Five super-shocking unexpected facts!

So I push the unlock button on my key fob but I don’t hear any faint clicking in response. Usually this means I’ve absent-mindedly tried to use it on the front door of the house instead of on my car but not this time. This time I did in fact point it at the relevant target and the car door opened when I tried, so it must have worked but quietly so. Right?

Wrong. I almost started cluing in when I tried to squeeze my ass into the driver’s seat and it wouldn’t fit.

I discovered that the driver seat had been moved all the way forward. This is odd because it’s an electronic control. I fingered the button to try to correct it while wondering what sort of electrical weirdness could possibly have caused this to happen on its own.

A while back I gave Long Time Companion a boost and he crossed the terminal connections. Since then the beast has suffered a bevy of off-and-on electrical glitches including lights not working for various durations.

The button wasn’t making the seat move so I tried putting the key into the ignition to access battery power but lo and behold - I had no ignition cylinder any more. It was missing, and being the eagle-eyed Sherlock Holmes that I am, I was finally starting to suspect foul play.

It seemed none of my paltry possessions were missing nor were there signs of forced entry, however it’s a very easy car to jimmy; I know. Apparently though, it might not be the easiest model to successfully hot wire. Or maybe this particular thief was a special brand of idiot. Or maybe LTC’s electrical bamboozlement had inadvertently thrown a monkey wrench into the beast’s stealability and he actually did me a favour!

And now as a public service I present:

THE TOP 5 SUPER-SHOCKING UNEXPECTED FACTS CAR THIEVES SHOULD KNOW!

ONE: The most ancient jalopies on the street are generally the least valuable cars on the street. This will negatively affect your profit.

TWO: Due to some peculiar as-yet-understood phenomena, there is evidence of a firm link between personal income and personal purchasing power, which fairly reliably results in fact number three:

THREE: The oldest car on the street is likely owned by the poorest dude on the street.

FOUR: Poor dudes do not make the gamble of buying insurance premiums against theft or vandalism because: A) they are least able to afford it and: B) they don’t expect thieves to target the least valuable car on the street. This is for much the same reason you don’t expect a shoplifter to infiltrate a liquor store for the purpose of pocketing a ten-dollar bottle of Alcool.

and finally FIVE: When you steal or vandalize the oldest jalopy on the street you are generally doing the worst possible damage to the victims who have the least capacity to cope with it, and will suffer the most. In other words, you’re not Robin Hood. You’re kind of the opposite of Robin Hood. You’re basically just a horrible person. Thanks for everything.