Monday, July 23, 2007

Always close your mouth when you chew

Always close your mouth when you chew.

And when you wash your balls.

Because you never know when all that up-and-down motion will make them squirt at you.

I learned this the hard way. Took a shot of soapy sandy water right on the tongue. Gross eh? Damn golf course ball washers.

These are just two of the lessons I learned on Sunday at the annual Strat-o-Matic Hockey League Golf Tournament, Award Banquet, General Manager’s Meeting and Pool Party. The event was an educational one. Further learning acquired on this day:

- One should participate in the pre-match handshaking tradition prior to the slathering-on of sunscreen lotion – unless you’re okay with getting confused and accusatory looks and exclamations of “Ew!”

- Be aware that further handshaking is required at the end of the round. Try to keep your strokes under 150 if possible – to ensure you’ve enough strength remaining in your arm for this.

- Be wary of the surly geese, surly goose turds, the crazy hat-snatching bird and – in the vicinity of bridges - any trolls or ornery turtles.

- Try not to overly freak out upon the spying of a twisted burnt hand of an alien corpse reaching out of a pond at you. You’ll look like an idiot if it’s revealed to be an errant tree branch instead.

- Convincing the roaming beverage girl that she may serve your foursome beer because you’re all from Newfoundland where it is currently already eleven o’clock can make you feel very clever.

- Convincing the beverage girl that she may serve you beer because you’re all from Newfoundland and then everyone ordering pop - not so clever.

- Debating and massaging a rule-change proposal for two hours only to refine it to the point that it precisely mimics the rule already existing on the books. Again, not so clever.

- Gauging the speed and direction of the wind by tossing a few blades of grass in the air can be a useful scientific exercise.

- Gauging the temperature of the water in the swimming pool by studying the rigidity of your golf partner’s nipples is not a useful scientific exercise.

- Just because a fellow’s nickname is “Hoops” doesn’t mean you want him on your swim-basketball team. Nicknames can be misleading.

- When sitting poolside on a windy day, hang on to your paperwork – or use a paperweight.

- Do not laugh at a man wearing oven mitts and dancing the robot dance. He just might be packing the tastiest cheesy chicken wing dip in the GTA.

Rules to live by. Cheers,


[Editor’s note: GTA refers to the Greater Thorald Area.]


Dave said...

Mmmmm....cheesy chicken wing dip.
Glad to see you're up for some golfing up north. I bought me a 20 pack of balls this weekend. That should get me through the first few holes.

Babs Gladhand said...

I'm so jealous. Where the hell do I have to go to find friends who will wear oven mitts and do the robot dance? Hell, I'd settle for the robot dance without the friggin' mitts.

Kathleen said...

Fluma, come to a party with my friends. They'll do the Robot Dance on request - along with the Sprinkler...and if they're drunk enough, I'm betting money they'll wear the oven mitt.

Anonymous said...

You notice and think about the most interesting things, man. I can't decide if that makes me boring or you weird!


Fantasy Writer Guy said...

Davey-boy Links Master: I'll golf with you but you'd better hit a driving range in the mean time to warm up. And get yourself a proper golf glove. Oven mits are fine for baking cheesy dip but they wreak havoc on your golf swing.

Babs: Thorold is the place to go. Just ask for Skeeter Willis. He'll also wear bugles snacks on his fingers and do the Macarena if you ask nicely. Really nicely.

Kats: The Sprinkler? Wuz that? Can you do it with bugles?

Claudia: It's just honest observation, that's all! Life is freaking weird! You just have to let yourself see it. Or - you know - look the other way. Whatever works for you!

Kathleen said...

Oh, you've seen the's a mainstay of white boys dancing at weddings. One hand on the back of the head with elbow jutting out...other hand straight in front of you pointing...then move like a sprinkler...the old fashioned kind.

Anonymous said...

Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena

Que tu cuerpo es pa´ darle alegria y cosa buena

Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena

Hey Macarena...

Sukhaloka said...

Thou art Hilarious!

Came to your blog from Claudia's.. have to commend you for your extraordinarily clear thinking, and the wonderfully encouraging way you commented on her soul-baring post. Thank you.
- yet another person who benefited from it.