Monday, January 14, 2008


One of the core purposes of my existence in the world is to watch every heroic adventure/fantasy movie ever made; as insufferably bad as most of them are. Yet somehow I've managed to miss this one for the entire twenty-two years since its release. Until now.

There's very little you need to know. Here it is:

1. The soundtrack is seventies porn/disco.

2. Matthew Broderick does his own stunts. Which mostly consists of him running around waving his arms like a little girl.

3. Dustin Hoffman and Mary-Lou Retton play the king and queen.

4. I'm kidding. Dustin Hoffman and Mary-Lou Rhetton do not play the king and Queen. But they could have. In fact it would have been just the thing to to lift this flick from just-plain-bad to cult shtick. Well. That and if they got rid of the horses and banged empty halves of coconuts together instead.

5. I'm sitting here blogging instead of paying close attention to it. What does that tell you?

6. Broderick and Michelle Pfeiffer are showing no signs that they're going to get it on. There's still an hour or so to go but honestly - I haven't even seen a nipple so far. From either of them.

7. Even if you wanted to see this for some bizarre reason - you'd probably never find it at your local video store. I found this VHS copy at the library where old movies go to die.

Random dialogue:

"I fell in a hole and followed my nose."

"Serves me right for getting involved in this nightmare. Nightmare? Daymare. And then a night without day. A day without night. What's that supposed to mean? Makes about as much sense as the rest of it."

"Looks like a big one, Captain. We're gonna get soaked."

"Do you know that wolves and hawks mate for life?" [Editor's note: Presumably not with each other.]

"This hole's not big enough for the two of us."

"Damn you! Damn you to hell!"

Oh thank goodness. It's over. Some random credits:

Attiene Navarre: Rutger Hauer
Bishop's secretary: Venantino Venantini

Italian Horse Wrangler: Sergio Casedei
Stand-by Painter: Romolo Siani
Italian Unit Runner: Marco Pugini
In Loving Memory of: "Little Pasta"


Kathleen said...

Dear heavens, that sounds horrible. I'm sure it counts for time in purgatory, so you'll get out 2 hours sooner. ;-)

Oh wait! That's right, there is no purgatory anymore. You watched that for no reason.

Anonymous said...

oh dear, be prepped to cringe...

I liked it when I was a kid, and today it would be what I call "a guilty pleasure"

sorry, heh.

Nepharia said...

Oh, hey, I *liked*'s especially good after some Corellian whiskey.....

Babs Gladhand said...

I do want to see it. For the bizarre reason that it has been deemed by you to be so horribly bad. I love horribly bad movies. In modest doses, of course.

Fantasy Writer Guy said...

If you really want to know - I didn't mind the movie at all. I kind of enjoyed it. After all - I'm a sucker for all heroic adventure movies.

But it's still goofy. And easy to make fun of. So I did...

Jerry T said...

Does anyone know who is "little pasta"?

David said...

Little Pasta was the name of the actual hawk, which apparently died during production, since the dedication is in the memory of 'Little Pasta'.

Randi said...

This ain't Shakespeare, Charlie. It is just a fun romantic fantasy adventure yarn. Don't try to make it Ibsen. Just have fun with it!

Unknown said...

Great movie. Maybe best movie ever. EVER.

Pegasus Rider said...

I second Carol. The film is really great and moving. Don't take my word for it though - see for yourself!