Nugget of Wisdom #707

According to Make It magazine; a product of "world leading" news channel CNBC, Harvard researchers report that, "Hi. How are you?" is the worst thing you can say when greeting an associate. They advise that this is too vague and not likely to generate an authentic connection.

Hard to argue that, I say. But what if it's an associate we don't exactly crave an authentic connection with? Maybe it's perfect?

Three superior options, claims Make It:

• “Hi. What are you looking forward to this week?”
• “Hi. You remind me of a celebrity, but I can’t remember which one — who’s someone you relate to?”
• "Hi. What are your three favorite colors?"

Um. Yeah.

Confession: Only two of those were recommended in the article and one of them is my own throw-in. Though I can't imagine using any of them. Also, I find it a bit odd that they issue their number one piece of advice; "be authentic," right before providing canned dialogue.

Oh and here's their actual third suggestion. Ready?

• "Hi. What's your current state of mind?"

Can you imagine?

Pretty sure my response to that would be, "Suddenly cringed the fuck out, actually. Will you excuse me?"

The preceding nugget may or may not contain authentic wisdom. Either way it is not endorsed by the army of monkeys known as Fantasy Writer Guy. 

Beware of Malware

Now that my newish Dell laptop is maturing into a slightly slower, slightly more problematic machine, the free-trial McAfee software is starting to play hard to get. Thus I receive this type of welcome little pop-up every day or so:

Wow. Two hundred and sixty in the last minute? Congrats McAfee. You've  been hard at work!

Yes, I realize that when you want to know who is responsible for something (such as anti-virus creation), two of the prime criteria are: Who is the authority on the matter? (virus creators). And 2: Who profits from something (such as virus creation)? (Answer: anti-virus companies and their employees).

I know that if I was being paid to fight viruses, I'd be tempted to launch a few out there to ensure my ongoing employment.

Oh dear! Are these the mad ramblings of a conspiracy theorist!

I prefer to call  it cautionary logic. And as a matter of principal I don't do business with suspected extortionists.

Also I've become too old for porn. So really, what do I have to be worried about! I've tried to stick to mainstream web sites for years and not come down with any viruses of any consequence.

Well, except possibly for once, years ago, when I used to receive a bounty of lost-and-unreturnable  jump drives which I thought I was using carefully. But one day I received one which contained among many other things, some pictures of young people which were probably not illegal but fairly certainly betrayed a previous owner's unfortunate sexual proclivity. I deleted them but later, strangely, some of them turned up on my computer along with other bland documents not of my creation. All of this I deleted only to later find some of them, along with my own files, sitting around on a different jump drive. I don't know if this was an actual virus  or just some kind of file reconciliation process gone rogue, but after more file deleting and garbage-tossing of suspected jump drives, I've gone years without this meddlesome (and potentially reputation-damaging) phenomena turning up.

Cutting to the chase: DO NOT TRUST UNKNOWN JUMP DRIVES! I actually buy my own now. Like a big boy.

FWG's nugget o' wisdom #442

Unless you can produce step-by-step instructions that explain how one can fly to Pluto, how to become a six-shooter-toting wild west sheriff, and how to bang Judy Garland, all you little motivational speakers should maybe drop this shtick about following your childhood dreams and start thinking about some advice that`s actually useful; something relevant perhaps. Just a thought.

This has been an original nugget o' wisdom from the brain of Fantasy Writer Guy. Do not use nuggets o' wisdom without advice from a trained psychic or Gypsy. Do not exceed four nuggets in any 24-hour period. Do not ingest orally. If you begin screeching like a chimpanzee, dancing the moonwalk or wearing a single white glove, cease use immediately. Do not operate a Hadron Collider Particle Accelerator or VCR while under the influence of nuggets o`wisdom.

FWG's nugget o' wisdom #361

You know why your hands are always sticky after a Chinese buffet? Even when you eat everything with your fork and knife and not with your hands? Even when you're careful not to lay your utensils on your sticky plate? Know why?

It's the handles.

On the serving spoons.

You're wearing other people's stick.

Bon appetite!

This has been an original nugget o' wisdom from the brain of Fantasy Writer Guy. Do not attempt to use nuggets o' wisdom in your own home without the guidance of a trained professional. Do not allow contact with water or bright light. Do not feed them after midnight.

FWG's nugget o' wisdom #285

Bald men driving flashy convertibles are in no way trying to compensate for their lack of hair any more than drivers of large trucks are trying to compensate for small penises.

