Showing posts with label Professor Plonk and Cap'n Vino. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Professor Plonk and Cap'n Vino. Show all posts

Monday, April 03, 2017

Busy Busy Busy…

April A-to-Z:  A Celebration of the Automobile! (If You’re the Devil)


“But there are positive things also,” said the Journeyer.

“About cars? Are you sure? Like what?”

“Like convenience. Like access. They allow us to get places efficiently. We can do more. We can get places we wouldn’t have time to otherwise.”

Those things are all true of course. And they are also all bad.

Everybody driving around in cars is either doing so in order to solve problems which are only created by the existence of cars in the first place, or they are driving in pursuit of something they shouldn’t be pursuing.

Captain Vino once objected to my criticism of long term regional planning around expansion of highway infrastructure and the ghastly proclamation from an idiot politician: “Cars are never going away!” by claiming cars were necessary for such noble purposes as his visiting his young daughter in a town sixty kilometres away; seeming unable to grasp that without the pre-existence of cars and car culture he never possibly would have ended up in this circumstance. His friends, his baby-mama and his daughter would all have lived in the same village as he, the precise experience of somewhere between 97 and 99.9 per cent of humans in history.

We live in a society almost completely absorbed in artificial needs. The existence of cars has allowed people, in their confusion and standard-norm insanity to imagine that their needs are best met beyond their own locality. This “car culture” breeds profit-driven priorities of centralization; the basis for corporate culture. For thousands of years people met all of their needs in and around their own village or on their own migratory path. This has always been possible – and – mentally healthy (I will get to that explanation in another post if not here).

The natural human appreciates and loves their neighbors, instead of regarding them with the repressed resentment which belies the ugly suburban attitudes and architectural trends of the day:  smaller stoops and front yards and larger walled-in backyards. The modern home is more a stronghold than a dwelling. Cars have made neighbors an optional feature of our lives. And overwhelmingly we tend to decline them as we whiz by them in favor of function-specific neighborhoods such as the super mall; the crown jewel of the auto's reign over our society.

Everybody’s busy busy busy… without grasping how artificial the vast majority of their business is. Most of our “needs” are imagined. We seem to need them because everyone around us seems to need them. The more we have the more we want. Technology, as predicted in the past, has indeed enabled a standard 2-hour work day. There is no doubt about it. But no matter how much technology improves efficiency we will keep working the eight-hour day – come ten hour with overtime born of slave mentality, reputation mongering and greed – come twelve hour with travel time. Because we’re blindly absorbed in ideas of capitalist competition which is pure unbridled insanity and contradictory to life itself  if you stop long enough to think about it (again I'll elaborate in another post).

Our needs are so much simpler than we imagine and much of them – the need to contemplate, learn (real learning – the acquisition of wisdom, not factoid collecting) and creativity – are wholly overlooked due to our constant distraction and addictions.

The car enables us to stay permanently distracted and permanently busy because we are insanely enslaved to greed and ego - to our vast detriment. The car brings too too much within our reach while we fail to stop and really look at the things around us; and so we never take the time to discover the remarkable essence of the supposedly simple things in our presence. We never learn to see things - or people - or ourselves - for what they - and we - really are.

Without the car and it’s unlimited access we would be far more inclined toward (and have the time for) the great human necessities of regular solitude, mindfulness, observation and deeper processing of contemplation. All of that is quite present in the prominent philosophical, poetic and religious texts of the world by the way – if you look for it.

The intelligence levels of average western citizens has been dropping alarmingly. We’re breeding cities jam packed with functional morons; instinct robots deeply disconnected from their potential humanity who imagine they are intelligent or cool or special or successful or normal because the inventions of our ruthlessly clever (and ruthlessly unwise) elite have mechanized us with iPods and cell phones and automobiles (and yes – my own laptop) which FEEL like our own extensions; which FEEL like something to our individual credit and which in no way are. They are chains which bind our minds to the matrix. And the thing about being an instinct robot is – our FEELINGS are almost always corrupt; almost always a placebo to lull our weak consciousness into dreamy comfortable submission, while our actions go about destroying us: our society, our planet and our arrested evolution. Because, of course, our instincts have barely evolved in the last hundred thousand years while technology has taken over the world and evolved our circumstances a millionfold.

