Friday, August 28, 2015

My regression

I suspect that I am moving toward improved insight into what is going on with me (and what is not going on with me).

I have interpreted the changes in my life as a personal evolution (of consciousness, generally) and I have regarded my less enlightened behaviours – at times occasional, at times more frequent – as a slipping backwards; as a regression of that evolution, and I have never worried about that in any way. I have never prioritized the journey. I’ve never said, “Oh I must keep evolving. I must be a saint by this date and an angel by this date…!” I have made no assumptions about any ideal path. I have been inclined to think that this “regression” has kept me more relatable to certain people and not so estranged from them; in effect having more capacity to communicate effectively, which is important as I have felt a burden and duty to offer myself as much as possible as a guide to the less initiated, in the absence of any more qualified guide within reach. Through the period of rapid evolution I was sensing new hurdles to communication because I was forgetting what it was like to suffer certain perceptions. I could remember the ends of paths but not their beginnings. I felt I was leaving some people too far behind; out of reach.

Having read A New Earth and connecting superbly (indescribably so) to Eckhart Tolle’s explanations of what so-far appears to be the same mental journey and landscape (much work to be done analyzing that), I find myself looking at myself more through what I perceive as his perspective which feels very useful. In doing so I must consider that evolution and regression may not be the most useful terms here. Tolle seems to say that it is more of a toggle switch to be “awake” or “asleep” at any given moment, which does feel right to me, and I must wonder, is it more useful to say that I am generally just falling out of the habit somewhat, of being awake; mindful; conscious; present or whatever (I’ve yet to hear a term for it that feels definitive).

There is no doubt a pattern that I am awake most of the time that I am alone (which is often, per my priorities) and awake much of the time in others’ company but probably not a great majority of that time. I often catch my own lack of presence in the middle of the act and I am sort of laughing at myself before the last offending words are out of my mouth and I have tended to see this as me granting my imprisoned ego little recreational holidays; time off for good behaviour. This was perhaps conceited of me as I must ponder: No, this is the ego being fully in charge at these moments. Yes, I think that is more the case. It’s creepy to think of the ego playing possum in this way but it makes sense.

What may have slanted my views on regression until now is that the rewards of peace, joy and freedom do not entirely depart through periods of more instinctive (asleep) modes but I wonder do they only linger as academic comforts in those moments, rather than fully genuine. It invites the more crucial question. How do I ever know when my state is genuine and full and not just academic? Tolle (and the Healer) propose a simple test for that which I can not so far consolidate.

I am pondering at this moment that maybe a more mindful habit is on the rise again as my concerns about being reachable or relatable; the capacity to communicate, are perhaps dissipating. The Healer, who has graciously listened to much of my personal story without doubt or prejudice, suggests that teaching is more a matter of practice and experience than staying relatable. She suggests, in essence, that I may have “evolved” spiritually but not as a teacher.

The fact is, I am currently much in doubt about both my abilities and my qualifications as a teacher. They may both be deeply lacking and if so, that is okay. She also suggests that I may not be nearly so alone in my circumstance as I have felt. She is subtly suggesting that I might find myself at home in the woo-woo community, a term she applies ironically to herself and her peers; the practitioners of reiki, tai chi, qigong, meditation etc.

In other words, the burden of guiding may not be falling on my shoulders so much after all. I don’t know if she might be right. I’m not sure how accurate her idea is of all that I have been through and perceive, but there is work to do to clarify these matters and new experiences to be had! The Healer knows Tolle’s work but I must read and re-read his works and take stock of how much he explains myself and my journey as well as how much he does not. This will shed more light on all of these questions.

Perhaps continued evolution is my inner purpose while guiding is a potential with regards to my outer purpose, remaining to be seen.

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