Monday, January 01, 2007

Day 1: A conversation with Calico the cat

January 1, 2007:

I awoke in the Purple Heaven suite, guest room at Professor Plonk and Captain Vino's new home. I hadn't much sleep which is unfortunately typical these days, yet I felt inclined to rise and make coffee and do some writing. But Calico (also known as Calicoco or Calicoco-Craziest-Cat-in-the-West in various circles) had already drawn up an agenda for me and she let me know about it via her patented droning wheezing squawk that simply can't be ignored - so delightful to the ear it is.

Job 1: Feed me (no, no, the wet stuff, not the kibble). Unbeknownst to her I managed to set the coffee brewing while she was chowing down.

Job 2: Strokes and ear-scratches while we sit together on the big comfy chair (me on the seat - her on the arm). Between repeated reminders to her to please keep her damn tail out of my coffee mug we had a nice conversation about life, the new year and various issues of shared human-feline concern.

For kicks we assembled the following list by consensus (I brainstormed, she indicated her entries of choice by drooling on them). Perhaps you'll find it a useful resource the next time you adopt a kitten:

Calico and FWG's top-ten names for cats for 2007

10: Fuzzmuffin
9: Skittles
8: Narcissus
(not so strongly endorsed by Calico)
7: Aslan
6: Boo Boo Kitty
(of Bobsey Twins fame)
5: Otto (short for Autocunnilinguist)
4: Whiskerbiscuit
3: Puke Machine
(variants: Shit Machine and Little Shit Machine - again - not endorsed by Calico so much)
2: Fido Purpurr (former NHL hockey player - really - no kid'n - or should I say - no kit'n - har har!)
1: Calico (not particularly endorsed by FWG)

That reminds me. I'll have to update my Top 500 nicknames for 2007. If you have any nicknames to lobby please do so soon!

Good grief. What a lame posting. Look, I was tired okay? They can't all be winners, dammit.


Anonymous said...

I like Puke Machine, but my favorite is Otto. Just because it's dirty and doesn't sound like it.

In fact, I think I'm going to start calling a lot of people Otto. It sounds a lot nicer than cocksucker, dontcha think?

Dave said...

Oh geez, I just realized I forgot to tell you you could sleep in the queen-sized bed. I certainly hope you didn't cram yourself into the crib. Is that why you didn't sleep so well?
Curious as to when in your list of jobs "Hang cinnamon bun recipe from a noose in the kitchen doorway" came into play.
mmmmm....cinnamon buns.

Kathleen said...

My friend has an absolutely evil Calico cat whose name is Confetti. I think it's a very clever name for a calico cat. Unfortunately, for this one, Attack Cat or Evil Bitch might be more appropriate.