Friday, May 30, 2008

The Gospel According to FWG

Chapter One: Genesis

On the first day God created light and the firmament and the heavens and the twinklie stars.

On the second day He created oceans and trees and rocks and very tiny pebbles and He saw that the tiny pebbles were good and He said, 'Tiny pebbles, you shall be called sand.'

On the third day God created the seasons and He made the leaves turn pretty colors in autumn and fall down from the trees.

On the fourth day He created wind and He blew the fallen leaves all over the damn place.

On the fifth day God created morons and called them people. And he said, 'Morons, you shall be called people.'

On the sixth day God created Guinness and he saw that it was good.

On the seventh day God rested and recovered from a wicked hang-over.

On the tenth day or so the people began to take offence to God’s work and to the pretty leaves and they created oil drills and oil refineries and gas-powered leaf blowers and they blew the leaves in directions of their own choosing.

On the Eleventh day God blew the leaves back where He wanted them.

On the twelfth day and every even-numbered day thereafter the people fired up their gas-powered leaf blowers and tried to undo God’s work.

On the thirteenth day and every odd-numbered day thereafter God blew the leaves back where he wanted them and made the people look like jack-asses.

Finally the fume-sucking people all died from cancer and severe asthma and God thought that was pretty funny and he laughed and laughed until he got a cramp in his abdomen. Then He remembered that he was the almighty and he wiggled his nose and made the cramp disappear.

Then God created monkeys and he saw that they were good because they were a lot nicer than people and much more fun at parties. And even when they played with their own feces He had to agree that this was significantly more productive than blowing leaves around.

1 comment:

Mark Cohen said...

It's only blasphemy if you offend the right people :)

Awesome post