forward into the cell. Louise screamed. “Howdy princess,” said Solo, stepping into the little chamber and lifting off his helmet. Louise did not look impressed. Flyswatter crowded in beside him, catching Louise’s attention. The tall wookie peered in over their shoulders.

“What the hell is all this knee-bent shenanigans?” said Louise. “You bozos ever heard of a key?”

“We’re here to rescue you, Sugar,” said Solo, flashing his winningest smile.

“Oh that’s rich,” said Louise. “You two don’t look capable of rescuing a donut from a man with no mouth.”

“What?” said Solo.

“What?” said Fluke, pulling off his stormpooper mask.

“You’re kinda cute though.”

“Who, him?” said Solo, frowning.

“You understand we’re floating in space in a giant bowling ball, don’t you?” said Louise.

“Yes, of course,” said Fluke.

“Wait, you mean him or me?” said Solo.

“All of us, you idiot. You got a plan to get us out of here?” said Louise.

“No,’ said Fluke.

‘Jesus H. Christ,” said Louise.

“I don’t understand,” said Solo.

“Are you mentally impaired?” barked Louise at Hand Solo. How the hell do you figure we’re gonna get out of here?”

“You mean I’m cute? Or the kid here?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“He’s just a teenager. I’m a pilot and a famous one. You’ve heard of the Aluminum Fulcrum no doubt.”

“Is he mentally impaired?” said Louise to Fluke.

“He’s got a ship,” said Fluke. “It’s here on board. We should get back to it immediately.”

“Okay that’s starting to sound like a plan. You got a gun for me?”

“There’s a few kicking around,” said Fluke.

“Okay, let’s blow.”

“Whoa! What?” said Solo.

Louise tore the blaster out of Solo’s hands and bulled her way past them all and out of the cell. “Oh shit!” she cried as a wave of laser fire greeted her in the long dark hallway. Fluke quickly donned his Pooper helmet again. “Follow me, you fools!” Louise cried and bolted down the hallway. Her three rescuers rushed out in the hall where laser blasts crashed the walls all around them. Solo tore ass after the princess while Fluke turned and fired back at the poopers in the control area.

“Go away!” cried Fluke at the attackers, “or I’ll set you on fire! I've done it before!” Chewie rushed by, grabbed Fluke by the collar and dragged him away after Solo and Louise.

Louise dived into an alcove and the others followed. For the moment they were there protected from blaster fire.

“Now what!” cried Solo.

“Now what?” barked Louise. “This cocamame rescue was your idea, bozo, not mine! If you don’t have a plan then we’re making it up as we go along, aren’t we? Yeah! So shut up and follow me!” With that she raised her blaster at the door at the back of the alcove and blasted it to pieces. A herd of racing bootsteps sounded in the hall. Louise dived through the door and the others followed.

(To be continued tomorrow… if you can stand it…)

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