Friday, April 27, 2007

Ask FWG, not Jeeves - numero tres

1. what is emergency roadside stop G2 road test
There’s actually a lot of leeway on this. The important thing is not to intentionally hit anything and regardless, put your emergency break on upon coming to a stop.

2. eye examination for a g1 license?
Correct. And you must have two eyes to pass. Not one, not three. Furthermore your two eyes must be pointing in generally the same direction – with minor allowance granted.

3. harry cartner Ontario
See that, Harry? They were looking for you – and found me! ME! Sucker.

4. G1 written test Ottawa
There’s no testing in Ottawa. As long as you work for the government in any capacity, they give you a car and a driver. And if you don’t work for the government, what in blazes are you doing in Ottawa?

5. g1 test passing grade
Passing grade is 20 out of 20. They will lie and say that you have passed if you get between 16 and 19 but then they will break into your home that night and strangle you with barbed wire – unless you knelt and licked their shoes upon them giving you your “passing grade.” Remember – lick or die.

6. Philthy McNasty's where Peel Pub used to be
Remember how you got there when it was Peel Pub? Do the same thing. You’ll get there. I know it’s a difficult concept but trust me on this.

7. carried along overhead track, diapering station, ankles lifted
Oh dear. We have no S&M material on this web site. Now please go away, you sick, sick little monkey.

8. "sylvie ruel" fantasy
Grrrrrrrrrrr! Sylvie Ruel fantasies are okay! I have them too. In my fantasies I tie her down to the bed, steal her money and go and pay her overdue Reliance Home Comfort bills.

9. g1+test+Mississauga+Eglinton
…equals 42. Just kidding! It equals a rip-roaring good time with Jason the gentle drive-inspector man. Just relax, breathe normally and enjoy yourself. And try not to fart loudly.

10. kung foo dialogue
I can’t provide the entire kung foo dictionary contents in this space but here are the top 10:
- YAA!
- Ouch!
- Ow, my hand!
- Oh shit, was that REAL wood?
- Time out! I’m losing my drawers here.

11. rant on General Motors
Who wouldn’t? Well, except for the Klan, maybe. Or Bob Runciman.

12. Ontario G1 actual test
All DriveTest centres in Ontario – other than Oakville - now use actual tests. This was legislated after many applicants given the virtual reality tests suffered heart attacks upon confrontation by Smorgenbraack the giant three-headed car-eating monster, planted in the DriveTest simulators by teenage hackers. In Oakville centres the virtual tests still persist in which a giant three-headed Bob Runciman murders all applicants who are not white, wealthy and heterosexual.

13. ontario G1 cheat test
How comforting to know we share the road with drivers who don’t know how to drive but wish to cheat instead. Excellent. Here are the answers:
1. Green light means stop.
2. Red light means go.
3. Drive on the left side of the centre-line.
All other questions are trick questions and should be left blank. Good luck with your cheating.

The information above is provided for entertainment purposes only – much like fortune cookies or Don Cherry. The author bears no responsibility, financial or otherwise, for any manifestations of the use or misuse of the above counsel, including but not limited to: financial loss; salmonella, wandering-eye, drive-by-shooting, buggery, buffoonery, stress-induced acne, brewer’s droop, power-corruption, political apathy, hyperventilation, gas, hairy palm or juvenile delinquency.


Anonymous said...

I got one that was: 19 year old son wears mother's pants.

Tahnks for the laughs again. I feel sick today. Bluh.


Kathleen said...

brewer's droop?

Fantasy Writer Guy said...

Supermom: With material like that you should be writing your own advice column!

Kats: You're just the sharpest little knife in the drawer, aren't you? Every time I post something the slightest bit ilegitimate you're all over it! Brewer's Droop? I haven't the foggiest idea what I was thinking. My fingers did the walking on that one. You caught me again! Yeesh.

Kathleen said...

I thought it was some bit of Canadiana which had previously escaped me...possibly related to Labatt's or Molsen.

Dr. Brainiac said...

Hey FWG, I got a new one today that boggled my feeble mind: "tortured vagina."

(singing...) I'm too gsxly for my shirt...

Fantasy Writer Guy said...

So gsxly it hurts!

Shake it, don't break it, doc!

Dr. Brainiac said...

FWG, the ways people find us is truly amazing...the latest, greatest googly trip to dissertation hell is, "temperature in Hell's vagina." Who knew?

Makes yer yabznus burn just thinking about it, doesn't it?