Wednesday, April 04, 2007

What's black and blue and 'red' all over?

That's right! FWG! You clever little sod.

Okay, so Arkansas, Michigan and Southern Ontario doesn't constitute "all over" but you get the idea.

So... just a little update on the injury situation. No - wait. First a quick update on the Bad Bad FWG Nasty Driver situation. I went back to the DriveTest centre, waited in line, paid another ten bucks and took the test again. Only it was a different test! They switch them up you see, because they're clever little buggers. Not clever enough to know that their lives were in terrible danger would they had flunked me with that hogswoggling G1-G2 crapola again - but clever. Luckily for all of us I got one or more of the requisite hogswogglers correct, passed the test and left peacefully.

The actual road test is slotted for April 18. Here's what I'm thinking. After returning to the test centre parking lot post-exam I shall wait until the inspector signs off on the test form and announces that I've passed before I restart the truck and drive us both merrily through the DriveTest centre's big floor-to-ceiling window. That's the plan thus far.

Okay - the injury situation: The wrist is fine. The knee - just a simple abrasion. The ankle and forearm are both painful at times but full recovery is anticipated. The right shin - however - is a rich tapestry of blue and black with a splash of purple thrown in.

"Shin?" you say? Oh yes. Shin. You see, last night upon leaving the aunt and uncle's place after some jolly good dinner and conversation and packing grandma into the passenger seat, I tried walking between the front of the banana buggy and the back of my aunt and uncle's Lincoln Behemoth - or some such thing. It looks like a truck only seven times bigger. I recall while at the dinner table referring to it as the Rolling Death-Star to my uncle - known as Big John to all who know how to play ball when a big man instructs them to call him 'Big John'. He didn't seem amused. Probably because he hasn't seen Star Wars in at least thirty years and hadn't the faintest idea what I was alluding to.

Anyhoo - This Lincoln is made on the same assembly line as aircraft carriers and is large enough to hold Big John's fleet of snowmobiles and to bear a trailer hitch the size of the Canadarm - only black and perfectly invisible in the dark night - until you march into the thing and splinter your shin to pieces.

Apparently one or more of the 88 expletives I was screaming under my breath must have slipped out because Big John at that moment popped out the door and hollered "Oh by the way - that truck has a trailer hitch on it! Be careful!"

Um... Thanks.

It's now eight o'clock and thus far nothing injurious has befallen me today so I'm hoping the streak is broken at 2. I'm nervous about heading outside though. I'll be watching the sky for falling pianos or safes.


Anonymous said...

Love the drawing!!
More crusty sailors though


Anonymous said...


I did that once or twice too. Only embarrasangly enough it was the ball hitch on my own car.

Thanka for stopping by ;)


Anonymous said...

awww poor FWG. My kids have gotten so good at healing themselves. I bet if I asked them, wait one is here, haha yep. As I suspected, she says: "Tell him to use an ice pack."

There you go!

Dave said...

Any idea who's got that voodoo doll of you? Or are you making up these stories so Children's Aid doesn't come and take you away? It's ok to tell. They'll never hurt you again.
That was some good use of the Etch-A-Sketch in that rendering of the alleged situation.
nxelpdly yours,
fyi: cottage update - deposit receipt and driving directions have been received in the mail. 128 days to go!
damnit, rhcpzz already!

AliKatt said...

You sound about as clumsy as I am. My suggestion is just to expect to gt hurt when you go out, when you return home without injury the day will be written off as a "good day".

I do like the picture though.

Dave said...

Holy crap! No sooner do I mention Children's Aid and I get a call from them! Of course, they're just looking for a donation to some event or other. Second request for donations this week.
So I'm going to mention Ontario Lottery Gaming and let's hope they call to let me know I won a gazillion dollars. Cross your fingers folks.
I said cross them!!!

Fantasy Writer Guy said...

PK: Crusty? Never mind. Don't wanna know.

Mark: It hurts less when you can blame someone else.

Supermom: Be sure to give the kidlet my very sincere thanks!

Davey-boy: 128 days? How many sleeps is that?

Badkitty: I guess you're a smoothie-cup's-half-empty kind of gal, eh?

Anonymous said...

No problemo she said haha..

Fantasy Writer Guy said...

Mom: Your kid is Mexican? That's cool!

Anonymous said...

hee! ahh man I had a shitty day thanks for the laugh senior.I mean senor(pretend there are two little dots above the "n")

my little nina could pass for little Spanish girl I guess...

Babs Gladhand said...

Fwig - Maybe you should wear some protective padding when you wander outside. Maybe even a helmet. It's okay. The other kids won't make fun of you.

Hope you're healed and injury free in short time.

Or in 4/4 time. Whichever you like better.

Kathleen said...

Please thank Big John for buying a Ford product. I *heart* people who drive Ford products.

I fell on some rocks at Red Rocks in Vegas, so I'm a beautiful array of purples, blues, blacks and soon to be greens, myself.