Why 2019 will be a great year...

… or else disastrous. I’m fairly sure it will be one or the other.

Here’s 2018 at a glance:

• celebrated somewhere between ten and fifteen good night’s sleeps
• was tired and/or dazed almost every waking-ish moment.
• made about a dozen good decisions and at least ten thousand noticeably bad ones.
• got fatter, pushing the limits of available affordable clothing. Even the shockingly outrageously expensive fat guy stores are growing a little doubtful when I squeeze through their door.

• I much enjoyed the constant servicing of my first undoubtedly real addiction - every single day as far as I recall, which, by the way, I imagined that I could actually give up any semblance of a healthy life in exchange for. Yes, I could actually imagine (not desire but imagine) giving up all my creative projects (roughly 150 active projects on file!), plus all my goals plus all my friends in exchange for a life immersed in my addiction, and this without any sense of alarm at all. This strikes me as a useful test by the way: if this can be imagined without alarm. This thing is not a secret by the way but I wish to reveal it in a more useful way than this, and soon. For now, I seek brevity.
• My mobility has reduced drastically and my volume of employment and financial functionality likewise.
• I have been entirely scattered in my pursuits and badly unproductive. I started many new projects and finished a couple. 
• I have made little net progress taking back my bedroom from the storage room it ruthlessly evolved into.
• I have been almost entirely unmindful; unconscious; instinctive; spiritually asleep.
• I have been mostly without pity and with feelings closer to contempt or disdain for these creatures of society who surround and resemble me so much.
• I have let many close personal relationships suffer, and felt unwisely grieved over some which I covet too dearly.
• I have also made valuable, unlikely new friendships.
• Somewhat surprisingly this year I have received more support, and commitment to keeping me working - at sites I can handle - from my employer. The prospects look good for 2019 if I can keep my mobility from slipping further.

Causality is so profoundly simple in nature but so uncontainably complex in its networks that we imagine it to be something other than what it is, so as to indulge in vain fantasies of the why and the blame… but I can trace some generalities: Lack of sleep and lack of mindfulness both hover near the centre of this great mess, like two galaxies converging into chaos, and I am finally at the point where I can more than just identify the most useful initial battlefields should I take an interest in living again, before (in some ways) it is too late. I am at the point, very recently, where I imagine the addiction contained in its place and imagine the specific tinkerings of a comprehensively healthy life, and it all looks and feels good to me. Not just that the rewards look good to me but the path looks good to me. It looks difficult and doable and satisfying. If I was prone to that thing called hope it would be applicable here.

Something really seems to be happening to me now, and I aim to share it here, for I have felt for some time that the real purpose of this blog, should it ever mature, is to document my struggle; that which regards my inner purpose. Though I intend to go on sharing my outer purpose amusements as well. I expect 2019 to be a busy year for us, dear blog. I dare to intend to visit daily.

Okay… five times a week?