Saturday, October 20, 2007

Ask FWG, not Jeeves - edition 5

Again, these are the google searches (in bold) that lead unsuspecting web surfers to find their way to this blog. I have here provided them with the answers to their questions (in non-bold). So there.


1. how funky is your chicken how loose is your goose movie
He’s normally funkier but he’s a little hung over today. But our goose movies are always loose. In fact we have the loosest goose movies in the Golden Horseshoe Area.

2. ybo how to pronounce
Like this: “ee-bow”. As in “Ybo’s connected to the… thighbo. Thighbo’s connected to the… hippo…” Got it?

3. Xiphisternum cat
Well, it’s like this, see. There was an old lady who swallowed a cat (imagine that!) and it got lodged in her xiphisternum and there it sat. I think she swallowed the cat to catch a mouse but I don’t know why she swallowed the fly. I mean – mouse.

4. fantasy guy hero names
There are far too many to mention but some of the key ones:
King Arthur
Gandalf
Sir Lancelot
Fafhrd
Gray Mouser
King Peter
Conan
Gord the Rogue
Fido McSnoochpoodle
Henry the Amazing Xiphisternum Cat
Binky Binkelstinks
Lola the Flirtatious Crossdressing Garden Druid
Hercules
Frodo
Snuggaroot the Very Small Dwarf (Gasp! That reminds me – I’ve totally dropped the ball on the Cayber Crystal chronicles. Bad Fwig. Bad. Slapping self on wrist…)

5. naughty n nice in Oakville
That’s easy. Naughty:
Bob Runciman and every jerk that voted for him.
Nice:
Everyone else.

6. Squirrelfucker
Again, Bon Runciman (if the rumours are true).

7. read first time guy fantasy making love
Gosh, my first ever making-love fantasy? That was a long time ago. If I correctly recall, it involved a pair of twin hermaphrodites, a camel and a lot of rubber boots filled with sand. No, wait. It was butterscotch pudding. Shall I go on?

8. "the vision test" question 48 hallpass
Question 48: Does it hurt when I poke you in the eye with my finger?

9. answers to the vision test+question 48 hallpass
Well, I don’t condone cheating but okay, here’s the answer to question 48:
Ouch! Hey! Cut that out! Hey, that’s not your finger…

10. mock knowledge tests for ontario drivers
That’s fine. I mock them too. Watch this:
Hey knowledge tests! You suck! That’s right! G1 and G2 questions are for pussies!

11. Ontario Geography in simple words
Hilly
Watery
Trees
Roads
Cat
Dog
Boy

12. How not to write a fantasy novel
There are many many wrong ways to write a fantasy novel. This is just one:
Once upon a time there was a woman named Sheila who worked in the Department of Taxation and Excise. She liked to eat Chicken Noodle Soup for lunch. One day she stuck some of her soup noodles up her nose and stomped around the office growling and shouting, “I AM THE KRAKEN!”. Her coworkers panicked. She looked like a real kraken. So they beat her to death with their staplers and three-hole-punches and drank her blood. The end.
This is actually some excellent literature. The only problem is – it’s too short. You’d have to include about 200 pages describing the soup. Use simple words like “watery”.


The information provided above is correct to the best of the author’s knowledge at the time of this release. The author bears no responsibility, financial or otherwise, for any manifestations of the use or misuse of the above counsel, including but not limited to: financial loss; hearing loss, degenerative disk, stubbed toe, poked eye, rug burn, wet spots, racing stripe, run-on sentences, tooth decay, moral decay, tennis elbow, continental drift, hot flashes or parvo.
Image sneakily lifted from photobucket.com

2 comments:

Kathleen said...

I didn't want to remind you about the Cayber Crystal story.

Babs said...

From here on out I declare that everyone I hate is a squirrelfucker.

This was great stuff. I laughed out out multiple times. Thanks. I really needed a good laugh.

Does this mean we'll be reading the next installment of the Cayber Crystal soon? Huh? Does it? Does it?