Monday, March 19, 2007

FWG is a bad boy. Bad bad. No cookie.

No, this isn't a confession regarding a St-Paddy's celebration on the weekend and all kinds of boozing and whoring around in Toronto and pawing gorgeous strangers and slipping green food coloring into peoples' drinks unsolicited and stumbling home after 3AM and waking up at noon with an outrageous brain-splitting headache. No sir. There is no evidence that anything like that ever happened. And any testamonial comments to the contrary shall not be archived on this web page because I control the master delete button! So there.

No, this is about my driving habits and my struggles with the cat-detector man in the big black impala with dark sunglasses and a Klingon ray gun.

It seems I was supposed to attend a court proceeding that I requested back in March of 2006 that was scheduled for December and that I somehow forgot all about by the time December rolled around (seven months later).


Apparently they consider you guilty when you don't show up for your trial date. How about that? Who knew? Okay, to cut a long story short, this is the latest development:

I received an official document from the Ministry of Transportation Licensing and Control Branch that clearly demonstrates that they are in control of my license and if I want to keep the banana boat in operation I must pass a drivers test.

Hmmph. I feel like pointing out to them that it should be called a driving test, not a drivers test. There's no question whether or not I'm a driver - I got a stack of citations to prove it.

I haven't been road tested in twenty years so - Wait, let me re-phrase that. I haven't taken a drivers exam in twenty years so if anyone has any advice on how to not fail such an exam - I'm all ears.

Now excuse me please. It's Advil time again.


Babs Gladhand said...

Go dressed in a parka and a tutu. Bribe the test giver with your "famous pinto bean, chocolate and cabbage surprise". Everytime the test giver asks you a question, answer with "the marmots are my friends", then giggle uncontrollably. Discuss the finer details of your latest nose-blowing episode, and make sure you gush about how shapely the tester's tear ducts are.

Guaranteed passage.

One more thing, if you see someone you hate walking on the sidewalk, don't try running them down with the vehicle. Even if you detest this person with every fiber of your being. You won't pass. Trust me.

Kathleen said...

In addition to Flumadiddle's fabulous advice, I highly recommend following ALL traffic laws and signs - just to be safe. Don't fiddle with the radio, they hate that. I would avoid talking on your cell phone and putting on make-up at the same time, as well. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I learned the hard way that running a red on your test and then flipping off the tester when he asks you what you are doing is a quick way not to pass.

Fantasy Writer Guy said...

Kats: Ah! Make-up! Yes, I'll have to get me some of that. They won't dare fail me if I'm beautiful.

E.D.: Good to know you're out there living up to your name. I was thinking of leaving a shovel in the passenger seat and making a big show of moving it elsewhere when the evaluator person (??) tries to get into the truck. I'm hoping they'll ask what the shovel is for so that I can reply, "Let's hope you don't have to find out."

I'm not sure if this is something that will work in my favor or not.

Thanks all for giving me the benefit of your learning! I appreciate it.