Tel-Sales Survival Guide (volume 2)

More methods for turning phone-pirate time theft into valuable entertainment time! (continued from post Tel-Sales Solutions, Sunday January 29th)

Solution 6: The Hold

Watch your clock. After every 20 seconds of pirate talk, put them on hold for 40 seconds. Do this over and over until they give up. Don’t be shy to cut them off mid-sentence. Try these lines:

“Hold for a second. I have to let the dog out.”
Upon return, “Whoa! That was close. He was just about to pee on the floor I think.”

“Hold for a second. I have to let the dog back in.”

“Oh my god! Hold for a second!”
Upon return, “Sorry about that. I had to rescue a big cling-on from the dog’s butt before he sat on my white bear-skin rug.”

“Hold on for a second. Someone’s on the other line.”
Upon return, “Sorry. That was my uncle [or nephew]. He’s in the hospital recovering from testicular surgery. He had one removed. He’s a one-ball man now. Pretty funny eh?”
Note: If American, do not say ‘eh’. Say ‘Don’t y’all think?’ or ‘Dang nabbit’[??] or whatever’s regionally appropriate. For added fun substitute ‘aunt’ or ‘niece’ instead of uncle or nephew. Chances are the phone pirate will never even notice.

“Hold for a second. I have an itch in a hard-to-reach place.”
Upon return, “Whoo! That’s better. Sorry about that. I had to use both hands to reach that sucker.”

“Hold for a second. There’s someone at my door.”
Upon return, “God, I hate door-to-door salesmen! Bastards!”

When the pirate finally completes her pitch, tell her ‘Oh. I just bought [same product/service] from the salesman at my door. Gosh. Sorry about that. Goodbye.”

Remember – never ask if you can put them on hold. Just speak over them and put the phone down.


Solution 6B: The Hold (version 2)

Same as above but each time you place them ‘on hold’ remain on the line and breathe heavily. They should realize that you’re still on the line but if they ask, don’t confess! Just keep breathing.


Solution 7: The Classic Retort

Each time the pirate asks a question of any kind, say, “I know you are but what am I?”

This will result in a brief but amusing conversation.


Solution 8: The Barnyard

Respond to all questions with the following answers:

- Moo.
- Oink.
- Cluck cluck.
- Hee-haw.
- Baaaaaaaaa.
- Cock-a-doodle-doo.

If you’re talented in the ways of animal impersonation noises, go crazy. Go all out. If not, just speak the answers in a calm, reasonable human tone.

Both methods are highly effective.


Solution 9: The Perceived Crank Call

Listen to Phone-boy’s initial pitch and then say, “Mike, you bastard! Is that you?” He’ll deny it of course. Say, “Very funny, Mike. I know it’s you!”

Regardless what the pirate has to say, continue to ‘believe’ it’s your friend Mike (or whomever). Ignore everything the pirate has to say and just ask ‘Mike’ about all the things you would normally ask a close friend. If stuck for material, try these lines:

“Hey, I heard your dog died. That’s rough, man. You okay?”

“So did you really take that cross-eyed girl home with you last Friday?”

“Hey, Thanks again for dinner the other night. Man, when I got home, I never stopped farting all night!”

“So is your dad still talking about a sex-change operation?”

“So Mike, you ever find out what that spot is on your willy?”

You get the idea.


Solution 10: The Spouse

Wait out the entire pitch (while continuing to play on-line poker or to surf for Brittany Spears pictures or whatever). Then tell phone-girl, “I’m sorry. I don’t make those decisions. Here. Talk to my wife.”

Hand the phone to your young daughter (or say ‘husband’ and give it to your small son).

Tell the child it’s his Aunt Mary and you think she has a present for him. This will guarantee his active participation in the conversation.

For added Mayhem, give it to a child of the same gender.

Two warnings. One – To be fair, you may have to reward the child with a present the next day. Two – Depending on the pirate’s interpretation of the situation you may find the authorities at your door the next day following up reports of molestation. In that case just put them on to my web site. I’ll explain everything. I wouldn’t leave you high and dry, my friend. We’re in this together.


Now, be sure to print out these Tel-Sales Survival pages and keep them by your phone. Give ‘em a try and let me know how it goes!

FWG