Hello friends

I guess I’ve been absent a while, eh?

I’ve had plenty bloggable ideas. I was going to post a notice that it was safe to take the gun away (from his “cold dead hands”) now that old Charlton got his wish and passed on to the Happy Hunting Grounds. Maybe it’s better I didn’t. A joke couldn’t be more obvious, eh? It’s probably been done on every late-night TV show by now.

I haven’t been very motivated lately.

The day job has been more challenging with the sudden departure of an associate and the portion of his work falling back to me until someone new is hired. I’ve barely been pulling my weight with regards to the media company. Attendance with the writing group – very weak. And I haven’t updated their web site in forever. Lacrosse season is back so that’s one night a week eaten up until late August. At least it’s valuable exercise. Haven’t been going to the gym. The writing’s been sketchy. Been pushing out words but not at the rate the ideas come so that deficit still grows. I’m sleeping terribly. Strat-o-matic is the only thing I’ve kept up with and it’s surely the least important thing going on in my life. Been reading plenty and watching too many movies and doing a whole lot of thinking and dreaming. And I’ve ignored you, my excellent blog friends, though I think of many of you often.

The further I get behind the less motivated I am to do something about it. That’s always been the way with me.

It’s more than that, though. I’ve been restless and growing more so all the time. At my performance review last week I told my boss I feel like an imposter there and I don’t know how long I can continue to work there. Great career move, eh?

I’m still very happy by normal standards. Don’t for a second feel bad for me. I still enjoy much peace and sense much freedom. But I know I must make changes soon. This life formula isn’t working. Not at all. So much of what I do feels like a great waste of time. But at the same time everything I do involves good people – friends I can’t bear to pick and choose between.

I know what brings me joy. I know very well. A full time career does not. Financial security does not. Owning a truck doesn’t. This furniture, these possessions – I don’t want any of it anymore. I really don’t. I’m changing all the time. I keep evolving. Where does it end?

I want to just quit the day job and work part time and write for money – even if it’s a struggle.

I want to trade the truck for a van and travel across the country. See my relatives in BC and California. Maybe stay there.

I want to go to some piss-poor nation and do some kind of missionary work or something.

Sometimes I want to just walk out the door and leave everything behind. Live off of hand-outs in exchange for showing people the way! “Peace and love, brother! Your life is an illusion! Let me rescue you from this slavery in exchange for a hot dog and a night’s rest on your couch!” Yeah, that’s bound to work out well, eh?

Do you think I’m crazy?

Freedom! I know I got it. In my head, no question. But on the ground – on the ground - I’m not doing anything with it.

Something has to change. I can’t keep playing it safe and getting nothing done. There’s a big fat world out there and it needs some shaking up, dammit.