Saturday, May 19, 2007

Mid-day in the Garden of Dogs and Cats

Woke up in the ex-darling's bed this morning with two kittens romping beside me - oh - and no ex. Yikes. Don't misconstrue. The ex is on vacation along with parents and twin sibling and the ilicit sweetheart and I are members of the committee to babysit the pets and plantlife of the three vacant households.

The kitties are Kody and Kayla (oh how I yawn at such dreary pet names; I assure my next pet shall have no less than eight words to its name, each of no less than six syllables!) They're sisters of a litter and joined at the hip (figuratively) - forever playing, fighting, cuddling or grooming each other. They have separate snooze-baskets but you'll only ever find them mashed into one, wrapped up in a fuzzy bundle and looking for all the world like a wildly deformed two-headed cat.

I'm now in the back yard of the parents' place and feeling happy and peaceful. The weather is heavenly as is the afterglow from a delicious evening with the sweetheart.

With me is Buddy, the noble companion of the ex's twin. He's a wise old Lab of regal - though a bit tippy - stature.

Also here is Sasha, the outrageously rotund beagle; eater of McDonalds packaging. There's a McDonalds restaurant right next door. With that and the wind and the perpetual ignorance of their clientelle Sasha's work is never done. Though spelled S-a-s-h-a, her name is almost exclusively pronounced 'SashaSashaSashaSashaSasha!' and strictly in falsetto voice. I can't seem to bring myself to participate in this.

She's just launched into a frail barking at the sight of the empty driveway.

"Chill, beagle," I say, "There's no one there."

There's something different about beagles generally. I've heard many call beagles stupid. A very unfair pronouncement, I say. People, almost without exception, measure a dog's intelligence by their willingness to cooperate. A flawed way of thinking. The dog who obeys no rules and gets what she wants has achieved more freedom and success than the obedient slipper-fetcher. Which is really the more intelligent? This particular beagle has perhaps achieved too much success. She's become a belly-dragger with four nubbins for legs. She moves about like some kind of Isle-of-Moreau-ish penguin/centipede cross. Imagine that if you can.

So get a load of these shenanigans. The parents believe themselves to be vacationing only with the twin. The ex has departed covertly. They're planning the classic twin-switcheroo gag but on their own elderly parents, and on another continent to boot.

"Everyone's telling me not to do this," said the ex. "They say my mom will have a heart attack."

"I don't think your mom will have a heart attack," said I.

"Me niether."

"I think she'll have a mild shock in which she despairs the apparent loss of her sanity and then she'll recover and beat you half to death with the nearest stick."



Anonymous said...

Buddy is a beaut, regal indeed. Enjoy your time with the animals! As for me I am off to work on a foot with a boo boo :O

Kathleen said...

Beagles aren't stupid, but they are definitely not my favorite breed of dog. They're kind of the goat of the dog world - will eat anything.

I am absolutely and totally in love with the gargoyle.

And I think I'm stupid because I have no clue which twin is doing what to his/her dear mother.

Dave said...

In the name of everything good and holy, why, oh WHY are the two of them on vacation together? No good can come of this. Are they thinking they're really going to fool their folks?

I'm not the brightest light in the chandelier, but I can tell who is who at 500 paces. Maybe the folks are losing their eyesight...and their hearing.

Is Buddy the same dog that was up at the cottage with us years ago? Happy dog/cat/house sitting!

Lola said...

I, too, love the gargoyle!

Fantasy Writer Guy said...

Sorry. I guess the twin thing is confusing because it really has little to do with them being twids. Twids? I mean - twins.

Here's a proper summary:

- old folks invite offspring #1 and #2 to go on vacation with them.

- #1 says 'yes please', #2 says 'No thanks.'

- #2 changes mind, tells sibling, arranges different flight. They do not tell the parents.

- In foreign country - thousands of miles from home and child #2 (presumably) the trio sits down at a restaurant or whatever. Kid #1 says "I need to go potty", gets up and leaves for the bathroom.

Moments later, child #2 arrives at the table, sits in the seat just vacated by child #1 and says, "That's a load off my mind. What? Why are you staring at me?"

The object is not to fool the folks into thinking one twin is the other but to make them think they've lost their marbles for forgetting which twin they were on vacation with.

Does anyone get it yet?

If not, just pretend. Just nod and smile and eat a bug or something.

Yes the gargoyle is rather a smoochy little devil aint he.