Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Do It Yerself Project #1

That’s right. It’s handyman time. Something useful for a change. Perhaps Roger will correct me if I go astray somewhere here. Because Red Green surely does not read this blog.

So - you know the problem. It happens all the time. You’re looking after your ex’s house for a couple weeks and someone sexy calls you up and says, “Hey, you wanted to cook me dinner some time while you’re in town? Well, I’m free tonight. We’ll have drinks in the hot tub after and you can smoke that fancy cigar!”

Which sounds great, of course, but there’s that problem with the hot tub. It developed a very slow leak and the vendor hasn’t yet come around to replace the offending hose. The water level has slipped about five inches low over the last couple days and time is running short. If you go to the standard solution - the hose through the basement window - the temperature might cool down too much to be fully reheated in time for after-dinner drinks.

The problem, of course, is that the basement tap only delivers cold water.

The solution: The kitchen tap can deliver hot water! You just have to find a way to transport it to the hot tub.

Here’s what you’ll need:

- Kitchen sink

- Garden hose. Put one end into the hot tub. Run the other end under the kitchen door and to the sink.

- Plastic milk jug. This will act as a funnel. Preferably Mac`s Milk 2%. I can`t tell you why except to say - I used Mac’s 2% and it worked for me. Wash it thoroughly. We don’t want any stale milk in the tub.

- Duct tape. This goes without saying. All home projects north of the 49th parallel require duct tape.

- Scissors. This is for cutting a hole in the bottom of the jug so that, inverted, you can insert the faucet. Let an adult do the cutting for you. Scissors are dangerous. And don`t run with them or stick them in your eye. Not even for a good reason, like shits and giggles.

- Two pots filled with hot water. This is for stability. Or for transporting water to the hot tub if this bloody contraption doesn`t work. Also, if you exceed the water heater`s capacity you can use the pots to boil water instead. And if neither contingency is required, why not cook some hot dogs? All this work will tax your stamina. You’ll need to replenish vital nutrients and energy. I suggest Jumbo hot dogs, of course.

- Pig`s ear. This is to keep the dog distracted so he’s not under your feet constantly and getting hot water spilled on him. Or - if you overcook and ruin the hot dogs, it’s for you. Eat carefully. They’re very very crunchy.

Tip #1: Do not turn your back on the project while the tub is filling. Many things could go wrong and you don’t want a flooded kitchen.

Tip #2: Upon completion, roll up the hose and store it where it will not freeze.

That’s it. Our tub refilling process is complete and the temperature only dropped from 103 degrees Fahrenheit to 102. Success! Sad, isn’t it, the lengths a man will go to just to get someone out of their pants. Shocking really.

Be sure to join us next week when we’ll show you how to rescue your hors d’oeuvre party by crafting makeshift samosa dip from HP sauce and Coca Cola.



Roger said...

i love the way you think! although a garden hose to the washing machine hot water bib is a little easier...(done that with a kiddy pool)((ok i was really desperate but it worked))

or go find some wonder putty and fix the leak....
and of course no extreme is to far to go to separate someone from their pants...


Anonymous said...


OH MY GOD you are too funny

Next time just have a shower together LOL

Kathleen said...

Your way was probably quicker in the long run, but I was thinking of the boiling water in pans scenario. But that would have required going outside into the snow too often.

Congratulations on your ingenuity.