You and I and everyone we know are Xboxes running on Pong software and this problem is in fact at the root of every problem you can imagine - from war to global warming to racism and to all the rampant - practically ubiquitous - superstitions which warp our minds and society into a whirl of delusion, vanity and accusation; 

We should ask ourselves how useful we would be, as an individual, without any of our tech gadgets – as if they all disappeared one morning. How useful would you be? Think about it. The answer is not simply hypothetical; it is crucial to our existence.

And now I must apologize. I am very tired (three hours sleep last night) and mentally sluggish. I've failed to contain the scope of this post and with no brain left with which to further edit it into something more fair and manageable to read, and the deadline upon us, I must now surrender this beast and collapse in bed.

With regrets,
FWG/New Day Rising

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

acrid /ˈakrəd/

I used to think that if politicians came equipped with brains or balls they might be inclined to accept my suggestion with regards to tobacco regulation and simply raise the minimum age for purchasing tobacco by one year every year, in effect banning them but grandfathering them in so that current addicts may be allowed to go on destroying themselves if that’s what they need to do – and I mean that with sympathy.

Of course now I’m not nearly so naïve and I realize it has nothing to do with the brains or balls they are missing but rather that the community of friends, family and business associates of which politicians are a lifetime member, include valuable friends family and business associates making kazillions of dollars in the tobacco industry, and loving every breathless second of it.

I wish they had accepted this grandfather regulation suggestion when I first made it 29 years ago when a dear friend, Captain Plonk in fact, declared that he wished tobacco would be outlawed because he figured that was the only way he could manage to quit. If so, the minimum age would now be 45!

Very happily though, Plonk managed to quit on his own.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

April A-Z: Frosting the Pastries

This may be the most valuable article this month. A complete guide to the top ten desserts of all time. Ah, but what criteria are we using to determine such topness? Why, my own dang taste buds of course and yes, I am an expert; 360 pounds of expert. If you're heavier than 360 then you're entitled to make corrections to the following work! Otherwise, read and learn. Here goes:

#10: CHOCOLATE PEANUT BUTTER ICE CREAM on a WAFFLE CONE

What you need

1 five-dollar bill
1 looney

What to do with it

Haul your butt down to Hewitt's Dairy, HWY 6, just east of Hagersville, Ontario. Or maybe west. Or some other compass direction. I don't know. It's kind of like the Bermuda triangle down there. Just drive around until you see this place and order the cone. It just might change your life:



#9: BUTTER TARTS

This quintessential Canadian dessert (if you subscribe to the nation idea) got started here in the new world before the pioneers started calling the place Canada. See how people once had wiser priorities? It's a cousin of Quebec's sugar pie and the Yankee's pecan pie.

Some butter tarts actually come equipped with pecans instead of raisins due to some people purporting to prefer such perversions. If you are one of these people, do this the next time you eat a pecan tart: pretend that the pecans are actually cockroaches. This should cure you of your deranged habit.

What you need

1 twenty-dollar bill

What to do with it

Head for The Sweet Oven in Barrie, Ontario and order a dozen.


#8: BLUEBERRY PIE with VANILLA ICE CREAM

So many pies. So little time. This one is my favourite for it's sheer sugary potency and staining power.

What you need

A charming smile

What to do with it

Make friends with a really good baker. Eventually you'll get dinner invitations and one day this will be on the menu. If the pie is not served piping hot, put the entire serving in the waver for twelve seconds to make the ice cream melty.


