April A-Z: Frosting the Pastries

This may be the most valuable article this month. A complete guide to the top ten desserts of all time. Ah, but what criteria are we using to determine such topness? Why, my own dang taste buds of course and yes, I am an expert; 360 pounds of expert. If you're heavier than 360 then you're entitled to make corrections to the following work! Otherwise, read and learn. Here goes:

#10: CHOCOLATE PEANUT BUTTER ICE CREAM on a WAFFLE CONE

What you need

1 five-dollar bill
1 looney

What to do with it

Haul your butt down to Hewitt's Dairy, HWY 6, just east of Hagersville, Ontario. Or maybe west. Or some other compass direction. I don't know. It's kind of like the Bermuda triangle down there. Just drive around until you see this place and order the cone. It just might change your life:

#9: BUTTER TARTS

This quintessential Canadian dessert (if you subscribe to the nation idea) got started here in the new world before the pioneers started calling the place Canada. See how people once had wiser priorities? It's a cousin of Quebec's sugar pie and the Yankee's pecan pie.

Some butter tarts actually come equipped with pecans instead of raisins due to some people purporting to prefer such perversions. If you are one of these people, do this the next time you eat a pecan tart: pretend that the pecans are actually cockroaches. This should cure you of your deranged habit.

What you need

1 twenty-dollar bill

What to do with it

Head for The Sweet Oven in Barrie, Ontario and order a dozen.


#8: BLUEBERRY PIE with VANILLA ICE CREAM

So many pies. So little time. This one is my favourite for it's sheer sugary potency and staining power.

What you need

A charming smile

What to do with it

Make friends with a really good baker. Eventually you'll get dinner invitations and one day this will be on the menu. If the pie is not served piping hot, put the entire serving in the waver for twelve seconds to make the ice cream melty.


#7: FROGS (not the hippety hop kind)

More commonly known as haystacks, oat delights, unbaked cookies or (erroneously) macaroons. But frogs is what we experts call 'em. I've been making these since I was about ten years old and nobody does it better. Carly Simon even wrote a song about my frogs which some people think is about James Bond.

What you need

2 cups sugar
6 tablespoons cocoa
1/2 cup salted butter
1/2 cup milk
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup flaked coconut
3 cups instant oats

What to do with it

Combine the first four ingredients in a pot. Bring just barely to a boil. Add vanilla. Remove from heat and stir in coconut and oats. Spoon globs of it onto a cookie sheet lined with wax paper and store in the fridge until hard or until you can't take it anymore and go screaming into the kitchen to rip the fridge door off its hinges.


#6: DQ BLIZZARD

Professor Plonk, Captain Vino and I used to visit the Mongolian Grill on a regular basis, eat to the point of bursting and then torture ourselves by going straight to Dairy Queen for ice cream blizzards, and then cry in pain all the way home. But even that has not turned me off of them.

What you need

1 ten-dollar bill
some imagination

What to do with it

Hit the nearest Dairy Queen, ponder the Blizzard menu and throw a couple flavours together. I recommend the Reece's Pieces Blizzard with an added cookie dough topping or the Mint Oreo Blizzard combined with double fudge cookie dough. So there. Get the extra-large of course and you'll get a buck and a half change.


#5: MONTANA'S MILE-HIGH MUD PIE

Same theme as above but there is only one variety which contains espresso chocolate chunk ice cream, regular chocolate ice cream, peanut butter, oreo-type cookie crust, whipped cream and chocolate sauce. It's basically a frozen cake, served partially thawed.

What you need

1 ten-dollar bill

What to do with it

Proceed to the nearest Montana's restaurant on a Wednesday and start with the all-you-can-eat ribs but eat ever so slightly less than all-you-can so that you're inclined to order the mud pie. It's freakin' huge by the way but once you have the first bite, having room will no longer be a criterion.


#4: PINEAPPLE CAKE

Looks like carrot cake but sans carrots. Presumably contains pineapple. This was the latest orgasmic dessert from the Queen of Dessert, better known as Dog Whisperer. I could have filled this list just with her desserts alone but there's little point since once she serves you something amazing, she never makes it for you again. Luckily there's always something new around the bend waiting to blow your taste buds away. She claims that pineapple cake contains only three ingredients. I assume this is a lie meant to throw us off the trail.

What you need

Nothing. Don't even bother.

What to do with it  

See above.


#3: TOO-TALL ORANGE & CREAM CAKE

This is my old stand-by when contributing dessert to a dinner gathering. The uninitiated always look skeptical at the mention of orange cake but upon the first bite their eyes light up. It's like a creamsicle but ten times better.

What you need

About fifteen bucks

What to do with it

Snatch one from the nearest M&M Meats store and keep it in the fridge for up to a full day so that it's mostly thawed. Inhale the leftovers as soon as your dinner guests are out the door.


#2: CHERRY CHEESE CAKE

This is actually my favourite dessert of all the ones I've tried and has been so since I was about seven years old. Here's how to do it right:

What you need

Seven dollars American plus airfare to JFK International Airport and subway fare to Brooklyn.

What to do with it

Find your way to Junior's Restaurant at 386 Flatbush Ave, Brooklyn and they'll do the rest. And now...


#1: PUMPKIN CHAI CHEESECAKE

I confess: I've never had pumpkin chai cheesecake. The closest I've come is pumpkin chai latte. I know. That's probably not very close. But I love pumpkin, love chai and love cheesecake. And I know it exists. I've heard about it. This is the only food experience on my entire bucket list. Wish me luck.