The gas attendant

So I stopped for gas this evening. Out of habit I paid at the pump with my debit card. $65 gas and about $5 worth of motor oil from one of the big jugs I keep in the trunk. That’s a typical day in the life of me and my old Grand Marquis.

So while I’m paying-and-pumping I realize I’m thirsty and I’m sleepy and I have a lot of driving to do so I decide I’ll have to go into the little stop-and-shop or whatever Petro Canada calls their little rip-off stores and get me a power drink. You know what I mean – a Red Bull or a Full Throttle (I know! I know! I shouldn’t drink those. They’ll make my heart explode. I know that. Shut up already.)

So I go in and select the Full Throttle. I find this brand intriguing because it gives you poo-breath but doesn’t taste like poo. I can’t imagine how they do that. It’s queerer than the Caramilk secret. I also choose Full Throttle because it comes in the king-size can, not the wee one. And since I’m not making any mortgage payments these days I can afford it.

I go to the attendant and plunk the can on the counter. He looks at the can.

“Will that be all?” he asks.

“Yes. Thank you,” I say. He picks up the can, scans it and places it back on the counter.

“Will there be anything else?” He says.

Now – as a self-proclaimed writer I like to think I’m generally in tune with the finer nuances of the English language. And while ‘Will that be all’ and ‘Will there be anything else’ are technically not exactly the same thing, I can confidently assure you that in this circumstance they are two means to precisely the same end.

So I don’t answer. I just look at him and he looks at me. But he doesn’t give up. He speaks again, loudly and with firm pronunciation:

“Will there be anything else?”

“No thanks,” I say. “This will be all -- and there’ll be nothing else.”

I don’t think he clued in.

I regret not saying, “You want something else? You want something else? I’ll give you something else. You’re a moron. How’s that for something else? You want more? You want more? Okay. How’s this? You know those little red signs on the pump that say 'Attendant can not make change for $50 bills or higher?' Huh? Huh? Well you CAN’T BUY GAS FOR UNDER $50 ANYMORE!! ASS HOLE!”

It’s true. No one buys less than $50 of gas at a time. Why don’t they tell the truth on the signs?

'Attendant cannot count higher than 50'.