Monday, June 25, 2007

Revenge of the Xiphisternum

I think it's been five years now - since I first went to Doctor Rhamadamadingdong about the lump on my chest and was told I have no lump on my chest. Four doctors, two x-rays and one ultrasound later and I find myself at Dr. Grant's Lipomorium on the promise that this specialist would be the one to determine which of these spreading little beasts should be removed and would be the one to do the removing.

After poking me into oblivion with his bionic finger he announced, "These aren't Lipomas. There's nothing I can do for you."

"Oh. Do you have any idea what they are?"

"Not a clue. I can't detect a thing. I'll contact your family doctor and let him know."

"Oh. Okay. Do you have any idea what kind of doctor I should see about this?"

"Not a clue."

Five years, five doctors and I'm back at square one. Except whatever these frigging masses are, they're many times larger now.

The ex is in the medical industry. I called to see if any strings could be pulled. Some way I could get in to see a good doctor. The kind who don't normally take new patients very often.

"Yeah, for sure. Doctor so-and-so! He's excellent!"

"Really? that would be great! But what kind of doctor is he?"

"He's a pathologist."


"I'm sorry. Did you say pathologist? I was kind of hoping for an answer prior to the autopsy. Does he ever examine live people?"

"No. Just cadavers and body parts. Amputated limbs and such."

"I see. Yes. Um. You understand I'd prefer to remain intact, right?"

"Of course. You wouldn't see him in an official sense. You'd come visit me when I'm on evening shift and he could take a look at you on the side. He wouldn't mind staying a bit late to do me a favor."

"Does he work in the morgue area?"


"Okay. We're gonna forget we had this conversation."


Kathleen said...

You are going, right? What could it hurt? He's not trying to drum up business, I'm sure. Wouldn't you rather know?

Anonymous said...

Did they say "Oh its just a fatty tissue growth." Like I was told about a lump on my back? groan. Riiight. Maybe you'll find out something from Dr.Death.