Monday, April 28, 2008

Hello friends

I guess I’ve been absent a while, eh?

I’ve had plenty bloggable ideas. I was going to post a notice that it was safe to take the gun away (from his “cold dead hands”) now that old Charlton got his wish and passed on to the Happy Hunting Grounds. Maybe it’s better I didn’t. A joke couldn’t be more obvious, eh? It’s probably been done on every late-night TV show by now.

I haven’t been very motivated lately.

The day job has been more challenging with the sudden departure of an associate and the portion of his work falling back to me until someone new is hired. I’ve barely been pulling my weight with regards to the media company. Attendance with the writing group – very weak. And I haven’t updated their web site in forever. Lacrosse season is back so that’s one night a week eaten up until late August. At least it’s valuable exercise. Haven’t been going to the gym. The writing’s been sketchy. Been pushing out words but not at the rate the ideas come so that deficit still grows. I’m sleeping terribly. Strat-o-matic is the only thing I’ve kept up with and it’s surely the least important thing going on in my life. Been reading plenty and watching too many movies and doing a whole lot of thinking and dreaming. And I’ve ignored you, my excellent blog friends, though I think of many of you often.

The further I get behind the less motivated I am to do something about it. That’s always been the way with me.

It’s more than that, though. I’ve been restless and growing more so all the time. At my performance review last week I told my boss I feel like an imposter there and I don’t know how long I can continue to work there. Great career move, eh?

I’m still very happy by normal standards. Don’t for a second feel bad for me. I still enjoy much peace and sense much freedom. But I know I must make changes soon. This life formula isn’t working. Not at all. So much of what I do feels like a great waste of time. But at the same time everything I do involves good people – friends I can’t bear to pick and choose between.

I know what brings me joy. I know very well. A full time career does not. Financial security does not. Owning a truck doesn’t. This furniture, these possessions – I don’t want any of it anymore. I really don’t. I’m changing all the time. I keep evolving. Where does it end?

I want to just quit the day job and work part time and write for money – even if it’s a struggle.

I want to trade the truck for a van and travel across the country. See my relatives in BC and California. Maybe stay there.

I want to go to some piss-poor nation and do some kind of missionary work or something.

Sometimes I want to just walk out the door and leave everything behind. Live off of hand-outs in exchange for showing people the way! “Peace and love, brother! Your life is an illusion! Let me rescue you from this slavery in exchange for a hot dog and a night’s rest on your couch!” Yeah, that’s bound to work out well, eh?

Do you think I’m crazy?

Freedom! I know I got it. In my head, no question. But on the ground – on the ground - I’m not doing anything with it.

Something has to change. I can’t keep playing it safe and getting nothing done. There’s a big fat world out there and it needs some shaking up, dammit.

6 comments:

Claudia said...

whatever you do, maybe think of the comforts of life, like toilet paper.

If you EVER DO make your way to BC, know you have a friend here.

And I wish you peace.

Kathleen said...

I totally understand. I was on vacation for nearly two weeks and the thought of catching up on everybody's blogs and writing my own entry was just enervating! Besides, I'm stupid busy at work - which is a good thing, really.

When I first moved to SF, I got this job at a consulting firm (the job I had for the nearly four years I was there) and within weeks I remember feeling like what I was doing was worthless (still how I feel about consulting firms). Anyway, I had to open a stack of surveys one day and went to the mailroom to do it and said that I wanted to build ships. I wanted to do something that had tangible results, even if it was just ditch digging.

I think going to a piss-poor nation and doing missionary work is admirable (as long as you're not trying to save their souls - a practice I abhor - leave them alone they have their own religion, they don't need yours).

Babs said...

I feel exactly the same way. Maybe it's an age thing? Something definitely needs to start shaking.

Fantasy Writer Guy said...

Supermom - Thank you. That's wonderful to hear.

Kats - 'Missionary' work is probably the wrong label. I have no interest in selling religon. Just helping people in tangible ways.

Babs - The world is full of possibility. We need to be brave, lest our lives slip by without meaning!

Kathleen said...

FWIG - I kind of figured that's what you meant, but the term is used so often in conjunction with religion. I used to want to join the peace corp.

Automattic said...

I think that moving to BC is a splendid idea... Come join us on the left coast, where the climate is mild, the land is green, and the heroin is free!