#7: FROGS (not the hippety hop kind)

More commonly known as haystacks, oat delights, unbaked cookies or (erroneously) macaroons. But frogs is what we experts call 'em. I've been making these since I was about ten years old and nobody does it better. Carly Simon even wrote a song about my frogs which some people think is about James Bond.

What you need

2 cups sugar
6 tablespoons cocoa
1/2 cup salted butter
1/2 cup milk
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup flaked coconut
3 cups instant oats

What to do with it

Combine the first four ingredients in a pot. Bring just barely to a boil. Add vanilla. Remove from heat and stir in coconut and oats. Spoon globs of it onto a cookie sheet lined with wax paper and store in the fridge until hard or until you can't take it anymore and go screaming into the kitchen to rip the fridge door off its hinges.


#6: DQ BLIZZARD

Professor Plonk, Captain Vino and I used to visit the Mongolian Grill on a regular basis, eat to the point of bursting and then torture ourselves by going straight to Dairy Queen for ice cream blizzards, and then cry in pain all the way home. But even that has not turned me off of them.

What you need

1 ten-dollar bill
some imagination

What to do with it

Hit the nearest Dairy Queen, ponder the Blizzard menu and throw a couple flavours together. I recommend the Reece's Pieces Blizzard with an added cookie dough topping or the Mint Oreo Blizzard combined with double fudge cookie dough. So there. Get the extra-large of course and you'll get a buck and a half change.


#5: MONTANA'S MILE-HIGH MUD PIE

Same theme as above but there is only one variety which contains espresso chocolate chunk ice cream, regular chocolate ice cream, peanut butter, oreo-type cookie crust, whipped cream and chocolate sauce. It's basically a frozen cake, served partially thawed.

What you need

1 ten-dollar bill

What to do with it

Proceed to the nearest Montana's restaurant on a Wednesday and start with the all-you-can-eat ribs but eat ever so slightly less than all-you-can so that you're inclined to order the mud pie. It's freakin' huge by the way but once you have the first bite, having room will no longer be a criterion.


#4: PINEAPPLE CAKE

Looks like carrot cake but sans carrots. Presumably contains pineapple. This was the latest orgasmic dessert from the Queen of Dessert, better known as Dog Whisperer. I could have filled this list just with her desserts alone but there's little point since once she serves you something amazing, she never makes it for you again. Luckily there's always something new around the bend waiting to blow your taste buds away. She claims that pineapple cake contains only three ingredients. I assume this is a lie meant to throw us off the trail.

What you need

Nothing. Don't even bother.

What to do with it  

See above.


#3: TOO-TALL ORANGE & CREAM CAKE

This is my old stand-by when contributing dessert to a dinner gathering. The uninitiated always look skeptical at the mention of orange cake but upon the first bite their eyes light up. It's like a creamsicle but ten times better.

What you need

About fifteen bucks

What to do with it

Snatch one from the nearest M&M Meats store and keep it in the fridge for up to a full day so that it's mostly thawed. Inhale the leftovers as soon as your dinner guests are out the door.


#2: CHERRY CHEESE CAKE

This is actually my favourite dessert of all the ones I've tried and has been so since I was about seven years old. Here's how to do it right:

What you need

Seven dollars American plus airfare to JFK International Airport and subway fare to Brooklyn.

What to do with it

Find your way to Junior's Restaurant at 386 Flatbush Ave, Brooklyn and they'll do the rest. And now...


#1: PUMPKIN CHAI CHEESECAKE

I confess: I've never had pumpkin chai cheesecake. The closest I've come is pumpkin chai latte. I know. That's probably not very close. But I love pumpkin, love chai and love cheesecake. And I know it exists. I've heard about it. This is the only food experience on my entire bucket list. Wish me luck.


Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Hard to resist


I got sucked into a Sushi night with fellow gluttonnoshers Captain Vino, Empress of Catan, Ghost Whisperer and the Freckled Banker.

We ate scads and scads of sushi, faux sushi, miniature steak dishes and shrimps of every description.

