Tuesday, April 07, 2020

Fiendish demons

Hey my fine feathered friends. We’re still at it over at the A to Z. And today the friendly, frugal, feminine, foofoo dog-friendly... Foreign Correspondent has forwarded the following word for us to fiddle with:

Flossing

Now it was many many years ago when I discovered the fabulous rewards of procrastination and ever since then I have continually made solid plans to one day visit a dentist again - who knows - maybe next month or definitely probably maybe next year at the outside. The biggest reward in this case is that I have not had to tolerate a masked monster or his evil minions (called hygienists) prying my mouth open and jabbing all my tenderest bits with sharp bloody instruments of torture - for years. Pretty nice really. And apparently when you’re an adult there are no police forcing you to go or fining you for not going. So yeah. Screw it.

I know I know. How could I not be all in for such an experience? Why am I not on the sidewalk in front of his office every six months just shaking with gleeful anticipation before they’ve even unlocked the door in the morning? Yeah I’m weird that way.

And another thing I haven’t had to do is mislead said monster and/or minion with regards to my flossing habits or future flossing habits or a complete and utter lack thereof. They know how to avoid the utter awkwardness around this. They wait until your face is stretched to hell and they’re rooting around in your mouth searching for the most delicate nerve within reach to gouge the hell out of when they ask you about your flossing and remind you to floss a little more often. This way the patient’s answer - whether it is “Oh yes, I love to floss and I can’t wait to get home and really have a good long session” or else, “Sorry I keep forgetting to do that. I’ll put a note in my calendar” or else “Go to hell you fiendish bloody demon. I’m going to follow you home and run your car off a cliff” it all sounds completely ambiguous. It all comes out “uiouoiyuiooaeeaeaeaiuiouoiuoaeeaeuouououogh” which they hear as “Yes Ma’am. I promise to do better.”

Now I don’t know if this is what Foreign Correspondent had in mind or if she was thinking of the “Backpack kid” who I learned about by youtube searching the word flossing:

This backpack kid is frankly amazing. For one: he has learned to survive with milk in his arteries instead of blood. (he’s pale… is what I’m saying.) And two: he devised this dance which he can perform to a 4/4 time signature though the dance - which is called flossing, I understand, has an awkward six-beat cycle, and yet appears natural and easy when he does it. He also does it SO FAST that people think it’s a sped-up video but it’s not. If my arm could move as fast as his I’d never leave the house…

(that joke works better in times of non-quarantine)

Anyway… I got up and tried the flossing dance and I’m sure I looked like a complete and utter idiot.

So yeah. The kid’s a star. Good on ya kid! Keep kicking ass.

Flossing. So there.


2 comments:

Anstice Brown said...

I have a phobia of the dentist so I am good at avoiding appointments until I absolutely have to go. I do floss my teeth though, and that seems to keep most serious problems at bay. I have not yet mastered the art of dance flossing. I think I'm maybe half-way there but something doesn't look quite right.

Frédérique said...

The good side of the confinement is: no more dentist! At least for few weeks...!
F is for Free motion