Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Wow! I must be famous!

I popped into the Dollar N' Value store today at the corner of Eglinton and Mavis, generously overlooked their improper use of the apostrophe and stocked up on scented candles. Here's just some of the varieties they offered:

FWG's Bedroom
Mixed Berry
Unspecific Pinkiness...

Whoa! What's that? FWG's bedroom, you say? That's right! How famous must I be that scientists have broken into my home without my being aware and determined the chemical equation to precisely mimic the scent of my bedroom and sold the formula to manufacturers of dollar store candles! Is that not the pinnacle of fame?

I presume it's to avoid paying me royalties that they don't actually label these candles "FWG's Bedroom". But some sixth sense told me to buy them and I did. Eight of them. And after burning two of them for a couple hours this evening I suddenly realized that I could detect no change of scent in the room! So I gave the one candle a few good sniffs and was amazed to discover that the scent precisely imitated the scent already present in the room. Shocked and disbelieving I sniffed the second candle - determined to prove my first observation wrong. I had to get very very close to it before finally detecting a new scent - that of singed nasal hair. But singed nasal hair as a candle variety is even stranger than FWG's Bedroom - plus my nose was so outrageously hot that I couldn't trust that it was properly functioning at that point so I had to dismiss the second observation.

Anyways - if you want to sample the FWG's Bedroom scented candles you can go to any Dollar N' Value. Just look for the coppery/burnt orange/rust sort of shade and a label that reads: Variety: CAFLVE.

I'm not sure if caflve is Islamic for FWG's Bedroom or if I'm reading it wrong. I'm actually only sure of the C and the E because the 'AFLV' is printed in brown letters right across the brand logo that very very strangely consists of a sea of random curved lines that are the exact same brown colour and same thickness as the letters - which, I confess, might just as likely be 'QWZF' for all I know. Is CQWZFE a typical candle variety? Is there any typical scent that starts with C and ends with E?

Anyways I'm very concerned over how I'll handle my new star status. It'll be quite the lifestyle change. I assume celebrity trinket hawkers will be all over the place now - going through my garbage etcetera. Hey - maybe I can get one of them to take away the rogue pubic hair that is matted to the shower wall about 7 feet up and end the stalemate between Steve-o and I over who must perform this task.

How on earth do they get up that high, anyway?



Oberon said...

.......i feel dirty too.

Babs Gladhand said...

I demand a picture.


If you wouldn't mind.

Begins with c and ends with an e.

Candle scented candle?
Chaste? Crappie? Cafe? Constantinople?

I give up.

Fantasy Writer Guy said...

Babs, A picture of the logo or the pubic hair? I'll provide both to be safe. Only problem is - the software and the cable for uploading pics from my digital camera are both installed on my PC at work - not at home. And I'm on vacation til Monday. So you might have a bit of a wait unless I think up another solution.

The word has got to be either 6 or 7 letters so Crappie works and the others don't. Although - I personally think my bedroom smells rather subtly pleasant and not at all crappie so I have my doubts. I certainly thank you for the effort though.

ooh! Oberon was here! I'm deeply homored. I love mythical gods. Although I can't remember just what Oberon is the god of so I just googled him and the only meaningful references peg him as a King of Elves or of Fairies or as a moon of your anus -- oops! I mean Uranus. Duh.

Now I'll have to go dig into one of my many mythology books...

Kathleen said...

Coffee, perhaps?

No Dollar 'N Values here in Detroit, but I could cross the river and see what Windsor has to offer.

Babs Gladhand said...

Fwig - A photo of the FWG Candles, please. Okay, alternatives to a photo would be: If you have a scanner, you can scan it. If you have microsoft paint, you can paint it.

Hmmm...I was trying to work up a catchy tune, but the Nyquil is interfering. Curse this medicinal buzz.

Kathleen - coffee. Duh! Fwig, does your bedroom smell like coffee?