We talked about the prices of things. We offered amusement over re-configured pop culture sound bites and cute giggly sex-puns and - that's really all. And then we paid the bill - or so we think.

I recalled the Steward of Gondor gobbling his feast while the sons of Gondor marched to their deaths.
.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Muskokaville

My little video slide-show from our cottage vacations over the last five years:


Friday, June 26, 2009

Where were you...

You know, whenever people say to me, "Where were you when you heard Kennedy was killed?", I have to say, "Sorry. I wasn't born yet. I wasn't even germinating in momma's tummy yet. I wasn't even a sparkle in some rapist's eye yet. I may posess the wisdom of a two-hundred year old guru, but I'm actually only forty. Kennedy departed six years before I came along."


[Editor's note: No one has ever asked FWG where he was when Kennedy was shot.]


But if Michael Jackson's death is the Kennedy of my generation -


[Editor's note: Not very likely. Half of FWG's friends are cheering, "The PED is DEAD!"]


- then I will not forget where I was. I was on Facebook chatting with Cap'n Vino. Here lies the transcript, forever immortalized:


FWG [is off duty ‘til Monday night!]

coincidence? obviously not.

Cap'n Vino [Wow, Farrah and MJ on the same day?]
I've never really been into it myself, but who am I to judge?

FWG
been into what?

Cap'n Vino
duty.
ok, I clearly did not get enough sleep.

FWG
I was talkin bout MJ and FF

Cap'n Vino
ok, now your comment makes more sense.
add Ed McMahon to the mix and there's your 3.

FWG
what about the leblanc guy?

Cap'n Vino
Patrick Swayze is wiping his brow, I'm sure.
who?

FWG
whatever

Cap'n Vino
matt leblanc? joey from friends?

FWG
no this guy was 81 and died yesterday and the newspaper ppl thought that was significant
and he was canadian

Cap'n Vino
oh, romeo

FWG
tada

Cap'n Vino
but he wasn't in entertainment, so apparently he doesn't count.

FWG
he probably watched TV
thats entertainment

Cap'n Vino
I don't know...a guy named romeo...he was probably more into reading shakespeare

FWG
u win

Cap'n Vino
excellent. it's all about winning

FWG
THIS JUST IN...
rod has emailed cottage response

Cap'n Vino
und?

FWG
he only has one vacation day left
what a loser

Cap'n Vino
and I guess he's not willing to take a leave of absence for the remaining 6 days?
you told him there'd be booze right?

FWG
friggin guy's back and forth between his office and Dallas office all the time
he should just tell each office he's at the other

Cap'n Vino
that works for me. he could go into town every couple of days and make a call. problem solved.

FWG
presto

Cap'n Vino
I'm growing basil...I could make that
oops...presto. never mind

FWG
I'm lost. what's the word I'm looking for?

Cap'n Vino
map?

FWG
something -esto

Cap'n Vino
manifesto

FWG
pesto?
thtz not it
is it?

Cap'n Vino
basil, olive oil, pine nuts? yep, pesto is it.

FWG
okay. dunno why it became so unfamiliar to me all of a sudden

Cap'n Vino
it's a funny word. I say we call it presto from now on.

FWG
I'm in.
and a one item pizza is called pepperonli

Cap'n Vino
I'm having a hard time saying that one and I'm nearly sober.

FWG
PEPPER... ONLY
CINCH
oops - cappslock stuck

Cap'n Vino
stop yelling at me!!!
I think the I at the end threw me off
if I were to have a one topping pizza, it would probably be mushrooms.
we could call it mushroomi

FWG
not in my house you wouldn't
but you're at the shop

Cap'n Vino
I am so

FWG
you are so

Cap'n Vino
what did you call me?!?

FWG
So.

Cap'n Vino
I see.
I'm sending off a message to my friend jeannine to see if they are available.

FWG
bravo

Cap'n Vino
I crack me up.

