Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Steve-o: The Singles

You know the drill. These are recent random mutterings of the roommate. His songs are in italics.

Simon says… Look Asian.

Look at that! Aren't you amazed by my ying-yang mustard!

Behold! The breakfast burrrrrrrrrritohhhhhh...!

The Neanderthals ate at the worst sushi restaurants. Those fuckers couldn't even cook rice or ginger.

Ah! But I made an awesome pork chawp! If'n I don't say so mah self! Which I just did.

I killed that giant centipede. His last words were, "I wish I'd worked more. I wish I'd paid more taxes."

I'm glad! I'm glad! To have! To have! A friend! A friend! Like Hercules!

And now we're going to play a game called "What's on Stephen's Shit."

You're trying to poison me so you can get my balcony, mother fucker. I saw that episode of Perfect Strangers.

Three blind mice,
Three blind mice,
Stick them in the eye,
Stick them in the eye,
See how they do this,
See how they do that,
See how they do this and that...

So he saved up fifteen loads of sperm and put it in a martini glass - and sure enough it got mixed up with the pina colada mix. Oh my god. It was so funny. I laughed my balls off. And I wasn't even drunk.

Hey mambo! Mambo Italiano! That's my Jerry Lewis singing Mambo Italiano. How did you like it?

The sentiments expressed above are not endorsed by FWG,, Jerry Lewis, Jerry Lee Lewis, Huey Lewis or Huey, Dewey or Luey. Or anyone, really.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Third try's the charm

As discovered on the ever-raucous Avitable web site, the Avitable Scramble: You have thirteen minutes to blog thirteen items. Sounds easy, right? And it is. But twice I've run out of time because I suck. Here we go again:

1. I've been participating in the the National Novel Writing Month event again this November. That's one reason I haven't blogged much. The challenge is 50,000 words in 30 days. Some of the writing is done at 'write-ins' where I gather with a bunch of delightful writer pals from ages fifteen to sixty. We're the Hamilton team and last year we defeated both challengers; Calgary and Delaware, but this year we're getting our collective asses handed to us. I hope to reverse my share of the blame. I'm only at 11,000 words so far but hoping to get my shit together and go on a 3000-per-day pace now that I should have more free time.

2. That took two minutes just now. I'm behind already.

3. I'm officially unemployed and relishing the freedom. I hope to never again sell myself into slavery. I'm looking at various solutions that would allow me to write full time and to travel. And I don't mean from hotel to hotel. I'm more than ready for a materially simple existence. There are no joys that money can buy. I know this with pristine clarity. If it wasn't for the debt that won't be paid off until August I might already be going mobile. Well - there are matters of the heart that are also weighing me down to this location. That's a challenge of another sort altogether.

4. Biodad is doing very well at this time. I'm back in Streetsville and visiting him twice a week.

5. I have an awful lot of possessions to disperse. It'll be a chore. The books! Gads! The books! How pure is my will to decline possessions? I guess this'll be the test.

6. I'm pretty certain I'll be approaching the bookseller with the book barn that needs a lot of work. A six-month project there might be just the right component to build a transitional plan around. There are so many options. So many components. It's all good. All the possibilities are joyful!

7. I've been eating my vegetables and walking and going to the gym. The frog is moving in the desirable direction again. Yay! The I.S. laid down the law; read me the riot act. There is no more fucking around. This extra weight is history.

8. I have a new laptop. It has a built-in web cam. I guess they all do now. Had to give the old lap top back to Ye Olde Information Company. It was kind of hard to go around saying goodbye to so many friends there. They have no idea how much I love them.

9. Shopping for a cap for the pick-up truck. It may become my primary residence when I go travelling.

10. I realized something awesome while at the gym today. If I get a premium membership at a gym that features locations all over the country - I'll always have somewhere to shower/shave/brush etc while I'm on the road. How sweet is that?

11. I'm immensely tempted to take a little vacation to Florida for a while. I have very dear friends living there. I could make it a sort of practice run to see how it goes, living primarily out of the truck. Of course this is really just a poor excuse to get the fuck out of the cold weather for a while! I'm no saint obviously.

12, I've been touched by the noodly appendage of the Flying Spaghetti Monster! Okay, that was a total lie. Sometimes I tell lies on this blog but at least I always confess!

13. I hereby promise to post more often.

I did it. thirteen things in thirteen minutes. I'm freaking awesome.

[Editor's note: And easily impressed with himself.]

Friday, November 14, 2008




WHAT IS THIS?????????????




The awsome beautiful JETS have beaten the vile hideous stinky stinky New England Stink-Patriots for the first time in forever and possibly the last??????





I'm opting out of next Sunday altogether. Opting the hell out. Not even gonna get out of bed all day.


Shoot me.

Someone please just shoot me.

Friday, November 07, 2008

Dear President Obama:

Loving enlightened people across the world are looking to America with rare hope in their hearts. We beg you, follow yours.

Blog friends:

You too can send a message to be displayed in Washington (it looks legit):

More inspiring sentiments from cool bloggers:

Oh - almost forgot - Matt, over at Three Angry Guys, says, "I’m so excited about the days that lie ahead that my nipples are getting erect."

Of course, Obama can not change the world single-handedly. We all have to participate. Find your own way.