Bad FWG throws a tizzy

Welcome to Ontario. We're morons.

Okay. Heres what we need to do. Besides changing the border welcome signs to the above phrase, We need to turn all the Ontario DriveTest Centres into IQ-test Centres. We need to test everyone's IQ. Everyone! The smart people receive (or keep) their drivers license. The stupid people get made into slaves for the smart people - or - get turned into dog food.

The problem - of course, will be then trying to re-staff all the test centres after their personnel have been auctioned off or processed - as the case may be.

Yes, I'm a little pissed off right now. I went to the DriveTest centre today. I paid my $85. I passed the vision test with flying colours. Hoo haw. One down. Two to go.

Off to the written-test area. They gave me two tests. One for identifying street signs and one multiple-choice questionnaire. Each test had 20 questions. You need 16 correct on each to pass. I aced the visual street sign one. The other quiz was rather an adventure. It went basically like this:


1. You are stopped at a two-way stop sign and traffic is busy in front of you. You should:

A) Watch for traffic from all directions and proceed only when safe to do so.
B) Shift into reverse, scream at the top of your lungs and proceed backward.
C) Use your cell phone to call the House of Parliament Leader of the Opposition and tell him you think Prime Minister Harper’s doing a bang-up job.
D) Speed into the intersection and do a bang-up job.


2. You come to a red light. A police officer is directing traffic and signals you to proceed through the intersection. You should:

A) Proceed through the intersection.
B) Roll down the window and explain to the officer that red means stop.
C) Roll down the window and yell "Pigs go home!"
D) Accellerate and run down the police officer.


3. As the holder of a G2 license you must not drive:

A) On a divided highway or with any amount of alcohol in your blood.
B) With any amount of alcohol in your blood or without a fully licensed driver accompanying you.
C) Between the hours of 11PM and 6AM or without a fully licensed driver with 2 or more years experience.
D) On a 400 series highway or without a fully licensed driver with 2 or more years experience.
E) On a 400 series highway or with more than .08% blood alcohol volume.
F) With more than .05% blood alcohol volume, or between the hours of 11:30PM and 5:30AM or without a fully licensed driver.
G) On a divided highway or with more than .08% blood alcohol volume or during the hours of darkness.
H) On a 400 series highway or between the hours of 11PM and 6AM or without a fully licensed driver with 4 or more years of experience.
I) On a divided highway or with any amount of alcohol in your blood or during the hours of darkness or without a fully licensed driver with 4 or more years experience.


4. Traffic signals are indicating a red light and a green arrow pointing left. You may:

A) Tune your radio dial to the next station to the left.
B) Grab the left breast of your passenger and yell, “Drink milk for health!”
C) Proceed left through the intersection.
D) Point your automobile Eastward and say a prayer to Allah. Proceed only when Allah instructs you to.


5. You are driving on a rural highway outside of any town. There are no posted limits. You should:

A) Close your eyes and accelerate until you hit something.
B) Drive at a safe speed, no more than 60 KPH.
C) Turn into the nearest farmer’s field. Light a rag on fire and stuff it into your gas tank.
D) Pretend you are Luke Duke and your cell phone is a CB radio. Shout “Come in Crazy Cooter! Where are you at?”


6. To graduate from a G1 license to a G2 license you must:

A) Wait the required time.
B) Pass a G2 written test.
C) Pass the G1 road test.
D) Pay the required fee.
E) Wait the required time and pass a G2 written test.
F) Wait the required time and pass the G1 road test.
G) Blow the Minister of Finance.
H) Wait the required time and pay the required fee.
I) Pass a G2 written test and the G1 road test.
J) Pass a G2 written test and pay the required fee.
K) Pass the G1 road test and pay the required fee.
L) Pass the G1 road test and blow the Minister of Finance.
M) Wait the required time, Pass a G2 written test and the G1 road test.
N) Wait the required time, Pass a G2 written test and blow the Minister of Finance.
O) Wait the required time, pass the G1 road test and pay the required fee.
P) Wait the required time, pass a G2 written test, pass the G1 road test, pay the required fee, wish upon a star and blow the Minister of Finance.
Q) Find a gold ticket in a chocolate bar.
R) All of the above.


7. [etc...]


Every question was either brain-dead obvious or completely irrelevant. There were at least five questions that had neither to do with my ability to drive safely or by the rules of the road. I took wild guesses at these and hoped I'd get at least one or two correct and therefore pass. I marched up to the girlatthedesk.

"You know I really resent having to answer all these questions about G1 and G2 regulations!" I said. "They're completely irrelevant. I was never a G1 or G2 driver! I've had my G license for 20 years! They never had G1 or G2 back then. How could I possibly know this stuff and why should I? They have nothing to do with my performance on the road!"

"Because," said girlatthedesk, calmly and quietly, "If you fail your road test, you may be demoted to a G1."

"I see. That's good that nobody told me that until now. That's good that they didn't waste any of this nice blank white space on the form, telling me about that. Much better that I don't find out until it's too late. Thank you. I feel much better now."

Girlatthedesk marked my tests. I got 20 on the street signs, 15 on the questionnaire. I'd guessed wrong on all the irrelevant G1-G2 procedural crap. I failed.

You're then expected to wait in line for forever and a day, pay another $10 and try again. I had no time for that, having to get back to work. I stormed away fuming and plotting to barge into my constituency office and tear a new one into my member of provincial parliament.

I got to work still fuming over the injustice.

"You know what?" I barked. "I'll just take the test again and then steal $10 worth of property from the province of Ontario! Then we'll be even. But what to steal?"

"How about a street sign?" said Queue-master, my office buddy. "I'd pay $20 for a street sign with my name on it!" (No - there's no Queue-master Street that I know of. She's referring to her real name - on her birth certificate - to which there are certainly matching street signs.)

But first off - I could only charge her ten to be ethical. Secondly - I'm not much of a smash-and-grab kind of guy. I don't have the nerts for that sort of thing. Although... I do have a yellow pick-up truck. Perhaps if I bring a hard-hat and a ladder and a couple traffic cones I'd look like an official public worker and no one would bat an eye...

Hmm. No. I still don't have the nerts.