FWG
yeah, that word 'available'

Cap'n Vino
What are the chances that you guys have some vacation time available Aug. 29-Sept. 5? We've rented a cottage up north with our friend FWG. Stacey (our wedding photog, and Plonk's gay cousin's ex-wife) was due to come along but just bailed.So FWG and us decided to take turns asking people who would be fun to see if they are available. He got first dibs, but his person only has one day of vacation left. Our turn!You're my number one! (of course, if you guys can't make it, I'll be telling all my other picks that they were number one, but you seriously ARE my first pick.) It is such an awesome place. This is our 3rd year there. It's the only cottage on the lake. VERY PRIVATE. No hydro. Propane appliances and lights.Anyhooo, let me know if you guys are interested.ciao baby.
there...sent

FWG
Nice.
All your previous picks were busy, I guess.

Cap'n Vino
ya, pretty much.
I'm hooked on this damn bouncing balls game!

FWG
sounds painful

Cap'n Vino
it's not a real hook

FWG
ew

Cap'n Vino
I'm getting a hand cramp from playing so much

FWG
i think i've heard enough
did you guys ever meet my friends tim and aaron from Florida?

Cap'n Vino
yes, many years ago

FWG
they've talked about wanting to visit this summer. They may be my next proposal if Jeanine ixnays.

Cap'n Vino
sounds groovy

FWG
did u just say groovy?

Cap'n Vino
no, but I may have typed it

FWG
oh yes - there it is.

Cap'n Vino
yes, I've just browsed the transcripts. I did, in fact, type "groovy"

FWG
would you call the cottage wheel-chair accessible?

Cap'n Vino
well, there's a ramp to get in, but I'm not sure about door sizes and all that.
getting to the beach could be a chore too

FWG
acknowledged.

Cap'n Vino
why? who's in a wheelchair?

FWG
Frank of "Frank and Jeff"
awsone fellas
aw-SUM, I mean
hates me this keyboard

Cap'n Vino
tim & aaron already get the boot?

FWG
No. I'm already planning the next 88 rounds of picks

Cap'n Vino
good plan.

Cap'n Vino
won't you take me to funkytown?

FWG
in your dreams

Cap'n Vino
I love the 80 's lunch

FWG
oh

Cap'n Vino
bastard!

FWG
i wish you'd stop bringing that up

Cap'n Vino
I'll try...how about shithead?

FWG
no thanks. cutting down.

Cap'n Vino
peckerbreath?

FWG
i haven't had oral sex recently, if that's what you’re asking


Cap'n Vino
I wasn't, but thanks for the info

Cap'n Vino
hey

FWG
horses

Cap'n Vino
peter (of doug & peter) just signed a lease for the shop two doors down. He's opening a gluten-free bakery in September.

FWG
wowzers I say

Cap'n Vino
ya, I think doug's got some nervous diarrhea now.

FWG
[pushes lunch away]

Cap'n Vino
Mmm...lunch. I should have mine soon

FWG
please. take mine.
I'm gonna head outside. Enjoy the weather.

Cap'n Vino
I'm going to stay in and enjoy the a/c

FWG
Let me know what Jeanine and whozits has to say, buc

Cap'n Vino
have fun!

FWG
...karoo

Cap'n Vino
will do

FWG
later gator


Did you make it to the end? Sorry for doing that to you.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Dispatches from the Want-n-While lodge


I'm not even going to bother fixing the awkward random spacing that will inevitably fuck up the layout of this post nor will I bother to find out who at Blogger.com is responsible for this fuck-uppedness that happens every time you try to post more than five photos nor will I knee said person in the crotch. We'll just live with it 'cause there are worse problems in the world...

This is the best pic I have of the cottage itself. It's kind of buried behind the trees. Use your x-ray vision:



Professor Plonk salutes the wolves upon trading authentic wolf howls with them. We think he said, "If you're coming over to visit I recommend you eat the others and not me. They're much tastier."



