Friday, February 02, 2007

Seeking Sylvie Ruel

Oh Sylvie. Where ARE you?

Okay – you don’t know me but I live in your former apartment. And I get all your mail now. Your companions at Reliance Home Comfort must be terribly worried about you. They send you correspondence incessantly despite my repeated advice that you are gone. Are you coming back one day? They seem convinced you are. I shall leave a candle burning in the window.

Poor Sylvie. I hope she’s not the victim of foul play. She must have left here (or been taken) awfully suddenly to have missed notifying all her associates of an address change. I get much of her mail but much especially from Reliance-Home-Comfort-A-division-of-Ontario-Hydro-Energy. This is either the ninth or tenth piece I shall return to them. I think next time I shall mark this upon the envelope:

*** FINAL NOTICE! *** The addressee no longer resides at this address! You are more likely to reach her – at any other address than this one! If you fail to heed this final notice the matter will be referred to our Department of Last Resort, meaning that all further mailings will not be returned to you but will be used as wiping material and flushed.

Do you think they’ll get the message?

Me neither.


Anonymous said...

Hey, I had a similar problem. I probably shouldn't admit this, but "deceased" was the one that finally worked :)


Babs Gladhand said...

Fwig - I think this problem is typical with apartment living. If they don't get the message with your final note, you could always use it as wiping material and then send it back. But I'll bet there are probably laws against such sickness.

Mark - Your evilness made me laugh.

"mjoel" - Oh my god. Finally one that makes a little sense.

Dave said...

We've been at our new pad for about six months now and my beef is that we keep getting calls for the guy who used to have our new phone number. A simple "you must be the person he changed his number to get away from" would probably work best.

On occasion we get mail forwarded to us here at the new place addressed to the people who bought our old place. My last name is similar to the new owner's, but come on post office, what are we paying you for? Horseshoes and hand grenades, I tells ya.

hmm...and when asked again...

Fantasy Writer Guy said...

Wow! Great ideas. What clever little monkeys you people are!

Dave - please do not take Mark's lead and claim that Mr. [last guy to have your phone number] is deceased. It's one thing to mess with the utility company. Quite another to give some guy's grandmother a heart attack...

Dave said...

come on, if granny hasn't phoned the guy in six months, how good of a grandmother is she anyway? Unless of course she's calling after taking a tumble down the stairs and his number was the only one that came to her rattled mind as she lay there on the floor, unable to get up. Poor granny. I'm sure he'll miss her.

Kathleen said...

I'm impressed that you go to that extent. I just recycle any mail I get that doesn't belong to me. Of course, it helps that I knew the previous two tenants in my present apt. and know where they live, so anything else I figure is too old to worry about.