Bald men drive convertibles because they can; not having hair that, blowing in the wind, might painfully flog their eyeballs.

Much as men with small penises can safely climb up into big trucks without an enormous endowment hampering their mobility.

This has been an original nugget o' wisdom from the brain of Fantasy Writer Guy. Store at room temperature and out of reach of children. Do not use nuggets o' wisdom if you have eaten a meal withing the last sixty minutes or if you regularly hold conversations with the pimple on the lobe of your left ear.
.

FWG's nugget o' wisdom #212

I hereby declare that all participants in the human race are disqualified.

This has been an original nugget o' wisdom from the brain of Fantasy Writer Guy. Do not use nuggets o' wisdom without the advice of a doctor or of one who plays a doctor on TV or of one who plays a doctor in a hospital or of a puppet or talking food product or something even stupider such as Sean Avery.

FWG's nugget o' wisdom #99

The dumb hath inherited the earth.

And they were anything but meek about it.

This has been an original nugget o' wisdom from the brain of Fantasy Writer Guy. Do not use nuggets o' wisdom without advice from your physician. Do not use if you are left-handed. Do not use if you are meek. If you are meek you don't have time for this crap. You need to get out there and win back the earth for Christ's sake.

FWG's nugget o' wisdom #80

Concerning lingering leftovers in the fridge:

A meal consisting of three-day-old pork chops and 4-day-old iced coffee is a sure-fire formula for an evening spent too often in the bathroom where idle observation can lead to reckless comparisons involving substances in soap dispensers and other such meanderings perhaps deemed good blogging material at the time but which is actually nothing more than embarrassing.

Fresh food, people. You can’t go wrong with fresh food.

This has been an original nugget o' wisdom from the brain of Fantasy Writer Guy. Do not use nuggets o' wisdom if you are pregnant or may be pregnant. Do not take orally. Do not take within 60 minutes prior to swimming in deep water. Do not take them within 72 hours of going out with a gun to shoot random people. FWG doesn't want to take any heat for that kind of shit. There's nothing subliminal here. KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL...

FWG's nugget o' wisdom #79

Upon the emptying of a jug of white hand soap and the breaching of a new bottle of clear hand soap, one should not mix the two together in a hand soap dispenser of transparent structure, for the resulting cloudy, milky mixture, resembling precisely that dread substance having legitimate business only in acts concerning procreation, will lead your houseguests into believing you an outrageous pervert and leaving your bathroom with unwashed hands.

And thus we understand the words of the great poets who say:

‘Combineth not the soaps of different ilk lest ye destroyeth thy good name’
- ancient anonymous philosopher

[Editor’s note: That last bit was a load of malarkey.]

This has been an original nugget o' wisdom from the brain of Fantasy Writer Guy. Do not use nuggets o' wisdom if you are pregnant or may be pregnant. Do not take orally. Do not take them with a spoon. Do not take them on the moon. Do not take them on a boat. Do not take them with a goat.

FWG's nugget o' wisdom #51

Someone really should invent a new kind of soft drink that's yellow and tastes like cough medicine and give it a messed up name like Blue Moose or Red Bull or something.

If that wouldn't wig people out enough to wake them up, nothing will.

FWG's nugget o' wisdom #44

A good wine cellar is much like a good basketball team. No whites.

This has been an original nugget o' wisdom from the brain of Fantasy Writer Guy. Do not use nuggets o' wisdom if you are pregnant or may be pregnant. Do not take orally. Do not take while bed-sitting, bagging, growing your hair for peace or banging Yoko Ono.

FWG's nugget o' wisdom #27b

Or in it, for that matter.

This has been an original nugget o' wisdom from the brain of Fantasy Writer Guy. Do not use nuggets o' wisdom without advice from a physician. Do not take orally unless served warm and with a nice plum sauce on the side.

FWG's nugget o' wisdom #27

The Five Second Rule does not apply when you've dropped your sandwich behind the toilet.

This has been an original nugget o' wisdom from the brain of Fantasy Writer Guy. Do not use nuggets o' wisdom without advice from a physician. Do not take orally.

FWG's nugget o' wisdom #12

If life gives you water, sugar, glucose-fructose, citric acid, potasium sorbate, sodium hexametaphosphate and acacia gum - make lemonade.

This has been an original nugget o' wisdom from the brain of Fantasy Writer Guy. Do not use nuggets o' wisdom if you are pregnant or may be pregnant. Do not take orally.