Foggy morning:


More 'foggy morning':





Still more 'foggy morning':


Enough 'foggy morning' to choke a small horse:

Not so foggy:

Who 'dat!




Cap'n Vino shoots a giant stool! Um - toad stool, that is:


Gateway to the land of the Tommyknockers:


Caught on the Tommyknockers' surveillance camera:

Me and Stella:

A few random quotes from the week:

"I started my vacation off properly. Had two beers and a Cuban cigar for breakfast."

"Why does this toast smell like fish? Did you grill this toast on the barbecue? By god, it tastes like fish."

"The mellow yellow policy is simply good water management."

"Go get your quadrapus!"

"Looking up at the stars I know quite well... That for all they care I can go to hell... But on earth indifference is the least We have to dread from man or beast. How should we like it were stars to burn... With a passion for us we could not return? If equal affection can not be, let the more loving one be me." (W. H. Auden)

"Apparently you get six bucks worth of free Crispy Crunches with every fourteen cent purchase of baking powder. Who knew?"

"Make way for the dock dip."

"Oh come on people. Do I have to demonstrate how to perform a demi-squat?"

"I like this tissue with lotion. I only needed one sheet instead of three and it leaves a nice taste on the lips."

"ISLANDS IN THE STREAM! THAT IS WHAT WE ARE! NO ONE IN BETWEEN!"

"OH, FUCK OFF WITH THAT SONG! YOU PRICK!"

"What the hell are these tommyknockers you keep talking about?"

It's a band? Manhattan Transfer! Three words... First word... The! The Manhattan Transfer! Second word... Um. Suspenders! Lumberjack! Paul Bunyan! Backpack! Hiking! Sinking! Melting! Stairway! Downstairs! Manhattan Transfer! Falling! Mushroom! What the? What are you doing? Oh! Flying! Airplane! Jefferson Airplane! Jefferson Starship...! Third word... Swing! Bat! Club! Buena Vista Social Club! The Breakfast Club! Oh! Oh! The Parachute Club! Oh shit. We were out of time.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

The wheels... are in motion!

I had a couple meetings with my boss at Ye Olde Information Company this week.

They refused to dismiss me or give me a severance package - no surprise - but we did plan an exit strategy where the company and I will trade favors and part ways between three and four months from now. Basically I will stay on until they can get a new person on board and the successive training completed that will shift everyone involved into their new roles.

And then... look out world! I'll be free from the Matrix. And I'm coming after you!

In other news:

Item one: Completely independent of this circumstance, I was approached by two separate persons this week regarding income opportunities of writing and self-employed natures. How interesting how things fall together.

Item two: Very dear pal, Professor Plonk actually applied for a new job this week. I've only been urging him toward this end for twenty years or so. Did I mention it's interesting how things fall together?

Item three: Also in the realm of expanding my poetic adventures - Crushed By INGSOC has appointed me a guest position on his very most excellent blog. My debut article went up today. I'll be posting there once a month or so.

Item four: As of tomorrow, Friday August 22, 2008, at 3:01 PM -- I am on vacation! Going back to the Want-N-While lodge for a week with Professor Plonk, Cap'n Vino and their new wee dog, Stella who looks adorably ugly and shatteringly cute all at once, in pictures that is.
And also with the excellent Doc Swallows and some chum of hers who I look forward to meeting.

I shall miss you when I'm gone! Back in a week or so.


Cheers.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

I Came for a Swallow Tour '08 - Week 2



Some moments from the conclusion of the Niagara Herb and Wine Tour, Sunday:

Jackson Triggs Niagara Estate Winery. The highlight was the very aromatic tree at the front entrance. Cap'n Vino picked up on it as soon as we were out of the car. "What's that smell?" he said. "Is that-? Is that - grapes?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Vino. It's a winery. Not a grapery." Yeesh.

Vino updating his passport upon leaving behemoth Peller Estates, where they matched their Ice Cuvee with gerbil. gerbil the herb, not the rodent.


[Editors note: Chervil. Yeesh.]




Lailey Vineyard. They matched an '04 Cab Sauv with Rosemary and Sausage. A very lean tasty all-natural nitrate-free sausage. Very very yumbly. Cap'n Vino ragged me out for flashing him (with the camera). He's an ornery little beotch sometimes.




Professor Plonk reads the information sign on the premises of Reif Estate Winery. It says, This is just a garden. Please go inside and buy lots of wine. We need your money so we can pay for these exorbitant renovations. Go on. Go.

The new wing. Plain on the outside. Fancy Dancy on the inside.


Best pairing of the day: Beer-battered halibut with Irish Harp Ale at the Irish Harp Pub. And they weren't even on the tour. Definitely yumbly but I never should have ordered the three-piece portion.



Lovely entertainment in the form of guitar, fiddle, mandolin and a voice surprisingly sweet for a stout-drinker.


Fwig is docile. Too many halibut fishes.


Leaving Coyote's Run Winery. One stop left to complete the tour.










Niagara College Teaching Winery. Rain signals that the tour has come to an end. We caught them trying to pack up early. Not so fast, hombres! We came for a swallow and we didn't leave until we gots one.






Monday. I take a vacation day. This is Peter Pan's new puppy. He's already ginormous. Nothing is safe from him. He tore two brand new pillows to ribbons. Pan entered the room moments after arriving with the purchases to find the floor a sea of feathers. He patiently gathered them all up, sealed them in a plastic bag and put it in the trash can. A half hour later he went back out to find the garbage can lid on the ground and the backyard covered in feathers.

.

A Robin buit this nest in the corner of Pan's back deck. She's become quite comfortable with human and canine presence and allowed us front row seats while she fed worms to her four babies. Incredible. Yeah, I should have got a picture of that instead of waiting til they were napping. Look, this isn't National Geographic, okay?

And now - another long weekend approaches! Excellent...



Thursday, May 08, 2008

Mmmmm... herby winey goodness

It's that time of the year again. The Niagara-On-The-Lake Wine and Herb Festival. Or - as I declare this year's unnofficial theme - the I Came for a Swallow Tour '08 *


That's Professor Plonk on the right. And on the left, a brand new friend. I guess we'll call her Doctor Swallows for now. She's working on her masters degree in the field of swallowing. It's true. They actually have schools that teach such a skill. Shocking, isn't it?


[Editor's note: It's a perfectly legitimate medical field.]




This is Buddy, Patio warden at Palatine Hills Estate Winery.



Captain Vino is growing impatient. He wants to see this world-class swallowing action we've been hearing about.



Every wineglass should be so big.


Bike rack? No idea what's going on here. Either I clicked by mistake or someone snatched my shigital camera when I wasn't looking...





Hmm. More accidental clickage.



Buddy again. Pretty sure this shot was intentional.



That would be my hand presumeably. Look at that lifeline eh? I'm gonna live to be six hundred years old at least.




Konzelmann Estate Winery.


Red Moose. A Zweigelt. We hear it pairs well with all-dressed potato chips.


Doc finally exhibits her spectacular swallowing skills.



Thought I was kidding about the chips, didn't you?





On the left, Froot Loops cereal. On the right, I forget. Had to be either a Riesling or Gewurztraminer since both are sources of a rare fragrance called linalool, along with Handi-Wipe towellettes and - yeah - Froot Loops. Something that's nice to know when you're trying to manufacture unusual unpretentious pairings and a special experience to tittilate unsophisticated newbies. I like to think we were playing along more than getting sucked in.




The cashier's counter. Okay, maybe we got a little sucked in.


See you next week for part two!


*Special thanks to Porn King for coming up with the theme material.


"I came for a swallow and I'm not leaving 'til I get a swallow!" - Bugs Bunny